The Gift of Singleness

"A single woman missionary writes, ‘I've never dated anyone. Is it realistic for a woman to desire confirmation of her femininity at one point in her life?’…I would answer yes, it's realistic, it's natural, it's not wrong. A real woman's desire is to be a real woman, and a man's love helps to confirm that. But human desire is to be brought under the lordship of Christ for fulfillment according to His wisdom and choosing. (See Psalm 10:17; 37:4; 38:9; 145:19.)" – Elisabeth Elliot

Much like that missionary, I would see a couple in one of the church pews holding hands or giving each other a kiss of peace…and I’d be like, "God, please shield my eyes so I don’t get too distracted (or envious!). In fact, the kind of "knight-in-shining-armor-fairy-tale" a girl could be dreaming of has been lowered to simply having-a-good-man-stand-by-your-side-without-having-to-do-anything-special. To be affirmed is perhaps the greatest language of love for every marriageable-aged woman.

Of course with faith the size of a mustard seed, I just shrug off such thoughts. I realize that when I pray, I'm not the least bit worried to have a partner. I just know that God will make it happen. It doesn’t mean that He will make a man fall onto my lap. But I believe that He will surprise me with a good man – good by His standards and not by mine.

I talked to a brother who shared about his desire for a ‘single blessedness’ state of life. Automatically, I encouraged him to read 1 Corinthians chapter 7. That conversation drew me back to my own decision. It made me open my bible to the same verses. As though reading it for the first time, six verses seemed to come right out of the book…emphasizing what I must do at my current state:

• "Now to the unmarried…I say: it is a good thing for them to remain as they are, as I do, but if they cannot exercise self-control they should marry, for it is better to marry than to be on fire."(v. 8-9)
  
• "Only, everyone should live as the Lord has assigned, just as God called each one." (v.17)
  
• "Everyone should remain in the state in which he was called." (v.20)
  
• "So this is what I think best because of the present distress: that it is a good thing for a person to remain as he is." (v.26)
  
• "So then, the one who marries his virgin does well; the one who does not marry her will do better."(v.38)
  
• "She is more blessed, though, in my opinion, if she remains as she is, and I think that I too have the Spirit of God."(v. 40)

This Christmas, I thought about the perfect gift I can give to the birthday celebrant. What could I possibly have that would make Jesus grin from ear to ear? Off the top of my head, I say, “Uhhh…nothing!” But rethinking about all the blessings I have received, there must be something that God wants out of me for Him to keep me alive and kicking.

And then it dawned on me. I can offer me. How many times has He heard this? In my blog alone, I think half of the entries have a theme of self-offering. But what is distinct about my life now is I am single. And what better way to thank God for the gift than to give it back to the Giver. I thank God for the privilege to serve him in the state that I have now; a state where:

• There’s little to change.
  
• Worries are at a minimum.
  
• Righteousness is not an afterthought.
  
• What is essential is the focus.
  
• God has me at His disposal.

My singleness may not be the end, but it is not by chance. I am single in this universe full of the same, but my realization comes with a challenge. What is essential for a single woman? "An unmarried man is anxious about the things of the Lord, how he may please the Lord." (v. 32)

All my heart goes out to you this day and always, my Lord, Jesus. Happy Birthday!

I Am Not Home Yet

I found out a couple of weeks ago that I am scheduled to do my finger printing for my green card application on 12/17/08. So that is supposed to be exciting news.

Well, there's another side to this story. As you all know, I am on a student visa, so I am required to go to school. Yesterday, I found out that the last day of school registration is 1/12/09. That will be another $3500 for me if my work authorization is not out by then. About the same amount of money is what I need to pay my lawyer once the green card, travel parole, and work authorization come out. My lawyer said that the latest that my work authorization would come out is February. This means that my work authorization needs to come out before 1/12/09.

I hit the end of the road again where God presented me with two choices: to surrender or to worry. Guess what I chose. I feel like I am racing against time -- wanting to save enough to be able to get home to my ailing father, wishing that I can zero out the family debts, and looking to please God with a yes to "whatever next steps" He has for me. I have a lot of "tangible needs" of which I have chosen to deprive myself, if only to help my family. As money continues to go out for schooling, my desire to spend time with my father gets pushed back as well. At the same time, I want to get the family debts out of the way before I start discerning for God's next steps for me (if it is in the mission field or any other service).

It could not possibly get any more personal than this. It is almost too painful to imagine, that I might have to endure more sacrifices if I have to continue on a student visa. I do look at sacrifices as part of pruning, and I find comfort in the fact that I get to share this experience with the Lord who made the greatest sacrifice of all. It gives me joy to know that my family is able to make ends meet with my help. There is no greater joy than knowing that God finds favor in me, so I may extend that favor to my family. Through this, I learned discipline when it came to spending, and I learned to find joy in choosing to live a simple lifestyle.

My best friend and I always talk about our desire to be in heaven. When I lose my focus, I immerse my thoughts with Revelations 4, closing my eyes even in order to visualize and hear that moment. The thought of heaven does not give me a form of escape. But it tells me that I am not home yet. Somehow I realized that these distractions are the enemy's feeble attempts to make me feel lonely, poor, and doubtful (my purposes in going here seem futile, I can't seem to bear fruit, etc). I am not rich, but I told God that I am rich with friends who can help me plead my case before Him. May the Lord grant me peace of mind, even when the stars do not seem aligned with the USCIS calendar."

Peace I leave with you; I do not give to you as the world gives."- Jn 14:27