The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

Topsy-turvy!
This September, God's plans for me became clearer. My boss was about to sign the contract with my lawyer on availing her services to process my sponsorship, but (once again) he changed his mind about sponsoring me. The company lost a lot of clients and he said he could not justify why he would still sponsor another employee.

Gut-feel?
I had this feeling that my employer was going to ask me to find another employer. I contacted an employment agency last Friday and I was scheduled for an interview on Tuesday. Coincidentally, Monday came and my boss told me I had 15 days to find another job. Was I glad to have seen it coming!

Praise Him in everything!
I told my friends about the latest happenings and detours in my life, and I asked for prayers. I never talked to anyone about how I truly felt. I just thought it would be good to consult God first just like I used to. Little did I know that all my pent up emotions were just waiting to be spilled. I could not help but cry to the Lord that night. All my efforts seem to go in vain. God told me to sing to Him songs of victory. Could you imagine the turmoil that went inside of me? Here I am, feeling like a failure. Yet God instructed me to praise Him for He is a victorious God. That night, I did not know how to end my prayer. I fell asleep crying.

How great is our God!
I got a job after 2 days. It was going to pay me higher than what I was getting now, enough to cover the employment agency's cut. I could not believe it all happened within a week!

Tough race to heaven.
Many times, I am humbled and I become lonely. In the process, I have done many things to cope with depression and I fail pathetically at earning any of the Lord's mercy - including failing to pray when I am in a state of ungrace. Even after eight years in community, I realize I have not grown in major areas of my life. So I continue to ask for your prayers.

Total recall.
Today, I will meet with a priest to avail of the Sacrament of Reconciliation. Shortly after, I will meet my new Spiritual Director, a nun who has helped a sister in her healing process. I pray that she may indeed help me tap on that grace that I need to stay rooted in the Lord.

The Men in My Life

Before March 1999 – I had three serious boyfriends starting from my college freshmen years. I was never happy with them because they were not rich enough, loving enough, or intelligent enough. I never felt they deserved my commitment, and I left them without much explanation.

March 1999 to June 1999 – I loved Francis. With him, I decided that I was going to be a better person. I quit smoking and I grabbed a bible in National Bookstore. We talked marriage and kids, and I made him my world. In three months, I noticed certain things which made me feel that I was not the only woman in his life. The big blow: he admitted to me he was already married. Right then and there, I ended our relationship and went home to Pampanga.

August 1999 – I committed myself to Christ. This is supposed to be the part where I write longer. But there was nothing visual as that of the tongues of fire cut in half. Yet the Holy Spirit rested upon me and I experienced the power of the Holy Spirit through the gift of tongues. This, however, is not where I end victoriously.

May 2000 to sometime in 2002 – I met with Francis on several occasions. He said sorry, updated me on the status of his annulment, and I gave him a second chance. We tried to patch things up. What hindered me from becoming fruitful in my commitment to Christ was I still continued to see Francis. We were talking about trips around the world, and his plea for me to wait for him until he finishes the annulment case in about a year. But the Lord was already knocking on the door to my heart. There was no longer any desire for me to live in two worlds.

September 2001 – I ended my relationship and decided to attend the annual Lingkod national leadership training conference. I met a brother in that conference. He was the branch leader, and proved to be handsome inside and out.

October 2001 to October 2006 – The brother and I started getting to know each other. He would fly all the way to Makati to see me. We went to Baguio together, he visited me in Makati about 5 times, and spent two Christmases and New Years at my house. My family accepted him. We had an understanding that we were each other’s potential partner.

January 2002 – I realized that there are certain things in life that the brother had to fix before he could fully enter into a relationship with me. He had to discern whether he is called to serve as a single man for the Lord. This is called state of life discernment. He also faced his responsibilities as head of the family (his mom and sister were staying illegally in Canada and he needed to help them).

July 2002 – He went to Canada and an employer sponsored him because he is intelligent, is really good in Sales and Marketing, and has a degree in the medical field. I understood that he needed to establish himself there and help his family. But he said that he would go back to the Philippines and present himself before me again in September 2005 (in time for the Lingkod national leadership training conference. He sent me CDs, a book signed by the author Mitch Albom himself, and money by surprise. I had major upsets with my previous work, and he was virtually there just like when he was still in the Philippines.

Sometime after the brother left in 2002 – Francis told me about the community he has started attending. He was still trying to win me back. This has also kept me in constant struggle because I was not yet fully healed from the pain he caused me. I figured if he was causing me pain, then getting back with him would take away the pain. But I had a firmer grasp of God’s will for me, so I told him that I am already seeing someone else. I lied for my own sake, because I knew he would always have a way with words. I would always end up giving him another chance. But I thought to myself, he would stop contacting me if I was already seeing someone else. He did stop contacting me after that.

September 2004 – The brother financed my trip to Iloilo and registration fee to the Lingkod national leadership training conference.

August 2005 – I went to the US, and I got to chat on the phone with the brother almost everyday for about 2 weeks. He said he had to move his return to the Philippines to September 2006 because he still needed to switch jobs and build a bigger network for his new job. He also said that his sister was getting serious with a Canadian, and that his mom needed to go home to the Philippines to settle some property issues. It meant that he was going to be freed from his obligations.

However, our last phone conversation changed it all. He was throwing something in the air, "What if it became us?" I was caught off guard by his question cuz he was the one who caused so much delay already. So I just shrugged the thought of it and told him, "Well, it's not us." His mood changed, he came up with an excuse that he had to go and could not stay long on the phone, and didn’t call even until I went back to the Philippines. Since then, he barely kept in touch. At around the same time, an employer gave me the opportunity to work in the US. This was not attractive to me then cuz there was a lot going for me in AOL. Also, I hoped he was still going home September 2006.

September 2005 to March 2006 – My friends told me that he is no longer into me. This was a hard slap on my face. They made me realize that it was a stupid thing to reserve myself cuz in the first place, we never made a commitment before he left. I could not find any brother then that compared to him. I was unfair towards other suitors cuz I did not give them a chance at all. I was so into the brother after the traumatic experience I had with Francis that I thought he was God’s answer to my prayers. At the same time, I was already doing my job discernment (whether I was going to the US to work or staying in AOL).

March 2006 – I went back to the US. I kept on trying to reach the brother, but he never returned my calls. It was the saddest US trip ever. It was becoming clear to me that the special relationship we had was going nowhere.

September 2006 – The brother did not come home. At this time, I made my decision to move to the US to help pay the family debts.

October 8, 2006 – I was on a business trip in Cebu. I greeted the brother on his birthday and felt inclined to tell him about my decision to go to the US. I also wanted to put a closure on what we had because I had waited and hoped too long. I asked him why he had not kept his promise of going home, and why he has not been there for me for the longest time. His response: I have not been there for you. You deserve a better man. I was checked in ShangriLa Mactan and I stayed in my room crying my eyes out until there were no more tears left. It was painful that I have allowed myself to become emotionally attached to someone. I told myself that I have turned down so many brothers because I kept comparing them to a brother who had no plans in the future with me. How foolish I had been.

It did not take long before I was on my feet again. After the long wait for the brother, I simply had to grab hold of myself and say what difference would it make that I wait further. I have been technically alone since 2001. Yet, because I was preparing for a trip to the US, I still had to turn down suitors. It's hard enough trying to uproot myself from my country. I cannot commit to someone from the Philippines and maintain a long distance relationship. So the Lord told me to wait again.

March 22, 2007 – I waited at the airport because my mom was running late. I still could not believe I was in the U.S. to start anew.

March 26, 2007 – I began at a new job as a technician (what!?). I did mostly follow up calls and basic troubleshooting.

March 30, 2007 – I joined the COH prayer meeting for the first time. There was an Easter Egg Hunt game. Lucky me, I picked up an egg that had a question in it. That meant I had to share. So I did. Other sharers were a brother who called me often, and Omeng, who was a former branch leader in another Lingkod branch.

April - June 2007 – Two interested brothers, who were complete opposites, were trying to get my attention. One I considered just as a brother. The other, I was extremely interested in.

June 6, 2007 – They both expressed their desire to court me. Soon after, I began to see the downside of the first brother. He talked to everyone about me and had to tell him to stop pursuing me. Omeng found ways to really make me feel special. At the same time, we got into a lot of talking. It was only with him that I went out with, and attended Sunday masses with.

I learned about his past, his dreams, his essentials, and how he fit right into my essentials. What is interesting is I actually tried to de-romanticize everything just so I can really be objective and find out if he is a potential partner.

During my SOL discernment, I realized that there are five things that my partner should essentially possess: he must be a man of God and can serve with me in community, he has a heart for the missions, he is able to lead me and God's children to Him, he will love and accept me and my family, and he is financially stable (to be able to provide for our future family). But I told God that chemistry, humor, and the ability to speak English correctly are my preferences. I am a woman of passion and I would want to love someone whom I will also be attracted to. I have a tendency to become melancholy so a humorous partner is a plus. I used to be a writer and trainer so I could speak English very well. Yet, I was willing to forget the preferences, for as long as I will be with the man that God prepared for me. He granted me all my essentials and two of my preferences. I thank God for the bonuses.

June 23, 2007 – I sealed our partnership with a kiss. Well, he asked for it, of course. It was the sweetest thing.

Now – I look at all that I have been through with men in my life. I just exclaim to God how grateful I am for all His blessings. He sheltered me from further disappointment. He helped me discover the partner that would be compatible with my personality and spirituality. What I went through in life with men were nothing compared to the many heartaches and disappointments of my mom, my best friend, or any of my neighbors. I just pray that the Lord will seal this partnership with His approval and blessing someday. May I always remember that before I can be a partner, I am first God's beloved daughter.

Birthday Reflections

My Parents
I experienced a great deal of suffering when I was growing up. This was because my parents constantly argued in the middle of the night. I witnessed my father's playboy antics. This was back when my mother gave him a forwarding business which put in enough money for him to maintain such a lifestyle. With money, my father was always Santa Claus, and he had so many friends. He would whistle in admiration (or lust) for young women in the streets while he drove me to school. He would even drop by at another woman's house near my school while I waited in the car.

I could still remember that one time my parents were about to separate. My father packed his bags and was getting ready to leave us. My mom asked me to stop my father from leaving. She did not realize that these things that she tried to endure were critical for me to witness. I was crying and asked my father not to leave. He cried and hugged me saying "We no longer love each other. We are just staying together for the kids." It was a memory so vivid because my father hugged me then. I was in the arms of my father while he showed his struggle to love us. I was confused because he was leaving us, and I was hurting inside even though he had never given me an image of a loving father.

Consequences of Staying Together
Years later, in one of their arguments, my mom told me the same thing my father told me. "We no longer love each other. We are just staying together for the kids." I had accepted that fact, but wondered why they still lived under the same roof. It left me feeling broken and incomplete.

When I was 17 yrs old, mama and I had to confront a girl who was only a year older than I was, because someone told my mom that the girl was my father's mistress. The girl denied it that time. But time came when the Lord put everything into the light. Another report came to my mom about my father and the same girl renting an apartment. My younger brother (who was 12 yrs old at that time) knocked on the door, and the girl opened it. However, from the front door, my brother saw my father step out of the restroom. He was only wearing his briefs.

After this, my parents came to an agreement, and my mother settled to send the girl to Japan with our money, for as long as she would leave my father alone. That was the start of my brother's problems.

The Black Sheep
I had started my rebellion earlier than my sister and brother. As early as the 5th grade, I was smoking cigarettes, and stealing money from my mom. When I was in my high school sophomore year, I began drinking hard liquor and started having drinking parties at home. I also joined an underground sorority just to show the world that I was a tough nut to crack. When I became a college freshman, I got a tattoo that described me in a dark world, added 6 pierces to both my ears, drank alcohol in-between classes, cut classes, smoked pot, partied all night with friends, stopped going to church, joined in rumbles for the thrill of it, left home more than 10 times, and got into many immoral relationships. All this was to spite my mom. I thought she was stupid for staying with my father.

The Next Black Sheep
At around the same time, my sister was also stealing from us and from her friends, and was getting hooked on shabu. At one time, she went home wearing a skin-head look because she lost in the student council elections. My sister eventually dropped out of her second school, got pregnant, married a businessman, and went home.

Behind Bars
When I was in high school, my father's forwarding business died due to stiff competition with other forwarding businesses that my father's "so-called friends" set up. Together with the business, his friends also left him. He also suffered a mild heart attack because of his vices. Shortly after this, my father got imprisoned because of perjury.

My Brother's Downfall
Because of this, my brother reached his limit, and went from one school to another. He became hardened and angry towards my mother for putting up with my father. It was at this time that I met Christ through Ang Lingkod ng Panginoon, and decided to help my mom with the finances. I sent money for my brother's weekly school allowance. Only to find out, he never went to school. He became addicted to alcohol, and fathered a daughter to a married woman who had another child. He started wasting his life away through women and booze, and went missing from school and home. My mother was also on the brink of depression when we could not find my brother.

Choosing to Love My Family
By this time, I had already finished college, broke it off with my married lover, earned a lot, and surrendered my life to Christ. While my career hit rock bottom because I was accused of negligence, my mom asked me to go home for good. I prayed and asked the Lord if this is already the time to go home. With all the circumstances around me, the Lord made me see why I needed to go home. It is the time that my family needed me. So I decided to go home to help my family from spiraling further down.

I got a loan to help pay for my brother's debts. Out of love for my mother, my brother decided to go back home and get serious about becoming sober from alcohol. However, I was angry about my brother's relationship with the married woman. Although my brother left her at first, it was more complicated than it actually was.

My sister surprised me one time I came home from work. There was a baby at home. When I asked whose baby it was, she said it's my brother's. I had to break down to God in prayer. I felt deceived. My mom knew all along and paid for the hospital bills. I remember God's words to me then. "For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, a stranger and you welcomed me, naked and you clothed me, ill and you cared for me, in prison and you visited me.' Then the righteous will answer him and say, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you drink? When did we see you a stranger and welcome you, or naked and clothe you? When did we see you ill or in prison, and visit you?' And the king will say to them in reply, 'Amen, I say to you, whatever you did for one of these least brothers of mine, you did for me.' (Mt 25:35-40)

I did not understand this until I heard my sister say that the mother of my niece had no more money for clothing and milk for the baby. Right then and there, I conceded to take her and my niece into our own home.

The Aftermath
Eventually, we were all able to stand on our feet again: my brother is more responsible with money, my sister is on her 4th year in nursing school, my mom works in the US, my father is a stay-home grandfather to my nephew and niece, and my brother's partner has the lovable qualities of my mom to the point of martyrdom. I, on the other hand, am educating myself with the IT business and computers.

For a time, I was bitter. My earthly father just could not measure up. My family was torn to pieces. My heart seemed to have stopped from feeling. My sadness reeked through my face, my words, my disposition, and my spirit. My faithfulness was tested up to the point that I questioned if it was all worth it to be a follower of Christ. The Lord showed me that God will fill me up for every shortcoming that my father had. He taught me to give up smoking by lifting it up to Him. He commanded me to leave my immoral self and be washed by His blood that I may behold His face in the end of time. He taught me to move within my own circle before I even think of reaching out to others.

God’s Encouraging Words
"Rejoice always. Pray without ceasing. In all circumstances give thanks, for this is the will of God for you in Christ Jesus." - 1 Thess 5:16-18.

"My soul is deprived of peace, I have forgotten what happiness is; I tell myself my future is lost, all that I hoped for from the Lord...Remembering it over and over leaves my soul downcast within me. But I will call this to mind, as my reason to have hope: The favors of the Lord are not exhausted, his mercies are not spent; They are renewed each morning, so great is his faithfulness. My portion is the Lord, says my soul; therefore will I hope in him. Good is the Lord to one who waits for him, to the soul that seeks him; It is good to hope in silence for the saving help of the Lord." - Lam 3:17-26

My Life
On my birthday, I spent a holy hour before the Lord at the Blessed Sacrament, attended mass, and witnessed how God is already at work in answering my prayers. I prayed for the many important areas of my life: My prayer and scripture time, my services, my community, my career, my family, my mission, my healing, my loved ones, and my future loved one. As the song goes "I'm trading my sorrows, I'm trading my shame. I'm trading my sickness. I'm trading my pain. I'm laying them down for the joy of the Lord."

Through the last 28 years of my life, the Lord continues to remain faithful to me. He continues to anoint my head with oil and my cup overflows. In my hardships, He has counted my tears. He will never get tired even when I feel like retreating. He will hear me when I feel like whispering a prayer or shouting in despair. He will carry me in His arms when I am hopeless.

God's messages for me on my day: He will never treat us according to what our sins deserve. He assures us of His provisions and greatness over uncertain situations in life. All that I am going through is part of my pruning so that I may become worthy to behold His greatness.

I thank God for all that He has allowed me to endure. Only in Him, will my joy be ever complete.

The Start of Something Good

My family yearns for love. We were not raised to be affectionate, and we rarely said "i love you" to one another. Sometimes, the only language of love that permeates within our circle is the giving of gifts. We were all deprived of full attention because my mom stood as father and mother to us. Mama's gifts could be in the form of cooking for us, preparing our school lunch, and buying us material things - to the extent of living beyond our means. I presume it was because she wanted to compensate for the lack of a father figure when we were growing up.

When I was young, my mom said she would buy me a car as a graduation gift. When I graduated, I reminded her of her promise. So when my mom retired from the bank in 2000, she bought me a used and really nice car, the latest model at the time. Another time, we wanted to own cell phones, and mama just bought us then and there. Even when we have so much debts, my brother got a new car, adding to our debts. Yet, deep inside of me, I was happy because the family would fit in one car when they would have their weekend bonding at the mall.

I was no different. I managed to treat my family to a fancy restaurant at least once a week even though I had almost maxed out my two credit cards. This was because it allowed my family to come together once a week to make up for all the unexpressed love we had for one another. I have not been a good steward. In terms of finances, I have not been able to help pay bills that much before I went to the US because I had my own debts to pay.

Now that I am earning more, I took it upon myself to pay my bills, and send home some money to help my family. Had I not been blessed with generous relatives and acquaintances, I would not be able to stay here longer. It is a tough life, away from the comforts of my home - surrounded with family and friends, and not being in my own country. I always pay cash. I do not have a bank account, a local ID, a car, and a medical insurance. I still live with relatives. These were things that used to be automatic to me in my own country.

This is just the beginning of what God has in store for me. There is no room for complacency where God placed me. He is teaching me to be a good steward. By mid-June, I shall have finished paying my debts. Whether I go back home to my country or stay here, I would then have a clean slate and continue to give financial contribution to my family's needs.

I always remember the goodness of the Lord. I find joy in knowing that He blesses me because He wants to bless my family, my workplace, my community, my church, and all those around me. May those I meet experience a deeper knowledge of the Lord through me. May I take to heart the role of evangelizing my family at home and here. May I be able to truly emulate God's love with the way I live.

God Smiles at Us

I don't even have to do anything to make God love me. He lovingly gazes at me as I sleep, and says to Himself that I am His beloved creation. He would remember that time He formed me in my mother's womb and breathed the very life I have now. He enveloped me with His mighty armor that no harm could be done upon me.

Now I am faced with this question: Does my life right now give Him pleasure? I delayed obedience for a while before finally going to the U.S. I delayed because I thought God would always understand. Yet God's message was delayed obedience is disobedience just the same.

My main objective for obeying after two years of waiting is simply to please God. "I'll pray about it" is unacceptable if you can't make that decision in two years. When I told my co-discerner all that God revealed to me, she told me that she is happy about it, and that the next step is to act on the decision. I left home even if I thought I already liked writing as a living because I know it would please God that I forget myself -specifically, my comforts.

I cannot imagine how Noah and his family were able to endure 120 years of mockery and hardship for building an ark. However, they did have a warning from God so they responded. What God said, happened. Now, if God would tell me there will be 40 days of rain, and then He will provide me specific measurements for the ark, I am not sure if I would do the same thing out of fear of the Lord. It is not a normal occurrence to hear God the way Noah did, even when I pray. But what matters is, God speaks to me and assures me about His greatness.

Obedience unlocks understanding. Now, even after my discernment, things remain uncertain about what God truly wills for me. Sometimes, I do not have a joyful disposition because my obedience is still half-hearted. I may have left everything behind, but part of me screams that I shouldn't have. God tells me to obey Him gladly.

The Lord directs my path. He delights in every detail of my life. He takes pleasure in all who honor Him, in those who trust in His constant love. What pleases the Lord is a life of total dedication and commitment. He is pleased in daily service, a job well done, and simple cafe conversations if offered unto Him. He is pleased if every decision is based upon one inspiration, and that is: to glorify Him.

I can only pray that I act accountably as His servant, and remember all His promises especially in times when I am shaken.

Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your ways to the Lord. Trust in Him and He will do this: He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, a justice for your cause like the noon day sun. - Ps 37:4-5

The Lord looks down from heaven on all mankind to see if there are any who are wise, who want to please God. - Ps 14:2

To Do His Will My Pleasure

I see service as a self-offering to the Lord. There were countless times when I have been disappointed with my co-servants who do not seem to give their best for the Lord and for His community. Because of these disappointments, I fall asleep in my service. Sometimes, it becomes too burdensome that I just make it a task to tick off my schedule. God said that my service will give Him pleasure, for as long as I have given my best. So, if something so burdensome could be a form of worship to God, let me never be free from service. If it were to make God smile, why would I not serve Him to the very end?

I want to worship in spirit and truth. Sometimes in worship, I notice that the music ministry is distracted. When I find out it is because of unavailability for practices, I want to question their commitment. Why do they have so many reasons, when we are all employed and have almost the same priorities? But God reminds me to see worship as He sees it: beautiful and pleasing to the ears if it came from the heart.

I really cannot fathom the depth of the Lord's knowledge. Unlike a presentation before people, God does not judge my performance or rate me in my preparedness for worship. He takes me as I am: whether sinful or pure, blemished or healed, or hardened or peaceful.

I am unworthy but I can make God smile. I have been planned for God's pleasure. That even when I awake or slumber, I can please God. There was this brother who got into an accident and was given a second chance in life. While in his hospital bed, I witnessed him raising his hands and singing the loudest in prayer. This was a man who almost had his body crushed, his face swollen, and his faculties almost rendered useless. Yet he praised God with all his might. It was such a glorious sight.

I want to please Him everyday in every way, whether it be in my service even when it is burdensome, in worship even when I am unworthy - or even when that time comes that I am physically unable to. For even when my body will waste away, His spirit that lives inside of me will boast of Him forever.

Measurement of Success

I once lived a wasteful life in Manila. I worked uncontrollably, and somehow got tired of the pains that my manager caused me. Because of this, I did not give my best at my work in the hotel. There was no room for growth in my career. I cried almost every night after work at the blessed sacrament. One day, although I was done for my shift and had a balanced transaction, somehow my cash float was missing some money. There was an investigation, I was judged as careless, and got suspended. To me, that was the end of my career in the hotel industry. I felt I wasted four years of my life getting a bachelor's degree in Hotel Management.

In the midst of these painful events in my life, my father got imprisoned, and my brother wasted all our money with women and booze. My family was torn with depression, and I lost track of what I was supposed to be doing. I realized that my family was more important and decided to go home. I quit my job, got into the IT business, and prayed hard. Again, I cried many times to the Lord in secret.

When I moved to my hometown, I realized that there was a big task of evangelization at hand. I took every effort to invite and follow up acquaintances so that they would join the community. I also focused on improving myself by learning new things and doing my best at work for the Lord. I found my happiness at work because it was a place where many believers worked together. Next thing I know, I got a promotion, brought many friends to community, and helped my family pick up the pieces. Add to this, I was flying business and first class, and checking in five-star hotels - all the services I only used to provide when I was working in the hotel industry.

When I graduated, I thought that my life was about having a glamorous job and becoming successful in my field. I thought it was about pleasing your manager so that you can get a promotion. I learned the hard way. I may not be as successful, but God has given me wisdom to lead people to their true home. By God's grace, I overcame my difficulties. He also made me see that I need to take full responsibility in my role as an evangelizer. In life, there are more important things to worry about.

"Seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you." - Matthew 6:33

Life is a Test

God often tells me, a worrier and a doubter, not to put Him in a box. When I read my worries logged on my journal (worries that mostly never happened), I really wish I never wasted my time thinking about them. This makes me go before the Lord with a humble, puppy-like face for I have failed the test again. Life is never about how I can handle things, because God is really the one in control of my life.

When I sin, I get so disappointed with myself that I even ask God if He is at work in my life at all. Again, this is a test - of patience. It is God's desire that I may one day be fully healed. I just have to draw closer to Him to avoid sin.

I do not have any possessions. I have given them all to my family. The fruits of my labor, I can no longer enjoy. This sometimes makes me sad. This is yet another test. But it is encouraging to hear God's words: Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth...For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also (Mt 6:19-21). I have no earthly treasures, but God tells me that I have treasures in heaven - an intimate relationship with Him, love of brethren, and moral uprightness. And though I am not rich, there is so much more to give. I can give my best at work, and all my skills to the Lord. I give my possessions to my family so that they may see - that God's love is sufficient in life, that He will take care of all our needs because He is a generous God, and that the Lord is at work in our lives. This is all in the hope that they may experience conversion as I did. May I always labor for heavenly things.

Sometimes, God becomes so silent when I pray. Yet the blessings I receive cannot go unnoticed. So for that, I know God is with me. And though God's silence is yet another test, may I focus on Him alone. Pleasing God, and experiencing His presence is sufficient for the day till He calls me home. May I be the daughter He created me to be - exhibiting strength in adversity, and joy in difficulty. May I pass the tests that come my way, trusting that God knows best.

Made for the Lord

I have been driven in life by my passions, desire for success and recognition, and hope for a place in God's kingdom. I am defocused as good things have happened that keep me from doing what God really wants. I am hardened by the wrong choices I've made and the struggles that made me think I am on my own.

I am currently driven by guilt, sometimes hiding from God's presence when He has never shun me away. My past seems to catch up on me. I feel so undeserving of His mercy and goodness. How can He love me?

I am driven by materialism wishing I had more...salary, properties, and skills. I was nothing and I did nothing good. God's spirit bore much fruit since my renewal...fruit of joy, peace, and hope. How can I turn down another opportunity to bring Him glory? My sin can overwhelm me and my slow healing progress can really be disheartening. I am in constant struggle with my own self.

Attending one Lingkod household made me realize one thing: I have to remain open to God's leading. In my desire to open to God and to please Him, I decided to say yes to attending the household. The objectives: to simplify, focus, and serve. I still say yes in the hopes of being able to exhort my sisters by His Spirit. I am not worthy, but the Lord is. I pray that I may stand before Him in fear, and that I may be courageous in bringing Him glory.

When I stand before God's people, I want to please God alone. May He prepare my heart for both big and small tasks. I am a witness of His greatness, and so shall His people be.

The Reason I Live

My romantic relationships have further caused my downfall. I try to begin everyday hoping for a miracle of healing. Only God knows how to end it all. My good friend in the faith told me, "No, the trauma you faced was not easy. And God wept that it hurt you so. But it was allowed to shape your heart so that into His likeness you'd grow."

How marvelous to look at every detail surrounding me exclaiming God's attention for me. He must indeed love me. The perfect love shared in the Trinity allowed my presence right here on earth. How He fashioned everything from my mother's womb even while she tried to abort me. God planned that I would still be alive.

It is my second life then! You knew me before I was born. My heart rejoices knowing that I will forever have your mark as your creation. I will always be your daughter and I belong to you - failures, sickness, shortcomings, sin and all.

God is my father and I will no longer try to parent myself. God has the best plans for me from the very beginning. "You are who you are...because there is a God." It can be hard to look at myself in the mirror because of my flaws. His Word gives me life. I know in my heart a fire that burns and says I am precious in the eyes of my Father. God purposefully made me for a reason and waits for me to recognize Him when I feel unloved. I want to start anew, rediscover that purpose by going back to making God the center of my life. I am not so cast out or beaten by my mistakes and sin. The Lord will do all things for His plans to happen.

All that has happened to me and what is about to happen has not escaped the Lord's watchful eye. He is with me even before I was conceived. I find comfort knowing that God has always helped me pick up the pieces of my life that I may one day be whole again. Trusting in God's wisdom whose thoughts are higher than mine will one day help me understand.

Heaven Knows

Some events in my life have caused my destruction. I have allowed them to bring me into the point of hopelessness and despair. I just considered them as my fate because God has allowed them. What I did not really see is they were made for the purpose of strengthening me. Otherwise, they were made for the purpose of weakening me that I may realize how strong my God is. For a time, I found myself lacking, unloved, and abandoned. I tried to understand things on my own, struggled to live each day, wandering in a world of lawless people. By law, I mean that which was made in heaven. My heart stops in envy of others who share about not experiencing much hardships in life. I often find myself asking God the infamous question, "Why?"

Once, I went to this orphanage. The girls there were either abandoned, battered, or sexually abused. I wonder, "In all of God's power, why can a man's sin, which causes so much destruction on another, escape His sight? Why can He not choose to protect His beloved children?" My mom admitted to me in sorrow that I was an unwanted child. Recalling the past, I used to wish that God allowed me to be unborn. That way, I would not have been hurt. I have not been spared from much hardships as a child, ones that are too painful to write. Having to live with my pain at one point almost drove me insane. I did not want to live, and asked God to have mercy and to strike me dead.

In August 1999, my conversion, God gave me hope. Fresh out of college and of a heartbreak, God proved that He is my protector. I met the Lord through Ang Lingkod ng Panginoon, and realized that there is no point in pursuing relationships that led me to sin. He protected me from further falling into sin and from making further mistakes in life. Being in a Catholic community helped me open my perspective in dealing with sisters who had the same questions for the Lord, who had unbearable pain, and who for a moment, lost their desire to bounce after falling. In my efforts to please the Lord, I always claim that I say "Your will be done." This sometimes causes me too much pain, one that I cannot seem to bear.

But God is faithful. Over time, I experience His healing. He has given me a ministry - one that helps me and those like me to be healed. I wanted to be God's messenger and healer, after experiencing God's healing. Why the pills did not take effect when I tried to end it all, why I did not get aborted, why I did not marry the man of my dreams, and any other Why question I throw at Him, I now have the answer. It's as simple as this: God wants what's best for me. It took me 23 years before I realized my ministry. Hence, I choose God first always. And when I get hurt in my choosing, I know God will bring me back to my purpose. May my yes give Him glory.

God's plans endure forever; His purposes last eternally. - Ps 33:11