You Couldn't Wait till Friday

You had a new toy to show off
Worked hard for weeks to make it pretty
You wanted to be with friends all four days
I could only come if you waited a day

You just couldn't cuz it's your friend's birthday
Your wife you'll be stuck with a lifetime
She doesn't have to be there
You have friends to keep you busy

This isn't my first eye opener
You've done worse, or is that better?
You brag you are lucky cuz I spoil you
Yet you just take, and never meet halfway

If you waited a day, I could see
I really mean more than how you make me feel
if you waited a day, I won't feel this
Is it to take a break from Me

I shall cry myself to sleep so you don't see
That this is me being unselfish yet again
I shall pretend I'm not tired of work
And you cannot peel me away from it

Because you couldn't wait till Friday
Because you have your friends anyway
Can anyone understand me?
Cuz I am unselfish, but, boy, it hurts.

The Fall of the Rise Lantern Festival

Never ever again! I hope the organizers are ready for a lawsuit! It took about 1 hour in line to get to a bus out of Gold Strike. At the dry lakebed (N 35° 47' 33.4 W -115° 15' 37.2) in the Mojave Desert in Jean, NV, there were long lines to concession stands and bathrooms. We didn't bring any food because this was not allowed -- they wanted to make more money off of us by buying from their concession stands. We did the lanterns and watched them all fly, free fireworks took over the show --great positive feelings about this part. 

At about 30 minutes in, we decided we needed to go because many people started leaving. Trudged back to get a shuttle back to Gold Strike, but never got one there because all the people that left are all now thinking of the same thing. The trudge to the pick up point was horrendous as we were all in a cloud of dust, and I was coughing hard by the time I got to the end of what I thought was a line of 500 people. We all converge in one area watching all the folks going to Rio get a bus, and all those in line for Gold Strike lose their spots as more people cut in line. This went on for more than an hour and only very little movement (like three steps) to get to wherever the hell the front of the line was. People were becoming aggressive, and the people in the original batch were shouting to tell the newcomers to line up like everyone else. The fun suddenly turned for the south when people started fighting, and the threat of a riot or stampede was in sight. People just kept coming, and what was once two lines became thousands of lines converging from either side. 

Never seeing the end of it, a bunch of us decided to walk back to Gold Strike. We couldn't really see what was behind or in front of us. Only lights from vehicles or people with flash lights were allowing us to hopefully find refuge in the middle of a dry desert. We were walking four miles and at this point, I am delirious. I was beginning to swerve as my legs turn into jello, I lose my voice and my throat is so parched, but I was too tired to even lift my arm to drink. I was already thinking we were the last ones walking. We slid to the back, as more hikers passed us. I thought I was going to die as there was no sign of hope to getting close to see any lights to any house or casino. I don't know how, but at 1230pm, two buses finally found us, and took us to Gold Strike. 

Cars should have been allowed at the event, so people could make their own way home vs leaving them without easy transportation in the middle of the desert. Instead of a free for all after the first launch, the successive launches should have been done in batches, so people that were done can leave. There should have been many drop off and pick up points, so as more people finished, they are ushered to the pick up point where a bus should have been ready and waiting. The materials should have been handed at registration of the event on site. We just found our mat and lanters on the side of a post at section 3G. The trudge to and from the pickup point should have been shorter. I wore sneakers, and my feet still hurt!

Wasted Space

Thinking hard about life

Why could it be so hard

For one to take his own 

Like it's okay 

It is no different

It's like heartbreak

Oh how can I be alone again

All that wasted space you took

With a love that seemed so real

Oh how can I hold another

With love that's stronger than ours

I gave u all of me, that's all I got

Trying my best to believe

I can also be happy

Fighting hard to live in the now

But my gutt says it's time

To face the truth about me

I'm all done

There's no more fight

Oh how can I be alone again

All that wasted space you took

With a love that seemed so real

Oh how can I hold another

With love that's stronger than ours

I gave u all of me, that's all I got

This knot keeps returning

Can't bear another day

To live with this pain

And just knowing

Someone else is with you

I'll kiss the world goodbye

Oh how can I be alone again

All that wasted space you took

With a love that seemed so real

Oh how can I hold another

With love that's stronger than ours

I gave u all of me, that's all I got

Not Just Friends with Benefits

I heard it through the grapevine
Some talks of the past
An ex girlfriend of mine
Spreading I wished she was mine

Here's my side of the story
The nine years we spent hiding
She told me she'd come out
When she's in America with me

Girl, did you think no one would notice
That we weren't just friends with benefits
Did you enjoy the account I put money in
You now own a house I put money in

You hide your homosexual affair
Just to take positions in church
But to spread around that I'm dreaming
Well aren't you a hypocrite!

I too studied the bible, but this I learned
A church that cannot love me
Does not reflect the God it teaches me
For God loves completely and equally

Sure, she chose to serve God's people
But she chose to lie to save face
She chose to make me look bad
When everyone knows already

Whatever she prayed about
Whatever her elders advised
It is for sure between her and God
But she ain't fooling anyone

She asked me to hide our love
She fucks me and confesses right after
But people are intelligent beings
It was just too obvious

Though I am a homosexual
I chose to come clean
Sure, she claims to be straight
But only herself she deceives

Church taught love is a decision
To teach your heart to love a man
To teach your heart to forget yourself
To teach your heart to choose godly

I choose not to hurt a man I cannot love
I choose to be a good person
I choose to be fully present
I choose to forget her forever

Let's Set the Date

With such fun and exciting times
One year ago, we gave us a shot
Yes, lazy downtimes do count
We're capturing moments a whole lot

I met all those who matter
And you met half of mine
We crossed thousands of miles
To complete the rest of mine

We went to my dream island
One I couldn't afford before
You asked sweetly for my hand
And put on it a big rock I could only adore

We snorkel, go caving, or stroll by the water
Swim, bike, hike, and all that make me sore
Movies, sushi, music, and travel
For sure with you, life's not a bore

I had reservations because of my past
I wasn't really sure till I was with YOU
You wore your heart on your sleeve
And you claimed me like you knew

You tickle my heart more each day
Though fast, you've given me a content life
So I say yes and a thousand times more
Let's set the date, and make me your wife

My Psychology

Introduction to Agreeableness

This section of your profile describes your interactions with other people. The ways we communicate our feelings, beliefs and ideas to others are influenced by our cultural backgrounds, the way we were raised, and sometimes which side of the bed we got up on this morning. Some of us are very mindful of others making decisions we hope will be in their best interests, even if it means sometimes neglecting our own interests. Others of us believe each person should be responsible for themselves, taking deep pride in our own character and independence with a firm belief that others are best served by doing the same. The following describes how you engage with others; illustrating the dimension of your personality that determines your independence or your desire to reach out and touch others in meaningful ways.

You are best described as:

USUALLY TAKING CARE OF OTHERS

Words that describe you:

Understanding Unquestioning Humane Selfless Gentle Kindhearted Gullible Indulgent

A General Description of How You Interact with Others

Here's one important truth about you: you have a tender heart. Yes, you know that others need to learn to take care of themselves. Yes, you know they need to accept the consequences of their foolish or bad behavior. And sometimes, even when your instinct is to help them, you will let them fend for themselves and let them suffer the consequences of their choices or circumstances. But most of the time you are there to help when they need you. If they are in trouble, you offer compassion and go out of your way to be helpful. If they need someone who will listen, you are trustworthy and sympathetic. And you are direct with them; when they need advice or counsel, you offer it in a straightforward, direct manner, without beating around the bush. You're also smart enough to know that you cannot take good care of others if you fail to take good care of yourself, so you listen to your own wants and needs. If you've run out of sympathetic energy, you spend time restoring yourself. If you've ignored your own pain or frustration, you find a friend who will listen well, or go into your own private healing place and give yourself permission to focus on you. But before long, you're back at it with your friends, offering a sympathetic ear and compassion on which they learn to trust, also giving straightforward advice and counsel when they ask for it. You do know how to take care of yourself, but your genuine interest is in taking care of others.

Negative Reactions Others May Have Toward You

Selfish people might be embarrassed by you. While they're using their time and energy almost exclusively on themselves, they see you giving time to others, and your kindness puts them in a bad light. Maybe they'll think you're a phony, that you use your altruism to get others indebted to you so they'll then owe you a favor. Or perhaps they'll accuse you, directly or behind your back, of focusing on the needs of others so no one ever focuses on your foibles or your genuine wounds. All of these are false accusations; yours is a genuine compassion, because you truly have a tender heart. One criticism might be more substantial, though. People might notice when you let things get out of balance and spend so much time responding to others that you neglect your own needs. Perhaps it's true to some extent that you are more comfortable when the focus is on someone else's needs than when you and your needs are front and center, and this may be a criticism worth paying attention to.

Positive Responses Others May Have Toward You

Positive responses to you are likely to far outweigh negative responses. For many people, your genuine kindness will be an example of a way to treat others and a way we want others to treat us. They will see in you the traits of compassion and sympathy which they might want to focus on in the development of their own character. For those people you help you will be the friend they need, there at the right moment to help them when they've stepped into yet another thicket of pain or confusion. They will be grateful for your listening, for your straight talk when they need straight talk more than anything, and for the hand you extend so they can find their way, with your help, out of whatever tangle they've gotten themselves into.

Introduction to Openness

How firmly committed are you to the ideas and beliefs that govern your thinking and guide your behavior? Some people trust their current ideas and beliefs the way a climber trusts the mountain; whichever way they move, whether the climb is on a familiar trail or over new ground, there is something solid beneath them, something they count on.  For others, new ideas, new solutions to old problems, new beliefs that replace tired convictions are like welcome wind in their sails. They can hardly wait to tack in a new direction and ride a new idea through uncharted waters. If it's new, it's interesting, and they're ready to explore. The following paragraphs describe your responses to new ways of thinking and believing. How do you handle new information? Are you more like the climber on a familiar mountain or a sailor with a tiller in hand and a fresh breeze to propel you? How you integrate and process new information about the world and about others is a core aspect of your personality.

On the Openness Dimension you are:

CURIOUS

Words that describe you:

Original Inventive Thinker Brave Eccentric Avant-Garde Out-of-Touch Unique

A General Description of How You Approach New Information and Experiences

You think like an artist. Or better, you SEE like an artist. While most people look at life's straight lines, its height and depth and width, you're bending the lines with your imagination and turning black and white into shades of blue and yellow. And in conversations at work or with your friends you want to ask, "Do you see what I see?" A few might, most don't, but you've piqued everyone's curiosity with your own original and inventive ways of thinking.  You can, if you must, think in conventional ways. But left on your own, you'll usually opt for the eccentric or avant-garde; in fact you're usually bored with what everyone else is comfortable with. You learn from reading, talking, watching people and other fauna and flora, and simply sitting in the soft chair of your mind and wondering how people would learn how to count if they could only use uneven numbers. You are out in front of conventional ideas, bravely originally defining true and false, right and wrong, the good, the bad and the ugly.

Negative Reactions Others May Have Toward Your Style of Thinking

You drive through life faster than the speed limit, and when you hit speed bumps, and you hit a lot of them with your mind distracted from the straight line ahead your wheels leave the ground.  For people who like life at a safer speed, you move too fast and lose touch too often with the solid ground they prefer, hence their discomfort with you. As odd as you might find this, many people feel safe in the shelter of the world they already know. They like the familiar. They breathe easily and sleep deeply knowing with more certainty how the world works. So although they might enjoy your company and be curious about your latest notion of how to count backwards by threes, they can only take you in small doses. And they wish you'd quit trying to push the boundaries of their personal and social cosmos.

Positive Responses Others May Have Toward You

Even those whom you make uncomfortable know, as just about everyone does, that you're not a flake. You think well, and even your wildest fancies have their roots in the deep soil of sound ideas and tested beliefs. So even if some people don't want to drive at high speed with you, they will respect you for your courage as an innovative and unconventional thinker. You lend color and imagination to what would otherwise be the straight black and white lines of their work world and social environments.  A few more daring people of your circle might even learn from you to take a risk they would otherwise never consider. As comfortable as they are on solid ground, they may be curious about what it would be like to go faster than the speed limit, or paint the living room two shades of blue, or question ideas or beliefs they've fingered like sacred beads since they were children. After all, they watch you do it, and you seem no worse for the risks you take. In fact, your eyes are wider and your breath quicker, and maybe they can find at least a bit of this for themselves. To be certain, they don't want their wheels to leave the ground, but maybe the next time they approach a speed bump they might just brace themselves and speed up just a little bit.

Introduction to Emotional Stability

We're born with the capacity to feel deeply, so it's as natural as breathing to experience a range of emotions. Fear and joy and sadness, anger and shame and disgust lie somewhere within each of us. Ah, but to what extent do we control these emotions, and to what extent do they control us? How you answer this question of how your emotions play out in your life has a great deal to do with your levels of personal satisfaction and with the character of your relationships with others. Do you manage your emotions well, keeping them in check with your thinking and your willpower, or are you someone who lets emotions have their way, giving in to the wild dance of feelings? The following paragraphs describe your emotional range in terms of being a person who is emotionally steady or someone who is responsive to whatever feelings swell up in you.

On Emotional Stability you are:

SOMETIMES STEADY, SOMETIMES RESPONSIVE

Words that describe you:

Adaptable Engaged Able to Cope Passionate Perceptive Flexible Receptive Aware Avid

A General Description of Your Reactivity

In some ways, you've got the best of emotional worlds. When emotions rise up from inside you or are brought forth from a conversation by a friend, you know how to engage them. You deal with sadness, fear, joy, anger - whatever comes up - in ways that are perceptive and flexible. You can adapt to whatever level of emotion is appropriate to the moment. At other times, you are able to cope with your emotions in a more reserved manner. Because you are aware of what does and does not make emotional sense in a particular situation, you will decide when it is an appropriate time to express your emotions and when it would be best to keep them to yourself. All of this gives you a rich emotional life. You are free to express your passions about certain subjects with appropriate people. But you are also emotionally adaptable; if the conversation needs to be more cerebral, you'll keep it "in your head" and talk calmly through whatever issue is on the table. This emotional awareness serves you well. You seldom get in over your head, either by opening up to the wrong person or by triggering in someone else's emotions they may not be able to deal with.

Negative Reactions Others May Have Toward You

When it comes to dealing with emotions we all meet some people with whom we don't match well. You bring a balanced approach to your emotional life. As such, those who are at the extremes are most likely to have a negative reaction to you. Those who live in their emotions may feel you tend to "live in your head" while those who go through life as an emotional rock may feel that you are a bit too "touchy feely" for their approach. And of course it is always possible that because you do balance your emotional approach to life you may misread others - we all do at times. So there have undoubtedly been those times when you have misread cues and stayed in your head with someone who hoped for a more open emotional approach or you may have opened up emotionally with someone who keeps their emotions bottled up. But these things happen and since you do have a good balance of being in touch with your emotions and not being overly impacted by emotional swings, you undoubtedly are able to adapt. Another potential problem is that as people get to know you well, they will discover that you have a great balance between emotional expression and emotional control. If they don't have this balance they may wind up envying you. They can't express feelings as well as you, or they are too often out of emotional control and resent you for your ability to cope so well with the very emotions that may trip them up.

Positive Responses Others May Have Toward You

Many people will be grateful to find a friend like you who can stay in control when emotions verge on chaos, but who can also go into the tangle of emotions when it is safe and appropriate to do so. Because of your ability to engage them at whatever level they are comfortable, to adapt to whatever changes in emotion emerge in the conversation, and to cope so well with all of it - well, they'll be very glad they found a person like you. You may, in fact, wind up as something of an emotional mentor. Your awareness of the emotional temperature of a situation, your ability to adapt to either heat or cold, and your ability to cope with whatever winds up happening in the conversation could be models for them to follow as they come to terms with their own emotional worlds.

Introduction to Conscientiousness

It's a work day, breakfast is over, and you're dressed and ready. So how will you approach the tasks at hand? Some people work best with a clear schedule, a set of priorities and a due date for every step in the process. Others are, shall we say, less regimented. They approach a task with as much imagination as organization, and with a willingness to bend and modify in order to exercise some urge of creativity. How about you? Do you walk in a straight line toward a clear goal, or are you more likely to dance your way down whatever path will get you wherever it is you're headed? The following paragraphs describe ways in which you approach the tasks life brings to you, and to what extent you are focused or flexible in how you choose to proceed.

Your approach toward your obligations is:

FOCUSED

Words that describe you:

Deliberate Careful Regimented Determined Proactive Obliged Methodical Perfectionist Purposeful

A General Description of How You Interact with Others

Everybody knows they can count on you to do what you promise to do, be where you say you'll be "on time" and finish what you start. If you say you'll chair the committee, you'll come with an agenda and a clear outline of the tasks to be accomplished, give everyone a chance to speak their minds, and then call for a vote on each issue, schedule the next meeting, hand out assignments and adjourn at the appointed time. You like order and discipline, and use these to methodically accomplish whatever goals you have set for yourself and for others. And you have a strong sense of obligation if you accept responsibility, you are proactive; you take it on with a single-minded commitment, as if you've pledged your allegiance to the assigned task. People know that they can depend on you. Your personal life is also one of order and discipline. You are likely to have a pretty firm schedule, and to stick to it. You make time for your friends, but not at the expense of your work duties. You can be talkative and funny in social situations, but seldom out of control. In fact, you are pretty careful; you seldom, if ever, cross the line into impulsive behavior, and you are even careful to control how much of your inner world you disclose, even to your close friends. You keep yourself in check because you don't want whatever mess might be inside you to leak out into conversation or make a mess of a relationship. There are things to accomplish in life, both at work and in your social world, and you don't want to let unnecessary clutter hamper your drive to get all of it done, and done well.

Negative Reactions Others May Have Toward You

It's not hard to imagine one of your friends or colleagues saying, probably under their breath, "Just once I wish you'd be late to something, or wear the wrong clothes, or trip over your own feet. You seem so tightly put together that, just once, I'd like to see you explode, in laughter or anger or . . . anything." In part, they may be envious. You get so much done, and done so well, that they might feel they never measure up. Your discipline and sense of duty put them to shame. But it may also be that they sense that beneath that single-minded and orderly demeanor of yours is a complex and sometimes complicated person whom they'd like to know, not so they can make fun of you but so they can share their perplexed humanity with you and get you to share your complexity with them. They might wish you were less cautious, and therefore, more accessible to their friendship.

Positive Responses Others May Have Toward You

"If we want something done, we know whom to call." Most of your friends and colleagues will learn to count on you, and they will appreciate you for this reliability. If they get off track in a work situation, they'll turn to you because they know you've got the goal clearly in view and you're moving toward it with that characteristic discipline of yours. You'll help get them back on track. If they need a personal friend to count on, they know you'll show up when you say you'll be there, dig in to whatever the common task is, whether it's planning a party, organizing the garage, or working through a financial mess, and see it through to completion. For anyone in trouble, you are the proverbial "friend in need". Many of your friends will see you as an example that they seek to emulate. When they get disorderly or disorganized, they can watch how you live and work, and find in you a mentor in self-discipline. They might well admire not just your ability to get to the goal or your single-minded drive, but also the underlying quality of your character; they will see your sense of duty to yourself, to life's tasks, and to your friendships, and admire and imitate these qualities in you. Your focused life will be a guide to them when they get themselves so out of focus that they don't know where they're going.

Introduction to Extraversion

Some days you want to hang out by yourself, not answer the phone, and make the world go away. The next day you e-mail everyone, schedule lunch with a friend, and try to find an evening gathering to take part in. It may be the phases of the moon, or something you ate; some days are just like that. In actuality, your desire to be with others or to be alone reflects something deep in your personality. Some of us are more comfortable by ourselves or with one or two friends, while others of us crave the crowd and can't stand it when the house is empty or the phone doesn't ring. The following paragraphs describe your fundamental desires about being with other people; whether you are generally an outgoing person or more reserved, if you seek adventures with others, if you tend toward assertiveness or kindness.

When it comes to Extraversion you are:

SOMETIMES OUTGOING, SOMETIMES RESERVED

Words that describe you:

Moderate Amiable Laid-back Temperate Relaxed Poised Civil Uncommitted Pleasant

A General Description of How You Interact with Others

Lucky you! You enjoy your own company as much as you enjoy the company of others. You are a great conversationalist and thrive in the wonderful kinds of connections you know how to have with your family and friends. You also equally enjoy your own company, whether sitting in a favorite chair with your book and soft music playing or meandering in the woods by yourself. You like coming home to your family or your roommate; but if no one is home, you find quiet, solitary time to be just as pleasurable. What a great combination to enjoy being outgoing and to be just as comfortable being reserved. Lucky you!! Because you are so amiable and relaxed, you are comfortable with almost any group of family or friends. Whether they are pumped up and lively or calm and subdued, you remain at ease. If someone needs to take over the conversation, you are comfortable taking the lead; you can also lay back and let someone else be in charge. If the conversation gets rowdy, your moderate demeanor will often draw it down to a more temperate level. If someone in the group loses their cool, you will most likely maintain your poise, and if they get nasty you know how to keep a civil tongue. You may find yourself out of balance on occasion. If you're alone too much, you may need to get in touch with someone. If you spend too much time with your family and friends, you may need to sneak off for a day by yourself, to putter and read and clear your head of the noise of too much conversation. When you're at your best, you live with a rhythm of time with others, time alone, time with others, time alone It's a satisfying, comfortable balance. Lucky you!

Negative Reactions Others May Have Toward You

You may occasionally run into problems with other people. Since not everyone is as balanced as you are, close friends and family may get frustrated with you, or you with them. They may be more sociable and outgoing, and find you too laid-back and relaxed. They want conversations to be lively and passionate while you keep things amiable and civil. Or others may be more quiet and reserved than you, and when you're in one of your more animated moments they may wish you would back off. You may be ready to put more energy into a conversation than they are comfortable with. And your balance may be a problem. Other people may be consistently more sociable or more reserved than you, and find you to hard to read, some may even say you ride the fence. Others may find themselves envious of your ability to be outgoing at times, and at other times comfortably reserved. If you pay attention to pick up these cues you will be in a better position to know how you want to interact with such folks.

Positive Responses Others May Have Toward You

Most people will truly appreciate your flexibility in social situations. They will like you for your amiable warmth and your willingness to engage, and for your ability to sit back and let others take the lead or the spotlight. They will appreciate ways in which you temper what could become intemperate moments; by remaining poised and relaxed when others; temperatures are rising, you keep things civil and sane. You are as good at listening and following as you are at talking and leading, and people will often appreciate your ability to adapt to the situation. Because you are sometimes outgoing and sometimes reserved, you will make most people comfortable in your presence, and they will truly enjoy your company.

What Love Means to Me

The cold makes me shiver
The knot in my stomach forms
Memories of loneliness rush back
My parents fighting in the next room
Both of them screaming
Every night I couldn't sleep
I lay helpless and wait
And it's another day of pretend
Things are okay
The tears dry up by morning

The road for you is harder
You've got more to prove
But it is simply this
Show me you want my love
This is what love means to me
Anything's better than
The crappy love in my head
If you listen to my plea
Move me with your efforts
This is what love means to me

Things do not seem different now
I say I want or don't want this
Yet I get discarded as silly
At work I fix everything
But in love, I may be stupid
I know the knot is back
And I lay helpless and wait
It is cold and I shiver
I know only of love broken
But I thought I deserve better

The road for you is harder
You've got more to prove
But it is simply this
Show me you want my love
This is what love means to me
Anything's better than
The crappy love in my head
If you listen to my plea
Move me with your efforts
This is what love means to me

Then why am I not getting it?
I am here hurting
But I only feel your disregard
I don't want to be alone
But I feel like I am
This love brings me back
To a scary familiar place
I don't want to feel helpless
Get it together cuz I'm cold
Fix the love that I know.

The road for you is harder
You've got more to prove
But it is simply this
Show me you want my love
This is what love means to me
Anything's better than
The crappy love in my head
If you listen to my plea
Move me with your efforts
This is what love means to me