With All I Am

Taken from Hillsong's album For All You've Done:

Into Your hands I commit again
With all I am, for You, Lord
You hold my world In the palm of Your hand
And I am Yours forever

Jesus I believe in You
Jesus I belong to You
Youre the reason that I live
The reason that I sing
With all I am

Ill walk with You Wherever You go
Through tears and joy Ill trust in You
And I will live In all of Your ways
And Your promises, forever
I will worship I will worship You

Through It All

I just wanted to honor God through this song, Through It All, taken from Hillsong's Blessed album. Through it all, God showed me His faithfulness and victory. Thank you Lord for thirty-one faithful years.

You are forever in my life.
You see me through the seasons.
Cover me with Your hand.
And lead me in Your righteousness.

And I look to You.
And I wait on You.

I'll sing to You Lord a hymn of love
For Your faithfulness to me.
I'm carried in everlasting arms.
You'll never let me go through it all.

Hallelujah. Hallelujah.

No Longer Unknown

Now, I am given another year. I just fall at His feet, praying that He is so far pleased. I strum my guitar, and sing with all my might. Up to now, I keep trying to win His love. Then He tells me that there is nothing I could do that would make Him love me more; there is nothing I could not do that would make Him love me less. As I ponder on that, one word -- that does not encompass His magnanimity -- settles in my heart. Sovereignty.

I had no childhood to look back to. I was robbed off my innocence at the age of nine. I wanted someone to be accountable for all the wrongs done unto me. But no one could pay me. Nothing could give me the answer to my question, why. I rebelled against God because He allowed it to happen. I thought I was dirty, and did not deserve love. I just believed that I was loathsome. I felt unknown, unloved, and unprotected. Still I worked for it. I kept getting honors, medals, and success. I tried all.

When I learned to live in community, it was not acceptance that I learned. It was God’s sovereignty. It was His sovereignty that made me see that there is much more to what cruelty was done to me. It was His sovereignty that told me He cried with me while my dad’s friend violated me. It was His sovereignty that filled my room when I cried myself years and years later on as I held this secret. It was His sovereignty that taught me that I was beautiful. It was His sovereignty that opened my eyes to the fact that I am His beloved. It was His sovereignty that kept me in places where I will be with Him. It was His sovereignty that assured me…He knew.

My self-perception was corrupted. It was filled with lies. My desire to be made worthy of His love was too great. I became weary. I was after something that was right in front of me. Until He opened my eyes, and there He was fighting for me. "But you will not even need to fight. Take your positions; then stand still and watch the Lord’s victory (2 Chron 20:17)."

My God sees, knows, and guides. For though many are the plans of man, God’s will is unchanging (Prov 19:21). My life is not without purpose. My life is His, and all the wrongs have long been paid for. He blesses me with a ministry: a story of a life that was mine…and now, His. The ministry is simple. It will inspire. It will teach. It will move. It will change. It will bless. Be it now or when I join my Master, it is His will that prevails. He will make a way for me to get there. He staked a claim on me. I am no longer unknown. There it goes...The story of my life...For Him.

"I have called you by name... You are my Beloved, on you my favor rests. Wherever you go, I go with you, and wherever you rest, I keep watch. I will give you food that will satisfy all your hunger and drink that will quench all your thirst. I will not hide my face from you... I know you as my own. You belong to me... Nothing will ever separate us. We are one." - Henri Nouwen, Life of the Beloved

Favor Undeserved

Last year, I knocked at His door.

God has made me right before Him. He breathed upon me when friends did not believe. He told me to not pass judgment. His Spirit was my comfort and strength. He taught me to forgive the unforgivable. He taught me to love the unlovable. I saw that I have different needs. He drove in my heart that quest even in a new church. I met new friends. I was able to keep old and faithful friends. He taught me to simplify my life to extend blessings to my loved ones. He gave me an unexpected work promotion at a time of recession. My green card was released after only 11 months. My sister was able to join us. We moved to our new house. Now, I have my own room. I can pray without interruption.

I received an undeserved favor.

All my days, whether burdened or blessed, I will proclaim God’s greatness. For my God is able. His grace allows me to ask even when circumstances overwhelm me. I cannot even imagine how far He has gone for me. I dared not test Him. Yet, as though He wanted to prove to me His greatness, He poured out blessing after blessing upon me and those around me, while my enemies watched. But I will always remember. All I have now is undeserved, yet He gave.

Now, I still cast my cares upon the Lord.

1. That I would learn more about God’s Word.
2. For opportunities to become more involved in social action.
3. That He will not let me grow weary in praising and pleasing Him.
4. That I will not sin even when I know God is forgiving.
5. That He financially bless me more so I can help my family.
6. That my brother’s petition gets approved.
7. That we can furnish the house with nice things.
8. That I can buy my own car to become more independent.
9. To meet my inside-out handsome partner.

I dare not doubt. Because I believe He can make things happen at a snap of His fingers. He knew I was going to ask even before I asked. I ask because He finds favor in those who ask. The blessing He has already prepared to send my way. I hold tight in the Lord, for He knows everything.

Ecclesiastes 3: 1-15

There is an appointed time for everything, and a time for every affair under the heavens. A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to uproot the plant. A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to tear down, and a time to build. A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance. A time to scatter stones, and a time to gather them; a time to embrace, and a time to be far from embraces. A time to seek, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away. A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to be silent, and a time to speak. A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.

What advantage has the worker from his toil? I have considered the task which God has appointed for men to be busied about. He has made everything appropriate to its time, and has put the timeless into their hearts, without men's ever discovering, from beginning to end, the work which God has done.

I recognized that there is nothing better than to be glad and to do well during life. For every man, moreover, to eat and drink and enjoy the fruit of all his labor is a gift of God. I recognized that whatever God does will endure forever; there is no adding to it, or taking from it. Thus has God done that he may be revered.

The Gift of Singleness

"A single woman missionary writes, ‘I've never dated anyone. Is it realistic for a woman to desire confirmation of her femininity at one point in her life?’…I would answer yes, it's realistic, it's natural, it's not wrong. A real woman's desire is to be a real woman, and a man's love helps to confirm that. But human desire is to be brought under the lordship of Christ for fulfillment according to His wisdom and choosing. (See Psalm 10:17; 37:4; 38:9; 145:19.)" – Elisabeth Elliot

Much like that missionary, I would see a couple in one of the church pews holding hands or giving each other a kiss of peace…and I’d be like, "God, please shield my eyes so I don’t get too distracted (or envious!). In fact, the kind of "knight-in-shining-armor-fairy-tale" a girl could be dreaming of has been lowered to simply having-a-good-man-stand-by-your-side-without-having-to-do-anything-special. To be affirmed is perhaps the greatest language of love for every marriageable-aged woman.

Of course with faith the size of a mustard seed, I just shrug off such thoughts. I realize that when I pray, I'm not the least bit worried to have a partner. I just know that God will make it happen. It doesn’t mean that He will make a man fall onto my lap. But I believe that He will surprise me with a good man – good by His standards and not by mine.

I talked to a brother who shared about his desire for a ‘single blessedness’ state of life. Automatically, I encouraged him to read 1 Corinthians chapter 7. That conversation drew me back to my own decision. It made me open my bible to the same verses. As though reading it for the first time, six verses seemed to come right out of the book…emphasizing what I must do at my current state:

• "Now to the unmarried…I say: it is a good thing for them to remain as they are, as I do, but if they cannot exercise self-control they should marry, for it is better to marry than to be on fire."(v. 8-9)
  
• "Only, everyone should live as the Lord has assigned, just as God called each one." (v.17)
  
• "Everyone should remain in the state in which he was called." (v.20)
  
• "So this is what I think best because of the present distress: that it is a good thing for a person to remain as he is." (v.26)
  
• "So then, the one who marries his virgin does well; the one who does not marry her will do better."(v.38)
  
• "She is more blessed, though, in my opinion, if she remains as she is, and I think that I too have the Spirit of God."(v. 40)

This Christmas, I thought about the perfect gift I can give to the birthday celebrant. What could I possibly have that would make Jesus grin from ear to ear? Off the top of my head, I say, “Uhhh…nothing!” But rethinking about all the blessings I have received, there must be something that God wants out of me for Him to keep me alive and kicking.

And then it dawned on me. I can offer me. How many times has He heard this? In my blog alone, I think half of the entries have a theme of self-offering. But what is distinct about my life now is I am single. And what better way to thank God for the gift than to give it back to the Giver. I thank God for the privilege to serve him in the state that I have now; a state where:

• There’s little to change.
  
• Worries are at a minimum.
  
• Righteousness is not an afterthought.
  
• What is essential is the focus.
  
• God has me at His disposal.

My singleness may not be the end, but it is not by chance. I am single in this universe full of the same, but my realization comes with a challenge. What is essential for a single woman? "An unmarried man is anxious about the things of the Lord, how he may please the Lord." (v. 32)

All my heart goes out to you this day and always, my Lord, Jesus. Happy Birthday!

I Am Not Home Yet

I found out a couple of weeks ago that I am scheduled to do my finger printing for my green card application on 12/17/08. So that is supposed to be exciting news.

Well, there's another side to this story. As you all know, I am on a student visa, so I am required to go to school. Yesterday, I found out that the last day of school registration is 1/12/09. That will be another $3500 for me if my work authorization is not out by then. About the same amount of money is what I need to pay my lawyer once the green card, travel parole, and work authorization come out. My lawyer said that the latest that my work authorization would come out is February. This means that my work authorization needs to come out before 1/12/09.

I hit the end of the road again where God presented me with two choices: to surrender or to worry. Guess what I chose. I feel like I am racing against time -- wanting to save enough to be able to get home to my ailing father, wishing that I can zero out the family debts, and looking to please God with a yes to "whatever next steps" He has for me. I have a lot of "tangible needs" of which I have chosen to deprive myself, if only to help my family. As money continues to go out for schooling, my desire to spend time with my father gets pushed back as well. At the same time, I want to get the family debts out of the way before I start discerning for God's next steps for me (if it is in the mission field or any other service).

It could not possibly get any more personal than this. It is almost too painful to imagine, that I might have to endure more sacrifices if I have to continue on a student visa. I do look at sacrifices as part of pruning, and I find comfort in the fact that I get to share this experience with the Lord who made the greatest sacrifice of all. It gives me joy to know that my family is able to make ends meet with my help. There is no greater joy than knowing that God finds favor in me, so I may extend that favor to my family. Through this, I learned discipline when it came to spending, and I learned to find joy in choosing to live a simple lifestyle.

My best friend and I always talk about our desire to be in heaven. When I lose my focus, I immerse my thoughts with Revelations 4, closing my eyes even in order to visualize and hear that moment. The thought of heaven does not give me a form of escape. But it tells me that I am not home yet. Somehow I realized that these distractions are the enemy's feeble attempts to make me feel lonely, poor, and doubtful (my purposes in going here seem futile, I can't seem to bear fruit, etc). I am not rich, but I told God that I am rich with friends who can help me plead my case before Him. May the Lord grant me peace of mind, even when the stars do not seem aligned with the USCIS calendar."

Peace I leave with you; I do not give to you as the world gives."- Jn 14:27

A Life Consecrated

Yesterday, I was supposed to attend a Filipino mass at St. Lucy Catholic Church in Long Beach. I sensed that God is leading me to respond to His call to evangelism, and this is perhaps the first of many things I hope to offer to the Lord.

The celebrant was already 30 minutes late, but he did not send word why he was absent. The attendees were getting restless. With whispers that there was no priest available, some families opted to leave and catch the next mass in another church. The mass servants went to the seminary beside the church, and found two potential replacements. The first one brushed the servants aside with this statement: "I do not want to meddle in that affair." As for the second priest, the servants were told that father was having his afternoon siesta and could not be disturbed.

I looked around the chapel, and saw the faces of God's sheep - wondering, spiritually hungry, and lost. For a moment, I could not believe that I was so affected by this situation. The mass servants resorted to ask a Filipino deacon, who gladly accepted to perform a prayer service. He was neither in the position to celebrate the Holy Mass, nor perform the consecration. Instead, the mass servants gathered the leftover hosts from the morning mass. The Lord somehow made me feel uncomfortable with these words:

"Chastised a little, they shall be greatly blessed, because God tried them and found them worthy of himself. As gold in the furnace, he proved them, and as sacrificial offerings he took them to himself. In the time of their visitation they shall shine, and shall dart about as sparks through stubble; They shall judge nations and rule over peoples, and the LORD shall be their King forever. Those who trust in him shall understand truth, and the faithful shall abide with him in love." – Ws 6:5-9

As I lined up to partake of the body of Christ, I felt the Holy Spirit tugging at my heart:

• These are God's people intending to partake of the meal that Christ offered. God will bless them equally as when an actual priest stood before them.
• God was confirming His message through Tito Tony during his evangelization talk: there is an alarming decrease in the number of surviving Catholic priests, and those being ordained annually.
• The church's eyes were opened to the possibility that there will come a time when a priest will have to serve as a parish priest to several parishes, and that some parishes will not be catered to, just because there aren't enough priests.
• Someone has to stand up to gather His flock and lead them to the Lord.
• There was no consecration during the service, but I sincerely offered myself before the Lord.
• The focus is not on the priests whether they were too tired or were simply unavailable to serve. The focus should be on the role of the church for we comprise the body of Christ.
• Whatever state of life decision I made, God assures me that He will still make it happen despite the big task ahead because nothing is impossible with Him.

Yesterday, each St. Lucy partaker received a 1/8th piece of the host. But, as for me, God placed a big chunk of compassion in my heart. It loomed over me that I could not bring myself to pray about it. I felt that I was not ready. I got scared because I still had responsibility at home, and way so much more responsibility at hand if I said yes to His call. Yet, when I return to God, remembering the words of the song "While We Still Breathe", I could only utter this prayer: "Lord, let your will be done."