God Smiles at Us

I don't even have to do anything to make God love me. He lovingly gazes at me as I sleep, and says to Himself that I am His beloved creation. He would remember that time He formed me in my mother's womb and breathed the very life I have now. He enveloped me with His mighty armor that no harm could be done upon me.

Now I am faced with this question: Does my life right now give Him pleasure? I delayed obedience for a while before finally going to the U.S. I delayed because I thought God would always understand. Yet God's message was delayed obedience is disobedience just the same.

My main objective for obeying after two years of waiting is simply to please God. "I'll pray about it" is unacceptable if you can't make that decision in two years. When I told my co-discerner all that God revealed to me, she told me that she is happy about it, and that the next step is to act on the decision. I left home even if I thought I already liked writing as a living because I know it would please God that I forget myself -specifically, my comforts.

I cannot imagine how Noah and his family were able to endure 120 years of mockery and hardship for building an ark. However, they did have a warning from God so they responded. What God said, happened. Now, if God would tell me there will be 40 days of rain, and then He will provide me specific measurements for the ark, I am not sure if I would do the same thing out of fear of the Lord. It is not a normal occurrence to hear God the way Noah did, even when I pray. But what matters is, God speaks to me and assures me about His greatness.

Obedience unlocks understanding. Now, even after my discernment, things remain uncertain about what God truly wills for me. Sometimes, I do not have a joyful disposition because my obedience is still half-hearted. I may have left everything behind, but part of me screams that I shouldn't have. God tells me to obey Him gladly.

The Lord directs my path. He delights in every detail of my life. He takes pleasure in all who honor Him, in those who trust in His constant love. What pleases the Lord is a life of total dedication and commitment. He is pleased in daily service, a job well done, and simple cafe conversations if offered unto Him. He is pleased if every decision is based upon one inspiration, and that is: to glorify Him.

I can only pray that I act accountably as His servant, and remember all His promises especially in times when I am shaken.

Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your ways to the Lord. Trust in Him and He will do this: He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, a justice for your cause like the noon day sun. - Ps 37:4-5

The Lord looks down from heaven on all mankind to see if there are any who are wise, who want to please God. - Ps 14:2

To Do His Will My Pleasure

I see service as a self-offering to the Lord. There were countless times when I have been disappointed with my co-servants who do not seem to give their best for the Lord and for His community. Because of these disappointments, I fall asleep in my service. Sometimes, it becomes too burdensome that I just make it a task to tick off my schedule. God said that my service will give Him pleasure, for as long as I have given my best. So, if something so burdensome could be a form of worship to God, let me never be free from service. If it were to make God smile, why would I not serve Him to the very end?

I want to worship in spirit and truth. Sometimes in worship, I notice that the music ministry is distracted. When I find out it is because of unavailability for practices, I want to question their commitment. Why do they have so many reasons, when we are all employed and have almost the same priorities? But God reminds me to see worship as He sees it: beautiful and pleasing to the ears if it came from the heart.

I really cannot fathom the depth of the Lord's knowledge. Unlike a presentation before people, God does not judge my performance or rate me in my preparedness for worship. He takes me as I am: whether sinful or pure, blemished or healed, or hardened or peaceful.

I am unworthy but I can make God smile. I have been planned for God's pleasure. That even when I awake or slumber, I can please God. There was this brother who got into an accident and was given a second chance in life. While in his hospital bed, I witnessed him raising his hands and singing the loudest in prayer. This was a man who almost had his body crushed, his face swollen, and his faculties almost rendered useless. Yet he praised God with all his might. It was such a glorious sight.

I want to please Him everyday in every way, whether it be in my service even when it is burdensome, in worship even when I am unworthy - or even when that time comes that I am physically unable to. For even when my body will waste away, His spirit that lives inside of me will boast of Him forever.

Measurement of Success

I once lived a wasteful life in Manila. I worked uncontrollably, and somehow got tired of the pains that my manager caused me. Because of this, I did not give my best at my work in the hotel. There was no room for growth in my career. I cried almost every night after work at the blessed sacrament. One day, although I was done for my shift and had a balanced transaction, somehow my cash float was missing some money. There was an investigation, I was judged as careless, and got suspended. To me, that was the end of my career in the hotel industry. I felt I wasted four years of my life getting a bachelor's degree in Hotel Management.

In the midst of these painful events in my life, my father got imprisoned, and my brother wasted all our money with women and booze. My family was torn with depression, and I lost track of what I was supposed to be doing. I realized that my family was more important and decided to go home. I quit my job, got into the IT business, and prayed hard. Again, I cried many times to the Lord in secret.

When I moved to my hometown, I realized that there was a big task of evangelization at hand. I took every effort to invite and follow up acquaintances so that they would join the community. I also focused on improving myself by learning new things and doing my best at work for the Lord. I found my happiness at work because it was a place where many believers worked together. Next thing I know, I got a promotion, brought many friends to community, and helped my family pick up the pieces. Add to this, I was flying business and first class, and checking in five-star hotels - all the services I only used to provide when I was working in the hotel industry.

When I graduated, I thought that my life was about having a glamorous job and becoming successful in my field. I thought it was about pleasing your manager so that you can get a promotion. I learned the hard way. I may not be as successful, but God has given me wisdom to lead people to their true home. By God's grace, I overcame my difficulties. He also made me see that I need to take full responsibility in my role as an evangelizer. In life, there are more important things to worry about.

"Seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you." - Matthew 6:33

Life is a Test

God often tells me, a worrier and a doubter, not to put Him in a box. When I read my worries logged on my journal (worries that mostly never happened), I really wish I never wasted my time thinking about them. This makes me go before the Lord with a humble, puppy-like face for I have failed the test again. Life is never about how I can handle things, because God is really the one in control of my life.

When I sin, I get so disappointed with myself that I even ask God if He is at work in my life at all. Again, this is a test - of patience. It is God's desire that I may one day be fully healed. I just have to draw closer to Him to avoid sin.

I do not have any possessions. I have given them all to my family. The fruits of my labor, I can no longer enjoy. This sometimes makes me sad. This is yet another test. But it is encouraging to hear God's words: Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth...For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also (Mt 6:19-21). I have no earthly treasures, but God tells me that I have treasures in heaven - an intimate relationship with Him, love of brethren, and moral uprightness. And though I am not rich, there is so much more to give. I can give my best at work, and all my skills to the Lord. I give my possessions to my family so that they may see - that God's love is sufficient in life, that He will take care of all our needs because He is a generous God, and that the Lord is at work in our lives. This is all in the hope that they may experience conversion as I did. May I always labor for heavenly things.

Sometimes, God becomes so silent when I pray. Yet the blessings I receive cannot go unnoticed. So for that, I know God is with me. And though God's silence is yet another test, may I focus on Him alone. Pleasing God, and experiencing His presence is sufficient for the day till He calls me home. May I be the daughter He created me to be - exhibiting strength in adversity, and joy in difficulty. May I pass the tests that come my way, trusting that God knows best.

Made for the Lord

I have been driven in life by my passions, desire for success and recognition, and hope for a place in God's kingdom. I am defocused as good things have happened that keep me from doing what God really wants. I am hardened by the wrong choices I've made and the struggles that made me think I am on my own.

I am currently driven by guilt, sometimes hiding from God's presence when He has never shun me away. My past seems to catch up on me. I feel so undeserving of His mercy and goodness. How can He love me?

I am driven by materialism wishing I had more...salary, properties, and skills. I was nothing and I did nothing good. God's spirit bore much fruit since my renewal...fruit of joy, peace, and hope. How can I turn down another opportunity to bring Him glory? My sin can overwhelm me and my slow healing progress can really be disheartening. I am in constant struggle with my own self.

Attending one Lingkod household made me realize one thing: I have to remain open to God's leading. In my desire to open to God and to please Him, I decided to say yes to attending the household. The objectives: to simplify, focus, and serve. I still say yes in the hopes of being able to exhort my sisters by His Spirit. I am not worthy, but the Lord is. I pray that I may stand before Him in fear, and that I may be courageous in bringing Him glory.

When I stand before God's people, I want to please God alone. May He prepare my heart for both big and small tasks. I am a witness of His greatness, and so shall His people be.

The Reason I Live

My romantic relationships have further caused my downfall. I try to begin everyday hoping for a miracle of healing. Only God knows how to end it all. My good friend in the faith told me, "No, the trauma you faced was not easy. And God wept that it hurt you so. But it was allowed to shape your heart so that into His likeness you'd grow."

How marvelous to look at every detail surrounding me exclaiming God's attention for me. He must indeed love me. The perfect love shared in the Trinity allowed my presence right here on earth. How He fashioned everything from my mother's womb even while she tried to abort me. God planned that I would still be alive.

It is my second life then! You knew me before I was born. My heart rejoices knowing that I will forever have your mark as your creation. I will always be your daughter and I belong to you - failures, sickness, shortcomings, sin and all.

God is my father and I will no longer try to parent myself. God has the best plans for me from the very beginning. "You are who you are...because there is a God." It can be hard to look at myself in the mirror because of my flaws. His Word gives me life. I know in my heart a fire that burns and says I am precious in the eyes of my Father. God purposefully made me for a reason and waits for me to recognize Him when I feel unloved. I want to start anew, rediscover that purpose by going back to making God the center of my life. I am not so cast out or beaten by my mistakes and sin. The Lord will do all things for His plans to happen.

All that has happened to me and what is about to happen has not escaped the Lord's watchful eye. He is with me even before I was conceived. I find comfort knowing that God has always helped me pick up the pieces of my life that I may one day be whole again. Trusting in God's wisdom whose thoughts are higher than mine will one day help me understand.

Heaven Knows

Some events in my life have caused my destruction. I have allowed them to bring me into the point of hopelessness and despair. I just considered them as my fate because God has allowed them. What I did not really see is they were made for the purpose of strengthening me. Otherwise, they were made for the purpose of weakening me that I may realize how strong my God is. For a time, I found myself lacking, unloved, and abandoned. I tried to understand things on my own, struggled to live each day, wandering in a world of lawless people. By law, I mean that which was made in heaven. My heart stops in envy of others who share about not experiencing much hardships in life. I often find myself asking God the infamous question, "Why?"

Once, I went to this orphanage. The girls there were either abandoned, battered, or sexually abused. I wonder, "In all of God's power, why can a man's sin, which causes so much destruction on another, escape His sight? Why can He not choose to protect His beloved children?" My mom admitted to me in sorrow that I was an unwanted child. Recalling the past, I used to wish that God allowed me to be unborn. That way, I would not have been hurt. I have not been spared from much hardships as a child, ones that are too painful to write. Having to live with my pain at one point almost drove me insane. I did not want to live, and asked God to have mercy and to strike me dead.

In August 1999, my conversion, God gave me hope. Fresh out of college and of a heartbreak, God proved that He is my protector. I met the Lord through Ang Lingkod ng Panginoon, and realized that there is no point in pursuing relationships that led me to sin. He protected me from further falling into sin and from making further mistakes in life. Being in a Catholic community helped me open my perspective in dealing with sisters who had the same questions for the Lord, who had unbearable pain, and who for a moment, lost their desire to bounce after falling. In my efforts to please the Lord, I always claim that I say "Your will be done." This sometimes causes me too much pain, one that I cannot seem to bear.

But God is faithful. Over time, I experience His healing. He has given me a ministry - one that helps me and those like me to be healed. I wanted to be God's messenger and healer, after experiencing God's healing. Why the pills did not take effect when I tried to end it all, why I did not get aborted, why I did not marry the man of my dreams, and any other Why question I throw at Him, I now have the answer. It's as simple as this: God wants what's best for me. It took me 23 years before I realized my ministry. Hence, I choose God first always. And when I get hurt in my choosing, I know God will bring me back to my purpose. May my yes give Him glory.

God's plans endure forever; His purposes last eternally. - Ps 33:11