Un-prodigal Me

I am moved by this article. It talks about how God can make something good out of painful situations. It talks about the feeling of unworthiness when we have sinned.

Yesterday, I studied the Parable of the Prodigal Son. Popularly known for the love of a (prodigal) father, I picked up the lesson on the attitudes of the two brothers. Much as I realize that I am redeemed and now bask in the Lord's untiring love for me, the barely healed hurts in my heart cloud my perception of God's encompassing love and mercy. I am guilty of wondering what good can turn out of the people who have done me evil and pain. If at all, perhaps the experiences have allowed me to see that God is my comforter, that I can help others in the same situation, and that I am tougher than before. But as to how loving God should be to those who did such evil, I could not fathom. My mind tells me not to even pray for them, after all they have done.

I have become like the older brother in the parable. I come to God and tell Him, "Lord, show them who You are...that all things work for good for those who love You (Ro 8:28)." But the following article tells me that everything that happens is part of God's plan. It is not right for me to put Him in a box. That God is merciful and generous to all His children, and that none of us deserves more than the other. To be blessed at all is supposed to make me grateful. That just because I am now walking in the light does not mean that God should bless me more. That just because another sinner did more or did worse does not mean that God should spare him less than He spared me. God can still transform anyone who comes to Him with a repentant heart. Forgive me, Lord, for I have sinned.

Transforming Power by Elisabeth Elliot

If God is almighty, there can be no evil so great as to be beyond His power to transform. That transforming power brings light out of darkness, joy out of sorrow, gain out of loss, life out of death.

Sometimes we boggle at the evil in the world and especially in ourselves, feeling that this sin, this tragedy, this offense cannot possibly fit into a pattern for good. Let us remember Joseph's imprisonment, David's sin, Paul's violent persecution of Christians, Peter's denial of his Master. None of it was beyond the power of grace to redeem and turn into something productive. The God who establishes the shoreline for the sea also decides the limits of the great mystery which is evil. He is "the Blessed Controller of all things." God will finally be God, Satan's best efforts notwithstanding.

"Because it’s the only way to grow spiritually and be emotionally healthy. The Bible says, 'Make this your common practice: Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you can live together whole and healed.'" - James 5:16

I Go for Depth

He was an entrepreneur as are most Chinoys in Pinas.
But he paid off many people for his business to survive.
He said he sees no point in pursuing his career here.
He’s better off in the Philippines where he could move freely.
I told him that he can be honest and earn just enough to survive.

He said he believes his mom’s "vibes" on people.
He believes in Feng Shui and could make good business out of it.
He said he no longer believed in marriages.
Just because his brothers did not do so well in that area.
Of course, that is just an addition to his traumatic experiences.

I listened, but I tried mostly to wake him up.
Surely, God must have sent him here because that kind of life was futile.
He must simply allow God more room in his life.
That if he went back to bribery and going with the flow,
He probably has not learned anything at all.

As if to highlight our discussion, during the mass we attended,
The reading talked about non-conformity to the worldly ways.
I do not see him victorious in his plight.
Although he could live to inspire with his story,
He chooses to go back to his old life.

That was the last I heard of him.
I have long seen that friendship's all there is to it.
But now even friendship seems out of the equation.
I tell you, it is really difficult to become a disciple.
Yet, as a discip le, it is much more difficult to fish for more.

Jesus said to him, "If you wish to be perfect, go, sell what you have and give to (the) poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me.” When the young man heard this statement, he went away sad, for he had many possessions. Then Jesus said to his disciples, "Amen, I say to you, it will be hard for one who is rich to enter the kingdom of heaven. – Mt 18: 21-23

"To anyone who has, more will be given and he will grow rich; from anyone who has not, even what he has will be taken away...But the seed sown on rich soil is the one who hears the word and understands it, who indeed bears fruit and yields a hundred or sixty or thirtyfold...Whoever has ears ought to hear." – Mt 13

"Sometimes I sympathize with the author of Psalm 119--"Gusts of anger seize me as I think of evil men who forsake Thy law"--and wish I could force people to accept what I see as truth. Jesus did not force them. "With many such parables He would give them His message, so far as they were able to receive it" (Mk 4:33 NEB). There may be some who are willing but not able to receive, others able but not willing. Only God can be sure who's who. We are to be faithful in transmitting the message and willing to respect the hearer. If God grants him freedom of will to receive or reject, so must I. If he is as yet unable to receive it, I must entrust him to God, remembering the narrow limits of my own understanding as well." - Excerpt from Able to Receive by Elisabeth Elliot

Thirty Years in the Making

This is long overdue. It was supposed to be my birthday blog entry, thus the title. I also played the acoustic background music (and guess who sang in it!) in the 2nd slide entitled "Why Present?". I still have two of the slide's timing off and the volume can get a bit low in some slides. But I may not find time to edit this. As it is, I already used multiple softwares to create/edit the sound and the video. Also, I only used an unregistered software for the PPS to WMV conversion (unless you could recommend a different software). Dami ko pa sinabe noh? Enjoy!

PART 1 OF 3:


PART 2 OF 3:


PART 3 OF 3:

More than Conquerors

I think I had fun – one I haven’t had in a long time.
The Saturday we met was quite unplanned.
He said he likes surprises, contrary to the planner in me.
He joked that he was in a pink car, while I searched around the full parking lot.
As I approached a red car that was obviously his, he faked a panic.
And asked over the line, "Is that you, the beautiful girl walking my way?"
He made me grin up to my ears, and I knew that he knew all about fun.

The conversations we had lasted for about six hours.
He had a lot of things to say about anything.
I learned he was the youngest, half-Chinese, and loved to cook.
He knew how to speak Chinese, loved to work out, and had an adopted sister.
As usual, the planner in me just imagined a meeting over coffee or dinner.
I told myself, "Just plain talk, nothing serious or heavy."
But I was completely unaware of how meaningful it was becoming.

I almost choked as he told me his story here in this foreign land.
After 13 years together and being cheated on once, he was willing to work it out
When she moved to the U.S. on their 9th year, he took odd jobs to visit his love here.
Until he finally decided to leave everything behind to marry her.
Unfortunately, he found out that his love is cheating on him once more.
So he detached himself from everyone he loved, to find himself again.
I almost hugged him to tell him that he had such a beautiful story to tell.

After two years, he is out on a first date with me.
That this is his excuse for any mess he is making.
He expressed his yearning for his family, to make up for lost time with his parents.
He longed for his friends who wanted to be there for him all this time.
I saw an opportunity to speak to him about the Lord.
And I told him about friends within our age group that exists in City on the Hill.
I also said I would understand if this religious talk would scare him away (it did not).

We ended up talking about the purposes of all that happened to us.
That all that happened was out of God’s kindness towards us.
That the Lord will not bring us all the way here just to see us scurry home.
That he can find life in the US and not be married to the idea of life with that woman.
And I sincerely asked God that He protect and heal our wounded hearts.
May we become more than conquerors that those who hear of our stories glorify the Lord.
May the Lord restore what was lost, and may we look beyond our circumstances.

"What, then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us? …In all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." – Ro 8:31, 37-38

A Slave No Longer

I was too afraid of losing his love.
I met him the first time I attended church.
Being in a new country, I adjusted with him in the picture.
Naturally I knew not how to be separate from him
Because I never did things on my own.

I lost my sense of independence.
I planned my time according to his free time.
I waited for his regular phone call at certain times of the day.
I thought of him whenever I got the chance.
I willed whatever he willed for me.

I made him my world.
I lost myself to sin with him.
I stopped seeing my spiritual director.
I accepted his lies for fear of being alone.
I was more afraid of not being in familiar ground.

I lost the joy I used to possess coming to this land.
This was going to be the second time of admitting.
I made a mistake once again in choosing my partner.
I realized I was not afraid of losing him.
Even when I knew he was no longer the person I loved.

It has been a full month of non-communication.
I have decided to allow God to free me from that baggage.
I keep busy if only to get preoccupied.
I only cry about it a little before God now.
He is the only one who cares to listen.

God has long revealed it many times.
No one deserves that kind of treatment.
My healing is now His business.
I am a better person without him.
The truth has set me free.

"If you remain in my word, you will truly be my disciples,
and you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free." - Jn 8: 31-32

Outcry

I tried hard not to fall for him again.
I drank too much when he came to see me.
But I woke up to a place where sin can start again.
I thought I saw love, longing, and hope in his eyes.
Only to find passion and lust masquerading.

He came back and reclaimed my heart.
Oh! The same old story, but I did not see it coming.
After promises of love and fidelity.
And convincing me to let the new one go.
Once again, he left me cold.

Why be so cruel that he would not let me heal?
Why did I let him trick me once again?
What evil lurks within one’s soul?
As to cause the slowest death unto my being?
When will I ever see that he is cause for misery?

Can he not let me be…happy and content?
Why do I allow him to cause me more pain?
When will I ever find the strength to say no?
Where can I run so my heart will just harden?
Do I have any loved ones left to protect me?

When I am not myself, please shake me.
When he comes near me, please cover me.
When I could not stop crying, please accept me.
When I am alone, please intercede for me.
When I see no hope, Lord, have mercy on me.

Not Smitten Enough

You serenaded me on our first meeting.
You gave me three white roses and a drink.
You impressed my friends with the finest serving.
You never left my side since then.

You once brought me breakfast and lunch at work.
You surprised me with a visit at church and Ferrero!
You gave me the most beautiful flowers I'd ever seen.
You bought a healthy sandwich for a health-conscious me.

You are one true gentleman - yes, I've noticed.
You make me feel important, loved, and needed.
You inspire me to be me, and perhaps to be a better me.
Should I believe this is the right time for us?

You assure me of faithfulness, even when I do not doubt.
You care for me like there's no tomorrow.
You have faith that can take us places.
Why can't your heart cradle mine?

Why am I not smitten with your pleasantry and style…
When it must be right? You must be right.
What else could you possibly do to win me over?
Maybe nothing, I just am not ready for love.

I Don't Have the Mind of God Yet

Whirlwind romance?

I hope not. Right now, it’s really too early to say much about how deeply I feel for him. Yes, it is strong especially because it is something new. As to how deep it is, only time will tell.

When I got into it, I was just relying merely on how I felt, how I longed for love, and how promising and so much better a man he presented himself. Most of the time we spent together can be counted over the phone whether voice or text. He has consistently been present in my life, and he is someone I can talk to and love listening to.

I know I should have discerned before I went ahead with this relationship. Neither he nor I deny the fact that we rushed into things. He is mature enough to agree with me to take a step back and discover more of each other day by day. So, while we are in this relationship, he is also taking his time. At the end of each day, we see to it that we talk about what we have learned from each other.

I discovered that…

• He works really hard. I just try to understand because I want him to do the things he loves doing.
  He gets jealous, but tries to understand. We resolved this by informing each other of our whereabouts, and letting trust operate.


• He knows how to pray, and prays such beautiful prayers with me impromptu (he also tells me what he prays to the Lord about us).


• He inspires me to pray (yesterday after our phone conversation, I really worshipped and prayed to the Lord for taking care of an area of my life when I least expected it).


• He understands what I have been through with my exes. Though we discussed that I should not go by such measures with him, he told me to take enough time that I need until I am able to love fully.


• He is "matampuhin". He asked me to be more sensitive of his feelings, while he also would loosen up. We also resolved that we should not let the sun set on any ill feelings toward each other.


• He is really sweet, and likes to assure me of his love. He sings me songs in my voicemail and sometimes before I sleep; surprises me with flowers, chocolates, breakfast and lunch at work; and he assures me of his faithfulness (telling me about how he evades women who try to get onto him i.e. one time he was at Musikahan).


• He is really serious with me and is not just into meaningless pursuits (he introduced me to his family and tells his friends and coworkers about me).


• He is a gentleman and is actually conservative (he carries heavy stuffs, opens doors, holds my hand, walks at the danger zone, and told me last Saturday to wear shorts cuz my dress during the retreat was a bit flimsy).


• He is protective of how his family may perceive me (His mom is here and wants to spend as much time with him as possible, so he said that he will do as his mom says. This way, his mom will not see me as competition).


• He is really serious with his singing (joining a contest next month, and planning to join American Idol next season!!!)


• He is lovable (he makes me feel loved, needed, beautiful, and precious. I tell myself that all these I know because God told me so. But for him to see that, and treat me as I deserve to be treated…that is what makes him different. Should I compare? Maybe I should not, especially because it is too early. But at this time, that is something added to the essentials on my list. That is something that my partner should be able to consistently exhibit during our relationship).

Did I learn from my previous mistakes?

During the retreat, I faced the Lord with the recent decision I made. With this relationship now taking place, I asked the Lord what he wanted me to do. Simply this…to offer our bodies as living sacrifices to the Lord…to let Him take center stage in our relationship…and to take things slow and make things always right before Him (things that did not transpire with my previous relationships). The Lord promises that He will bless it if we follow His commandments.

I do not want to take a messianic attitude. I do invite him to attend church activities. In time, I believe he will attend. Right now, I just know that I have loved and lost…and survived. I thought I could not love again. With the recent heartache, God is still working in me. I know I am a better person because I know that I now love myself more. I know that I should never settle because God wants the best for me. I know I should be firm with my decisions, especially ones that I make with the Lord. So now I continue to have the attitude of prayer with my new relationship. This way, God can lead me and reveal to me His will. I want to be in stride with the Lord as I walk towards my goal.

I once lost all hope in being able to love again, but I now find hope in the Lord. I know not if he has come at the right time of my life. I do not know what the Lord has in mind about us. With my decision to move on and to love him, I can hope in a limitless God…where possibilities of love can come in unexpected packages…even right after a major heartbreak…while still on the road to complete healing…and when our faith relies on a promise of a heaven where all things are in place.

Brothers and sisters, I can’t consider myself a winner yet. This is what I do: I don’t look back, I lengthen my stride, and I run straight toward the goal to win the prize that God’s heavenly call offers in Christ Jesus. - Phil 3:13-14

Idle Thoughts of Him

I see him sincere and always wanting to make me happy.
He makes me feel beautiful and precious.
Even when he’s tired, he shows me he cares.
Maybe he does want to start a new chapter with me.
Why should I not trust his offering?

He asked, "Am I not deserving?" but respects my need for time.
He said he does not play and wants us to be exclusive.
He sings me songs till he melts my heart each day.
He understands my fears for I want to decide apart from feeling.
Could this be a risk worth taking?

One night, he counted my pulse rate: normal but fast.
I know little about the field of medicine.
But I just know that he would find out…it was nerve-racking!
He introduced me to his family though it was too early for such.
I came because it meant a lot to him – to make him happy.

We share an intimacy and honesty only old friendships attain.
I can listen to his sharing…his singing…his laughter all night long.
He is part of my life now…more like a good habit.
With him, I can be both strong and vulnerable.
Even when we fall silent together, he puts me right at ease.

He reminds me of lazy afternoons at our hammock back home.
He is lemonade after life has thrown me lemons.
So with all my might I pray to God for what’s in store for us…
That with each discovery, we could accept and enjoy each other.
Perhaps we can hope for a ride of a lifetime.

Rise

The other day I found myself wondering...
It is already the month of May...
The tears are all dried up...
And the pain still comes every now and then...
But God assures me...
Just because people treat you like trash...
Doesn't define who you are...
You are my beloved daughter...
You are precious in my eyes...
I will make you soar like an eagle...
You will shine and become victorious...
Everything will be all right.

"But you will not even need to fight.
Take your positions; then stand still
and watch the Lord’s victory." - 2 Chronicles 20:17

This song captures it all...

Rise by Gabrielle

I know that it's over.
That I can't believe we're through.
They say that time's a healer.
Yeah.And I'm better without you.

It's gonna take time I know,
But I'll get over you.

Look in my life.
Look in my heart.
I have seen them fall apart.
Now I'm ready to rise again.
Just look in my hopes.
Look at my dreams building

bridges from these scenes.
Now, I'm ready to rise again.

Caught up in my thinking.
Yeah.
Like a prisoner in my mind.
You pose so many questions.
But, the truth was hard to find.

I better think twice I know
that I'll get over you.

Look in my life.
Look in my heart.
I have seen them fall apart.
Now I'm ready to rise again.
Just look in my hopes.
Look in my dreams building
bridges from these scenes.
Now, I'm ready to rise again.

Much time has passed between us.
Mmm.
Do you still think of me at all?
My world of broken promises.
Now, you won't catch me when I fall.

Look in my life.
Look in my heart.
I have seen them fall apart.
Now I'm ready to rise again.
Just look in my hopes.
Look at my dreams building
bridges from these scenes.
Now, I'm ready to rise again.

Yes, I'm gonna rise, and make it all right,
I'm going to be who I want to be, yeah baby.
Yeah. Yeah.
I'm going to make it all right.
I'm going to make it all right.

The Little Big Boy

He was fashionably late; he claimed he had an errand.
We went to PF Chang's over at The Pike.
He stated a number to the welcome party there.
To my surprise, he made prior reservations (impressive!).

We were seated at a nice booth with a cozy couch.
He asked me to order for him (I was not used to that at all).
But when we decided on our order,
He was the one who stated our order (nice!).

When the starters came,
I asked if he prayed before meals.
This was gonna make or break it.
He was either gonna accept me as me, or not.

He said he always prays before meals.
Which often caught his lunch buddies offguard.
I asked him to lead the prayer.
And he gladly said grace.

We talked about his work, family, and interests.
He is with a family of musicians, and music is his outlet.
He is very passionate about his work.
He keeps his weight down by playing basketball.

He was part of a band, where he learned how to smoke (oops!)
But he surprisingly did not light a single cigarette the whole time.
Neither did his car smell of cigar stench.
He also showed his picture with chin-length hair (no way!).

Like me, he can down a lot of beer and not get drunk.
He has been serving in the church since third grade.
He misses his brothers and mom.
He loves to cook, and prefers seafood and pork.

We walked around the bay.
He was not bringing a jacket so we dared not go far.
I came up with a three question game
I had one rule: No duplicate questions.

"What gets you excited?" (he took a long time to answer)
He finally answered sneaking out.
What one thing would you not want me to know about you?
He used to weigh 250 lbs at 5'11.5" in height.

"Would someone get hurt or angry if she found out you were out dating now?"
He had a long-distance girlfriend and they are no longer together.
He said it was hard for them both, it's been on and off since mid last year.
He said it was a mutual decision to finally end it.

He asked me "What ticks you off?"
I answered, "Guys who are so full of themselves"
"Where do you want me to kiss you tonight?"
I slapped his arm and said, "My hand." (naughty eh!?)

We watched Iron Man (he purchased tickets online!).
It was really exciting to watch with him.
He was always looking at how I reacted.
And I almost got ticklish whenever he whispered in my ear.

At his car, he played Iris from Googoo Dolls.
It's the same song he sang for me when we first met.
He asked me his 3rd question, "You know why I was late?"
"I had to go to Disney World," and handed me a giant stuffed toy.

I laughed and said, "It's been ages since I got a stuffed toy!"
The story behind: He once asked me if I liked muscled men.
I told him, "I think baby fat, huggable guys are cute.
So he said he liked Garfield, and I said I liked Winnie the Pooh.

Then he drove me home and walked me to the front door.
And he could not look me in the eye (funny little boy!)
Then I asked him, "Ask me the question again." (And he couldn't!)
I said, "Just at the cheek." And he kissed me at the cheek. (Oh sweetness!)

Trusting God’s No

My mom raised me to be independent, even when I was young.
I was always very active in sports, training after school hours.
My first time away from home was when I was 12 years old due to a tournament.
I enrolled myself in self-defense classes, swimming lessons, and fitness programs.
I developed and followed my own exercise routine till now.

Naturally, I became a person who always insisted on what I wanted.
I was not the type to back down on any argument.
Whenever someone opposed my two cents, I would be on the defensive.
The corporate world also taught me how to get the buy-in of management.
This in turn enabled me to influence employees’ stand on certain issues.

I prayed that the Lord grant me a visa to travel to the US, and got one.
I prayed that I get a new car after college graduation, and my mom gave me one.
I prayed that I pass an exam or deliver a presentation well, and did.
For a while, I became confident of my enhanced skill.
I seemed to get what I want when I prayed for it, or even when I didn’t.

Until one time that I sincerely prayed for my potential partner in life.
He did to me all things that would make me despise him.
All my family and friends told me to not take him back, but I did.
The Lord revealed to me that he was not the man he wanted for me.
But even when God set up roadblocks, I insisted on my own will.

Waiting was not an option, it meant suffering - else, it meant defeat.
I told myself, "Bargain with the Lord so He could change the man you loved."
Yet God told me that He has given us the free will to allow Him inside or not.
And that if I trusted in His great plan for me, then I can someday thank Him for His no.
It was an answered prayer all the same, just packaged differently.

God is still working on answering my prayer for that potential partner.
What is important is I glorify Him in the suffering, and allow Him to heal me.
I no longer walk in the shadow of my past achievements and defeats.
God has emptied me that I may be confident instead on what He can do for me.
So I am filled with joy knowing that God has a promise waiting to be fulfilled.

"Our troubles are slight and short-lived, and their outcome an eternal glory
which outweighs them far. Meanwhile our eyes are fixed,
not on the things that are seen, but on the things that are unseen." (2 Cor 4:17, 18 NEB).

Making Music Together

We played the guitar together, putting joy to my heart.
He struggled to sing me his composition.
To me, it was perfect because he gave his best.
I loved watching him play while I did the singing.
He listened to a song once and knew how to play it.

We praised God in church through our music.
We served the church with our music.
He led in playing every song, I simply followed.
I had a different style, but his sounded better.
Through it, I learned how to support and submit.

Humility was never an issue for me.
He subjected me to torture with his infidelity.
I accepted him believing it was momentary.
He said I fit into his essentials, and I was his love.
But he was confused and continued juggling.

I told him I loved him despite the wrong he did me.
He asked for forgiveness, but he continued to err.
He asked for time to let the other go at his convenience,
He soon made me see, he no longer loved me.
The music we played together was going out of sync.

In sorrow, I prayed again to God for strength.
Why settle when God had someone better in mind?
With this prayer came another revelation,
I found proof that he was still in darkness.
The music faded. But all will soon be well.

Can You Be a Wild Card?

You said you're sorry and you would never do it again.
You said the other woman just came on to you and you could not resist.
You said I am the one you love, not her.
You said she does not fit your essentials; I am your perfect match.
You said you would take me with you from now on.
You said you would leave her; just waiting for the perfect time to avoid a scandal.
You said God told you to choose me.

How can you ever make up for the lost time?
How can you make it work between us?
How can you make up your mind when you are together with us both?
How can you be trusted again?
How can you prove to me everyday that I am the only one?
How can you assure me without getting tired?
How can you ease the pain?

How can I live a day not wondering if you looked at her while at work?
How can I feel secure in your arms when you have fallen while you were with God?
How can I dream a future with you after the pain you have caused me?
How can I believe when all you've been doing is lying to me?
How can I love you still when all the tears have already dried up?
How can I accept you when you have been unfaithful to me more than once?
How can I forget that you once chose to hurt me even when you choose me now?

Glorious Exits

When he said for me to wait 'cause he'll come back,
When he made me hope with I miss you's and I will see you soon,
When he kissed me again when we saw each other,
What does it mean?

When he said there was no other and he's not such a man,
When he denied that he was back at his past bad habits,
When he lied again that he could not see me because of work,
What am I to think?

When everything now tells me he loves me no more,
When my tears are dried up, and it seems he'll rejoice,
When my love for him wanes till I can make it on my own,
Why can't he just say it straight?

Is he just pulling my leg or just preserving his ego?
Why can't he just let me cry all at one time?
When is it ever kinder to break someone's heart gently?
What glory is there in exiting your loved one's life?

Hard times hit and left me crying to God in my lenten plight.
Jesus is more alive in my heart as I shared with Him this pain.
God sent loved ones to comfort and pray and guide.
Lord, with my surrender, may I have a glorious exit heaven-bound.

The Grace to Say "No More"

He was a potential partner.
He started with many love affairs: with God, with his brothers, and with me. He had such great training, was a born leader, and had everything going well for him in every area of his life. He had some four surprises for me I would never forget: two times he bought me something, and two surprise visits.

Loving him is never wrong.
Even when I began noticing the changes in him, I had to be patient, I had to be more understanding, I had to work it out with him. I loved him despite his shortcomings. I was always overwhelmed with glee when he tried to make it up to me. The love I gave away, I gave fully. For love shared is never wasted. Even though the love that is real is only one-sided. I just knew that I loved. And by that love that I chose to give, I found joy. So even when I am now hurting, I could never regret loving.

Why the change - this remains unanswered.
Slowly he drifted away from God. He changed and started a web of lies. He lost all the things that mattered to him. He became a lost soul. Suddenly, he was the only one who knew about the plan for our future. Or maybe he just didn't know what they really were. This is because he was not ready, contrary to what he made me believe. He didn't know what he wanted. He had forgotten my value. He simply saw that I loved him too much. He knows I would always forgive him.

The man he used to be is history.
Despite all my concerns, he continued to drag me down. I found no peace as months wore on. He drained what little joy was left in our relationship. He failed to make me see the promise in him which was there when we started.

A love that was lost.
He had too many plans that had to go first. I was the least of his priorities, but just was not man enough to admit it. He kept pulling my leg. He kept failing at keeping his promises. He kept hiding things from me: his schedule, his whereabouts, his doings, and his wrongdoings. He was no longer showing me his thoughtfulness, forgot about his commitments, drank too much alcohol, started to go in and out of my life as he pleased, and continued to abandon me. All the while, he pressed me to believe and to wait. Though I was always quick to love and forgive, he was quick to dismiss me. He was almost eager to do the same thing to me everytime. It was just a one-way street. It seemed he did not want to let go, and yet he was just waiting to be set free. He wanted for me to keep on believing in him, when he could not even find his own self.

Time heals all wounds.
So even when I am nursing a broken heart, I also rejoice. For in my suffering, I discovered a loving God who promises to be my strength and comfort. In the process of breaking, I discover more love willingly given by family, friends, and spiritual partners.

Prayers do move mountains.
I pray for joy that comes from God alone. I have hope in the Lord. For all things work for good for those who love the Lord and are called according to His purpose (Ro 8:28).

I pray that I will one day be fully healed, and can go back to this ordeal one day with a victorious laugh. May He never find me lacking in my singleness now, which I offer back to Him. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me (Phil 4:13).

I look back and pray for him who hurt me. I choose not to question him nor the Lord. I choose not to judge Him for God alone is perfect. The Lord, in all His mercy and faithfulness, will be with him in his own pain.

May I recover from this pain soon. May I one day find it in my heart to love again, in the best way that I was with him. May my fears be melted away, and may I find security once again in the arms of one who is worth fighting for, one who finds worth in me to fight for me. Even though I once said, "No more."

Lies, Lies, Lies

I saw the worst in me.
Learned to doubt my principles.
Believed the problem was with me.
With the stories tied together.
You had everyone under your finger.

Too many inconsistencies I let slide.
Out of my love, I was too blind.
With all the working outs,
The tears you wiped.
A creative mind you formed indeed.

You were smitten by someone else.
Or was it something else?
Fought for our love for nothing.
Even went a little crazy.
Hoping it's all worth fighting for.

Was just your second fiddle.
You told me lies, lies, lies.
A minute too long would cause more pain.
You don't know what you want.
You don't know what you got.

You lost my trust.
Even with all my love,
I cannot find faith in our future.
How could you lie to your "love"?
No more why's, just plain facts.

These are little things,
But you cannot be trusted.
You are my brother in faith.
So I took your word.
I thought I was sure with you.

You were supposed to support me.
You were supposed to add some joy.
You were supposed to respect me.
You were supposed to be honest.
You were supposed to lead our love home.

I don't know where else to turn.
I need a love that's forever.
I need a shoulder to cry on.
I need the strength to move mountains.
Lord, count my tears.

Make me whole, I beg you.
Take me back to that time.
When I knew who I was - before him.
Else claim all that's left in me.
Grant me the grace to say farewell.

Free Spirits

You started out interesting,
Thought it made things more exciting.
Boredom was not an option,
Our similarity made it possible.

Ours was a promising partnership,
Chemistry factor was undeniable.
Your love for God nailed it,
A match made in heaven it could be.

After barely months together,
You started to show little interest.
Everything else came first,
A free spirit you remained.

I myself am a free spirit,
But chose to change with commitment.
I expected reciprocation,
Yet you went your own way.

Despite the demands I aired,
I kept getting neglected.
The free spirit in you I loved,
Now raised more questions about our future.

Silenced for my impatience,
You said "Trust it will get better."
Perhaps staying meant working it out,
Forgiving meant seeing you through.

If we were to overcome this stage,
The love may last a lifetime.
If we were not,
At least my part I have done.

How does one?

He asked so much of me.
He held me strong in his arms.
Helped me see brighter days when life hit me hard.
So many times, he showed signs.
Yet I believed. I loved. He’s just right.

He’s the reason I stayed, the reason I gave.
Thought he deserved my love.
He’s the reason for my pain.
Thought our love was worth it.
Wish I could say, “It’s over. I can.”

I should’ve seen it coming.
He was the last man for me.
I was a fool, he could be better.
He said our love was forever.
He made me believe. I loved. So wrong.

He said not to compare.
So I said maybe it’s real.
But I made the same mistake.
God, this is twice the pain.
Oh I believed. I loved. Too much.

How does one stop from caring?
How does one stop from going crazy?
How does one sleep at night?
How does one believe once more?
How does one stop the tears from falling?
How does one learn to kneel and pray?
How does one love herself again?
How does one start all over?

He’s the reason I stayed, the reason I gave.
So much, too much of what he deserves.
He’s the reason for my pain.
Thought our love was worth it.
Wish I could say “It’s over. I can.”
Help me believe I'll make it right again.

The Men in My Life

Before March 1999 – I had three serious boyfriends starting from my college freshmen years. I was never happy with them because they were not rich enough, loving enough, or intelligent enough. I never felt they deserved my commitment, and I left them without much explanation.

March 1999 to June 1999 – I loved Francis. With him, I decided that I was going to be a better person. I quit smoking and I grabbed a bible in National Bookstore. We talked marriage and kids, and I made him my world. In three months, I noticed certain things which made me feel that I was not the only woman in his life. The big blow: he admitted to me he was already married. Right then and there, I ended our relationship and went home to Pampanga.

August 1999 – I committed myself to Christ. This is supposed to be the part where I write longer. But there was nothing visual as that of the tongues of fire cut in half. Yet the Holy Spirit rested upon me and I experienced the power of the Holy Spirit through the gift of tongues. This, however, is not where I end victoriously.

May 2000 to sometime in 2002 – I met with Francis on several occasions. He said sorry, updated me on the status of his annulment, and I gave him a second chance. We tried to patch things up. What hindered me from becoming fruitful in my commitment to Christ was I still continued to see Francis. We were talking about trips around the world, and his plea for me to wait for him until he finishes the annulment case in about a year. But the Lord was already knocking on the door to my heart. There was no longer any desire for me to live in two worlds.

September 2001 – I ended my relationship and decided to attend the annual Lingkod national leadership training conference. I met a brother in that conference. He was the branch leader, and proved to be handsome inside and out.

October 2001 to October 2006 – The brother and I started getting to know each other. He would fly all the way to Makati to see me. We went to Baguio together, he visited me in Makati about 5 times, and spent two Christmases and New Years at my house. My family accepted him. We had an understanding that we were each other’s potential partner.

January 2002 – I realized that there are certain things in life that the brother had to fix before he could fully enter into a relationship with me. He had to discern whether he is called to serve as a single man for the Lord. This is called state of life discernment. He also faced his responsibilities as head of the family (his mom and sister were staying illegally in Canada and he needed to help them).

July 2002 – He went to Canada and an employer sponsored him because he is intelligent, is really good in Sales and Marketing, and has a degree in the medical field. I understood that he needed to establish himself there and help his family. But he said that he would go back to the Philippines and present himself before me again in September 2005 (in time for the Lingkod national leadership training conference. He sent me CDs, a book signed by the author Mitch Albom himself, and money by surprise. I had major upsets with my previous work, and he was virtually there just like when he was still in the Philippines.

Sometime after the brother left in 2002 – Francis told me about the community he has started attending. He was still trying to win me back. This has also kept me in constant struggle because I was not yet fully healed from the pain he caused me. I figured if he was causing me pain, then getting back with him would take away the pain. But I had a firmer grasp of God’s will for me, so I told him that I am already seeing someone else. I lied for my own sake, because I knew he would always have a way with words. I would always end up giving him another chance. But I thought to myself, he would stop contacting me if I was already seeing someone else. He did stop contacting me after that.

September 2004 – The brother financed my trip to Iloilo and registration fee to the Lingkod national leadership training conference.

August 2005 – I went to the US, and I got to chat on the phone with the brother almost everyday for about 2 weeks. He said he had to move his return to the Philippines to September 2006 because he still needed to switch jobs and build a bigger network for his new job. He also said that his sister was getting serious with a Canadian, and that his mom needed to go home to the Philippines to settle some property issues. It meant that he was going to be freed from his obligations.

However, our last phone conversation changed it all. He was throwing something in the air, "What if it became us?" I was caught off guard by his question cuz he was the one who caused so much delay already. So I just shrugged the thought of it and told him, "Well, it's not us." His mood changed, he came up with an excuse that he had to go and could not stay long on the phone, and didn’t call even until I went back to the Philippines. Since then, he barely kept in touch. At around the same time, an employer gave me the opportunity to work in the US. This was not attractive to me then cuz there was a lot going for me in AOL. Also, I hoped he was still going home September 2006.

September 2005 to March 2006 – My friends told me that he is no longer into me. This was a hard slap on my face. They made me realize that it was a stupid thing to reserve myself cuz in the first place, we never made a commitment before he left. I could not find any brother then that compared to him. I was unfair towards other suitors cuz I did not give them a chance at all. I was so into the brother after the traumatic experience I had with Francis that I thought he was God’s answer to my prayers. At the same time, I was already doing my job discernment (whether I was going to the US to work or staying in AOL).

March 2006 – I went back to the US. I kept on trying to reach the brother, but he never returned my calls. It was the saddest US trip ever. It was becoming clear to me that the special relationship we had was going nowhere.

September 2006 – The brother did not come home. At this time, I made my decision to move to the US to help pay the family debts.

October 8, 2006 – I was on a business trip in Cebu. I greeted the brother on his birthday and felt inclined to tell him about my decision to go to the US. I also wanted to put a closure on what we had because I had waited and hoped too long. I asked him why he had not kept his promise of going home, and why he has not been there for me for the longest time. His response: I have not been there for you. You deserve a better man. I was checked in ShangriLa Mactan and I stayed in my room crying my eyes out until there were no more tears left. It was painful that I have allowed myself to become emotionally attached to someone. I told myself that I have turned down so many brothers because I kept comparing them to a brother who had no plans in the future with me. How foolish I had been.

It did not take long before I was on my feet again. After the long wait for the brother, I simply had to grab hold of myself and say what difference would it make that I wait further. I have been technically alone since 2001. Yet, because I was preparing for a trip to the US, I still had to turn down suitors. It's hard enough trying to uproot myself from my country. I cannot commit to someone from the Philippines and maintain a long distance relationship. So the Lord told me to wait again.

March 22, 2007 – I waited at the airport because my mom was running late. I still could not believe I was in the U.S. to start anew.

March 26, 2007 – I began at a new job as a technician (what!?). I did mostly follow up calls and basic troubleshooting.

March 30, 2007 – I joined the COH prayer meeting for the first time. There was an Easter Egg Hunt game. Lucky me, I picked up an egg that had a question in it. That meant I had to share. So I did. Other sharers were a brother who called me often, and Omeng, who was a former branch leader in another Lingkod branch.

April - June 2007 – Two interested brothers, who were complete opposites, were trying to get my attention. One I considered just as a brother. The other, I was extremely interested in.

June 6, 2007 – They both expressed their desire to court me. Soon after, I began to see the downside of the first brother. He talked to everyone about me and had to tell him to stop pursuing me. Omeng found ways to really make me feel special. At the same time, we got into a lot of talking. It was only with him that I went out with, and attended Sunday masses with.

I learned about his past, his dreams, his essentials, and how he fit right into my essentials. What is interesting is I actually tried to de-romanticize everything just so I can really be objective and find out if he is a potential partner.

During my SOL discernment, I realized that there are five things that my partner should essentially possess: he must be a man of God and can serve with me in community, he has a heart for the missions, he is able to lead me and God's children to Him, he will love and accept me and my family, and he is financially stable (to be able to provide for our future family). But I told God that chemistry, humor, and the ability to speak English correctly are my preferences. I am a woman of passion and I would want to love someone whom I will also be attracted to. I have a tendency to become melancholy so a humorous partner is a plus. I used to be a writer and trainer so I could speak English very well. Yet, I was willing to forget the preferences, for as long as I will be with the man that God prepared for me. He granted me all my essentials and two of my preferences. I thank God for the bonuses.

June 23, 2007 – I sealed our partnership with a kiss. Well, he asked for it, of course. It was the sweetest thing.

Now – I look at all that I have been through with men in my life. I just exclaim to God how grateful I am for all His blessings. He sheltered me from further disappointment. He helped me discover the partner that would be compatible with my personality and spirituality. What I went through in life with men were nothing compared to the many heartaches and disappointments of my mom, my best friend, or any of my neighbors. I just pray that the Lord will seal this partnership with His approval and blessing someday. May I always remember that before I can be a partner, I am first God's beloved daughter.