Not Smitten Enough

You serenaded me on our first meeting.
You gave me three white roses and a drink.
You impressed my friends with the finest serving.
You never left my side since then.

You once brought me breakfast and lunch at work.
You surprised me with a visit at church and Ferrero!
You gave me the most beautiful flowers I'd ever seen.
You bought a healthy sandwich for a health-conscious me.

You are one true gentleman - yes, I've noticed.
You make me feel important, loved, and needed.
You inspire me to be me, and perhaps to be a better me.
Should I believe this is the right time for us?

You assure me of faithfulness, even when I do not doubt.
You care for me like there's no tomorrow.
You have faith that can take us places.
Why can't your heart cradle mine?

Why am I not smitten with your pleasantry and style…
When it must be right? You must be right.
What else could you possibly do to win me over?
Maybe nothing, I just am not ready for love.

I Don't Have the Mind of God Yet

Whirlwind romance?

I hope not. Right now, it’s really too early to say much about how deeply I feel for him. Yes, it is strong especially because it is something new. As to how deep it is, only time will tell.

When I got into it, I was just relying merely on how I felt, how I longed for love, and how promising and so much better a man he presented himself. Most of the time we spent together can be counted over the phone whether voice or text. He has consistently been present in my life, and he is someone I can talk to and love listening to.

I know I should have discerned before I went ahead with this relationship. Neither he nor I deny the fact that we rushed into things. He is mature enough to agree with me to take a step back and discover more of each other day by day. So, while we are in this relationship, he is also taking his time. At the end of each day, we see to it that we talk about what we have learned from each other.

I discovered that…

• He works really hard. I just try to understand because I want him to do the things he loves doing.
  He gets jealous, but tries to understand. We resolved this by informing each other of our whereabouts, and letting trust operate.


• He knows how to pray, and prays such beautiful prayers with me impromptu (he also tells me what he prays to the Lord about us).


• He inspires me to pray (yesterday after our phone conversation, I really worshipped and prayed to the Lord for taking care of an area of my life when I least expected it).


• He understands what I have been through with my exes. Though we discussed that I should not go by such measures with him, he told me to take enough time that I need until I am able to love fully.


• He is "matampuhin". He asked me to be more sensitive of his feelings, while he also would loosen up. We also resolved that we should not let the sun set on any ill feelings toward each other.


• He is really sweet, and likes to assure me of his love. He sings me songs in my voicemail and sometimes before I sleep; surprises me with flowers, chocolates, breakfast and lunch at work; and he assures me of his faithfulness (telling me about how he evades women who try to get onto him i.e. one time he was at Musikahan).


• He is really serious with me and is not just into meaningless pursuits (he introduced me to his family and tells his friends and coworkers about me).


• He is a gentleman and is actually conservative (he carries heavy stuffs, opens doors, holds my hand, walks at the danger zone, and told me last Saturday to wear shorts cuz my dress during the retreat was a bit flimsy).


• He is protective of how his family may perceive me (His mom is here and wants to spend as much time with him as possible, so he said that he will do as his mom says. This way, his mom will not see me as competition).


• He is really serious with his singing (joining a contest next month, and planning to join American Idol next season!!!)


• He is lovable (he makes me feel loved, needed, beautiful, and precious. I tell myself that all these I know because God told me so. But for him to see that, and treat me as I deserve to be treated…that is what makes him different. Should I compare? Maybe I should not, especially because it is too early. But at this time, that is something added to the essentials on my list. That is something that my partner should be able to consistently exhibit during our relationship).

Did I learn from my previous mistakes?

During the retreat, I faced the Lord with the recent decision I made. With this relationship now taking place, I asked the Lord what he wanted me to do. Simply this…to offer our bodies as living sacrifices to the Lord…to let Him take center stage in our relationship…and to take things slow and make things always right before Him (things that did not transpire with my previous relationships). The Lord promises that He will bless it if we follow His commandments.

I do not want to take a messianic attitude. I do invite him to attend church activities. In time, I believe he will attend. Right now, I just know that I have loved and lost…and survived. I thought I could not love again. With the recent heartache, God is still working in me. I know I am a better person because I know that I now love myself more. I know that I should never settle because God wants the best for me. I know I should be firm with my decisions, especially ones that I make with the Lord. So now I continue to have the attitude of prayer with my new relationship. This way, God can lead me and reveal to me His will. I want to be in stride with the Lord as I walk towards my goal.

I once lost all hope in being able to love again, but I now find hope in the Lord. I know not if he has come at the right time of my life. I do not know what the Lord has in mind about us. With my decision to move on and to love him, I can hope in a limitless God…where possibilities of love can come in unexpected packages…even right after a major heartbreak…while still on the road to complete healing…and when our faith relies on a promise of a heaven where all things are in place.

Brothers and sisters, I can’t consider myself a winner yet. This is what I do: I don’t look back, I lengthen my stride, and I run straight toward the goal to win the prize that God’s heavenly call offers in Christ Jesus. - Phil 3:13-14

Idle Thoughts of Him

I see him sincere and always wanting to make me happy.
He makes me feel beautiful and precious.
Even when he’s tired, he shows me he cares.
Maybe he does want to start a new chapter with me.
Why should I not trust his offering?

He asked, "Am I not deserving?" but respects my need for time.
He said he does not play and wants us to be exclusive.
He sings me songs till he melts my heart each day.
He understands my fears for I want to decide apart from feeling.
Could this be a risk worth taking?

One night, he counted my pulse rate: normal but fast.
I know little about the field of medicine.
But I just know that he would find out…it was nerve-racking!
He introduced me to his family though it was too early for such.
I came because it meant a lot to him – to make him happy.

We share an intimacy and honesty only old friendships attain.
I can listen to his sharing…his singing…his laughter all night long.
He is part of my life now…more like a good habit.
With him, I can be both strong and vulnerable.
Even when we fall silent together, he puts me right at ease.

He reminds me of lazy afternoons at our hammock back home.
He is lemonade after life has thrown me lemons.
So with all my might I pray to God for what’s in store for us…
That with each discovery, we could accept and enjoy each other.
Perhaps we can hope for a ride of a lifetime.

Rise

The other day I found myself wondering...
It is already the month of May...
The tears are all dried up...
And the pain still comes every now and then...
But God assures me...
Just because people treat you like trash...
Doesn't define who you are...
You are my beloved daughter...
You are precious in my eyes...
I will make you soar like an eagle...
You will shine and become victorious...
Everything will be all right.

"But you will not even need to fight.
Take your positions; then stand still
and watch the Lord’s victory." - 2 Chronicles 20:17

This song captures it all...

Rise by Gabrielle

I know that it's over.
That I can't believe we're through.
They say that time's a healer.
Yeah.And I'm better without you.

It's gonna take time I know,
But I'll get over you.

Look in my life.
Look in my heart.
I have seen them fall apart.
Now I'm ready to rise again.
Just look in my hopes.
Look at my dreams building

bridges from these scenes.
Now, I'm ready to rise again.

Caught up in my thinking.
Yeah.
Like a prisoner in my mind.
You pose so many questions.
But, the truth was hard to find.

I better think twice I know
that I'll get over you.

Look in my life.
Look in my heart.
I have seen them fall apart.
Now I'm ready to rise again.
Just look in my hopes.
Look in my dreams building
bridges from these scenes.
Now, I'm ready to rise again.

Much time has passed between us.
Mmm.
Do you still think of me at all?
My world of broken promises.
Now, you won't catch me when I fall.

Look in my life.
Look in my heart.
I have seen them fall apart.
Now I'm ready to rise again.
Just look in my hopes.
Look at my dreams building
bridges from these scenes.
Now, I'm ready to rise again.

Yes, I'm gonna rise, and make it all right,
I'm going to be who I want to be, yeah baby.
Yeah. Yeah.
I'm going to make it all right.
I'm going to make it all right.

The Little Big Boy

He was fashionably late; he claimed he had an errand.
We went to PF Chang's over at The Pike.
He stated a number to the welcome party there.
To my surprise, he made prior reservations (impressive!).

We were seated at a nice booth with a cozy couch.
He asked me to order for him (I was not used to that at all).
But when we decided on our order,
He was the one who stated our order (nice!).

When the starters came,
I asked if he prayed before meals.
This was gonna make or break it.
He was either gonna accept me as me, or not.

He said he always prays before meals.
Which often caught his lunch buddies offguard.
I asked him to lead the prayer.
And he gladly said grace.

We talked about his work, family, and interests.
He is with a family of musicians, and music is his outlet.
He is very passionate about his work.
He keeps his weight down by playing basketball.

He was part of a band, where he learned how to smoke (oops!)
But he surprisingly did not light a single cigarette the whole time.
Neither did his car smell of cigar stench.
He also showed his picture with chin-length hair (no way!).

Like me, he can down a lot of beer and not get drunk.
He has been serving in the church since third grade.
He misses his brothers and mom.
He loves to cook, and prefers seafood and pork.

We walked around the bay.
He was not bringing a jacket so we dared not go far.
I came up with a three question game
I had one rule: No duplicate questions.

"What gets you excited?" (he took a long time to answer)
He finally answered sneaking out.
What one thing would you not want me to know about you?
He used to weigh 250 lbs at 5'11.5" in height.

"Would someone get hurt or angry if she found out you were out dating now?"
He had a long-distance girlfriend and they are no longer together.
He said it was hard for them both, it's been on and off since mid last year.
He said it was a mutual decision to finally end it.

He asked me "What ticks you off?"
I answered, "Guys who are so full of themselves"
"Where do you want me to kiss you tonight?"
I slapped his arm and said, "My hand." (naughty eh!?)

We watched Iron Man (he purchased tickets online!).
It was really exciting to watch with him.
He was always looking at how I reacted.
And I almost got ticklish whenever he whispered in my ear.

At his car, he played Iris from Googoo Dolls.
It's the same song he sang for me when we first met.
He asked me his 3rd question, "You know why I was late?"
"I had to go to Disney World," and handed me a giant stuffed toy.

I laughed and said, "It's been ages since I got a stuffed toy!"
The story behind: He once asked me if I liked muscled men.
I told him, "I think baby fat, huggable guys are cute.
So he said he liked Garfield, and I said I liked Winnie the Pooh.

Then he drove me home and walked me to the front door.
And he could not look me in the eye (funny little boy!)
Then I asked him, "Ask me the question again." (And he couldn't!)
I said, "Just at the cheek." And he kissed me at the cheek. (Oh sweetness!)