Can You Be a Wild Card?

You said you're sorry and you would never do it again.
You said the other woman just came on to you and you could not resist.
You said I am the one you love, not her.
You said she does not fit your essentials; I am your perfect match.
You said you would take me with you from now on.
You said you would leave her; just waiting for the perfect time to avoid a scandal.
You said God told you to choose me.

How can you ever make up for the lost time?
How can you make it work between us?
How can you make up your mind when you are together with us both?
How can you be trusted again?
How can you prove to me everyday that I am the only one?
How can you assure me without getting tired?
How can you ease the pain?

How can I live a day not wondering if you looked at her while at work?
How can I feel secure in your arms when you have fallen while you were with God?
How can I dream a future with you after the pain you have caused me?
How can I believe when all you've been doing is lying to me?
How can I love you still when all the tears have already dried up?
How can I accept you when you have been unfaithful to me more than once?
How can I forget that you once chose to hurt me even when you choose me now?

Cutting the Chain of Ungrace

A mother allowed her son to take drugs at a young age.
One day, she left her children after much physical abuse.
She went to a foreign land and made a life of her own.
Her children had questions, and yearned to be with her.
The children pushed it to their subconscious but not for long.

The youngest child was left to take care of herself.
The son continued his experimentation.
The youngest child had an opportunity to be with her mom.
The son became close to his father because he had no one else.
The youngest child did much better, the son is the weaker sex.

The son met God and turned his life around.
He left his live-in partner, and stopped using drugs.
He led a group of men and women to love the Lord.
Until he had an opportunity to be with his mom.
But a young woman from church whom he liked would not give her heart.

He finally reunited with his mom and sister and started anew.
Serving at church, he met a woman he thought would make a good wife.
But he continued to write to the young woman back home and won her heart.
Till he said to himself, "Wouldn't three be nice?"
So he pursued a third woman at work, younger than the rest.

He finally had all three women under his spell.
The one who loved him the most, he made her hope for a future.
The one he left in the Philippines, he once in a while wrote.
The one he loved the latest, he chose to live with.
The Lord put under the light all his deception.

He chose to be a victim of his past experiences.
He does not physically abuse, but the pain he inflicts is greater.
He has run out of excuses, he was just like his father.
He deserves no one among the three women, but one of them stayed.
He has not known love, the chain of ungrace remains uncut.

The one who loved him the most, he left and loved as he pleased.
The one who loved him the most, he fooled the longest.
The one who loved him the most lifts it all up to a God who is able.
The one who loved him the most is under the Lord's care.
The one who loved him the most wishes she did not love him still.

Praying My Goodbyes

For about four months, I have been deceived.
He juggled between three love affairs.
For months I tried to keep the relationship going.
I gambled on love and lost.

I negotiated with the Lord many times.
I thought to myself if I took a chance on our love,
There will no longer be room for what ifs and maybes.
I fell in love, but I also failed in it.

It is true that one knows once something isn't quite right.
I felt it but tried to understand.
I allowed him to abuse me.
I loved him too much to let go.

I faltered at my decision in ending our relationship.
He kept putting false hopes in my heart.
I accepted him despite how desolate he left me.
I prayed to God that He change him to be the man I met.

God sent me angels to pray with me.
They all said the same thing about how wrong he is for me.
And when the prayers I prayed where no longer apt.
They uttered the right prayers that I could not utter.

I prayed that I could no longer wait and hope for nothing.
I prayed "Lord, further pain may break me."
I prayed for concrete leadings and dead ends.
I prayed that he would spell for me YES or NO.

Within a week's time, God revealed to me.
The man I loved chose darkness and he was taking me with him.
God showed me two other women who were deceived like me.
The love was not worth fighting for.

Today, I could not even bring myself to grieve.
There is such joy in the morning.
God allowed me to lose everything so I could gain Him.
Forever I will sing of Your goodness, Lord!

Glorious Exits

When he said for me to wait 'cause he'll come back,
When he made me hope with I miss you's and I will see you soon,
When he kissed me again when we saw each other,
What does it mean?

When he said there was no other and he's not such a man,
When he denied that he was back at his past bad habits,
When he lied again that he could not see me because of work,
What am I to think?

When everything now tells me he loves me no more,
When my tears are dried up, and it seems he'll rejoice,
When my love for him wanes till I can make it on my own,
Why can't he just say it straight?

Is he just pulling my leg or just preserving his ego?
Why can't he just let me cry all at one time?
When is it ever kinder to break someone's heart gently?
What glory is there in exiting your loved one's life?

Hard times hit and left me crying to God in my lenten plight.
Jesus is more alive in my heart as I shared with Him this pain.
God sent loved ones to comfort and pray and guide.
Lord, with my surrender, may I have a glorious exit heaven-bound.

The Grace to Say "No More"

He was a potential partner.
He started with many love affairs: with God, with his brothers, and with me. He had such great training, was a born leader, and had everything going well for him in every area of his life. He had some four surprises for me I would never forget: two times he bought me something, and two surprise visits.

Loving him is never wrong.
Even when I began noticing the changes in him, I had to be patient, I had to be more understanding, I had to work it out with him. I loved him despite his shortcomings. I was always overwhelmed with glee when he tried to make it up to me. The love I gave away, I gave fully. For love shared is never wasted. Even though the love that is real is only one-sided. I just knew that I loved. And by that love that I chose to give, I found joy. So even when I am now hurting, I could never regret loving.

Why the change - this remains unanswered.
Slowly he drifted away from God. He changed and started a web of lies. He lost all the things that mattered to him. He became a lost soul. Suddenly, he was the only one who knew about the plan for our future. Or maybe he just didn't know what they really were. This is because he was not ready, contrary to what he made me believe. He didn't know what he wanted. He had forgotten my value. He simply saw that I loved him too much. He knows I would always forgive him.

The man he used to be is history.
Despite all my concerns, he continued to drag me down. I found no peace as months wore on. He drained what little joy was left in our relationship. He failed to make me see the promise in him which was there when we started.

A love that was lost.
He had too many plans that had to go first. I was the least of his priorities, but just was not man enough to admit it. He kept pulling my leg. He kept failing at keeping his promises. He kept hiding things from me: his schedule, his whereabouts, his doings, and his wrongdoings. He was no longer showing me his thoughtfulness, forgot about his commitments, drank too much alcohol, started to go in and out of my life as he pleased, and continued to abandon me. All the while, he pressed me to believe and to wait. Though I was always quick to love and forgive, he was quick to dismiss me. He was almost eager to do the same thing to me everytime. It was just a one-way street. It seemed he did not want to let go, and yet he was just waiting to be set free. He wanted for me to keep on believing in him, when he could not even find his own self.

Time heals all wounds.
So even when I am nursing a broken heart, I also rejoice. For in my suffering, I discovered a loving God who promises to be my strength and comfort. In the process of breaking, I discover more love willingly given by family, friends, and spiritual partners.

Prayers do move mountains.
I pray for joy that comes from God alone. I have hope in the Lord. For all things work for good for those who love the Lord and are called according to His purpose (Ro 8:28).

I pray that I will one day be fully healed, and can go back to this ordeal one day with a victorious laugh. May He never find me lacking in my singleness now, which I offer back to Him. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me (Phil 4:13).

I look back and pray for him who hurt me. I choose not to question him nor the Lord. I choose not to judge Him for God alone is perfect. The Lord, in all His mercy and faithfulness, will be with him in his own pain.

May I recover from this pain soon. May I one day find it in my heart to love again, in the best way that I was with him. May my fears be melted away, and may I find security once again in the arms of one who is worth fighting for, one who finds worth in me to fight for me. Even though I once said, "No more."

Lies, Lies, Lies

I saw the worst in me.
Learned to doubt my principles.
Believed the problem was with me.
With the stories tied together.
You had everyone under your finger.

Too many inconsistencies I let slide.
Out of my love, I was too blind.
With all the working outs,
The tears you wiped.
A creative mind you formed indeed.

You were smitten by someone else.
Or was it something else?
Fought for our love for nothing.
Even went a little crazy.
Hoping it's all worth fighting for.

Was just your second fiddle.
You told me lies, lies, lies.
A minute too long would cause more pain.
You don't know what you want.
You don't know what you got.

You lost my trust.
Even with all my love,
I cannot find faith in our future.
How could you lie to your "love"?
No more why's, just plain facts.

These are little things,
But you cannot be trusted.
You are my brother in faith.
So I took your word.
I thought I was sure with you.

You were supposed to support me.
You were supposed to add some joy.
You were supposed to respect me.
You were supposed to be honest.
You were supposed to lead our love home.

I don't know where else to turn.
I need a love that's forever.
I need a shoulder to cry on.
I need the strength to move mountains.
Lord, count my tears.

Make me whole, I beg you.
Take me back to that time.
When I knew who I was - before him.
Else claim all that's left in me.
Grant me the grace to say farewell.

Free Spirits

You started out interesting,
Thought it made things more exciting.
Boredom was not an option,
Our similarity made it possible.

Ours was a promising partnership,
Chemistry factor was undeniable.
Your love for God nailed it,
A match made in heaven it could be.

After barely months together,
You started to show little interest.
Everything else came first,
A free spirit you remained.

I myself am a free spirit,
But chose to change with commitment.
I expected reciprocation,
Yet you went your own way.

Despite the demands I aired,
I kept getting neglected.
The free spirit in you I loved,
Now raised more questions about our future.

Silenced for my impatience,
You said "Trust it will get better."
Perhaps staying meant working it out,
Forgiving meant seeing you through.

If we were to overcome this stage,
The love may last a lifetime.
If we were not,
At least my part I have done.