Trusting God’s No

My mom raised me to be independent, even when I was young.
I was always very active in sports, training after school hours.
My first time away from home was when I was 12 years old due to a tournament.
I enrolled myself in self-defense classes, swimming lessons, and fitness programs.
I developed and followed my own exercise routine till now.

Naturally, I became a person who always insisted on what I wanted.
I was not the type to back down on any argument.
Whenever someone opposed my two cents, I would be on the defensive.
The corporate world also taught me how to get the buy-in of management.
This in turn enabled me to influence employees’ stand on certain issues.

I prayed that the Lord grant me a visa to travel to the US, and got one.
I prayed that I get a new car after college graduation, and my mom gave me one.
I prayed that I pass an exam or deliver a presentation well, and did.
For a while, I became confident of my enhanced skill.
I seemed to get what I want when I prayed for it, or even when I didn’t.

Until one time that I sincerely prayed for my potential partner in life.
He did to me all things that would make me despise him.
All my family and friends told me to not take him back, but I did.
The Lord revealed to me that he was not the man he wanted for me.
But even when God set up roadblocks, I insisted on my own will.

Waiting was not an option, it meant suffering - else, it meant defeat.
I told myself, "Bargain with the Lord so He could change the man you loved."
Yet God told me that He has given us the free will to allow Him inside or not.
And that if I trusted in His great plan for me, then I can someday thank Him for His no.
It was an answered prayer all the same, just packaged differently.

God is still working on answering my prayer for that potential partner.
What is important is I glorify Him in the suffering, and allow Him to heal me.
I no longer walk in the shadow of my past achievements and defeats.
God has emptied me that I may be confident instead on what He can do for me.
So I am filled with joy knowing that God has a promise waiting to be fulfilled.

"Our troubles are slight and short-lived, and their outcome an eternal glory
which outweighs them far. Meanwhile our eyes are fixed,
not on the things that are seen, but on the things that are unseen." (2 Cor 4:17, 18 NEB).

Making Music Together

We played the guitar together, putting joy to my heart.
He struggled to sing me his composition.
To me, it was perfect because he gave his best.
I loved watching him play while I did the singing.
He listened to a song once and knew how to play it.

We praised God in church through our music.
We served the church with our music.
He led in playing every song, I simply followed.
I had a different style, but his sounded better.
Through it, I learned how to support and submit.

Humility was never an issue for me.
He subjected me to torture with his infidelity.
I accepted him believing it was momentary.
He said I fit into his essentials, and I was his love.
But he was confused and continued juggling.

I told him I loved him despite the wrong he did me.
He asked for forgiveness, but he continued to err.
He asked for time to let the other go at his convenience,
He soon made me see, he no longer loved me.
The music we played together was going out of sync.

In sorrow, I prayed again to God for strength.
Why settle when God had someone better in mind?
With this prayer came another revelation,
I found proof that he was still in darkness.
The music faded. But all will soon be well.

Can You Be a Wild Card?

You said you're sorry and you would never do it again.
You said the other woman just came on to you and you could not resist.
You said I am the one you love, not her.
You said she does not fit your essentials; I am your perfect match.
You said you would take me with you from now on.
You said you would leave her; just waiting for the perfect time to avoid a scandal.
You said God told you to choose me.

How can you ever make up for the lost time?
How can you make it work between us?
How can you make up your mind when you are together with us both?
How can you be trusted again?
How can you prove to me everyday that I am the only one?
How can you assure me without getting tired?
How can you ease the pain?

How can I live a day not wondering if you looked at her while at work?
How can I feel secure in your arms when you have fallen while you were with God?
How can I dream a future with you after the pain you have caused me?
How can I believe when all you've been doing is lying to me?
How can I love you still when all the tears have already dried up?
How can I accept you when you have been unfaithful to me more than once?
How can I forget that you once chose to hurt me even when you choose me now?

Cutting the Chain of Ungrace

A mother allowed her son to take drugs at a young age.
One day, she left her children after much physical abuse.
She went to a foreign land and made a life of her own.
Her children had questions, and yearned to be with her.
The children pushed it to their subconscious but not for long.

The youngest child was left to take care of herself.
The son continued his experimentation.
The youngest child had an opportunity to be with her mom.
The son became close to his father because he had no one else.
The youngest child did much better, the son is the weaker sex.

The son met God and turned his life around.
He left his live-in partner, and stopped using drugs.
He led a group of men and women to love the Lord.
Until he had an opportunity to be with his mom.
But a young woman from church whom he liked would not give her heart.

He finally reunited with his mom and sister and started anew.
Serving at church, he met a woman he thought would make a good wife.
But he continued to write to the young woman back home and won her heart.
Till he said to himself, "Wouldn't three be nice?"
So he pursued a third woman at work, younger than the rest.

He finally had all three women under his spell.
The one who loved him the most, he made her hope for a future.
The one he left in the Philippines, he once in a while wrote.
The one he loved the latest, he chose to live with.
The Lord put under the light all his deception.

He chose to be a victim of his past experiences.
He does not physically abuse, but the pain he inflicts is greater.
He has run out of excuses, he was just like his father.
He deserves no one among the three women, but one of them stayed.
He has not known love, the chain of ungrace remains uncut.

The one who loved him the most, he left and loved as he pleased.
The one who loved him the most, he fooled the longest.
The one who loved him the most lifts it all up to a God who is able.
The one who loved him the most is under the Lord's care.
The one who loved him the most wishes she did not love him still.

Praying My Goodbyes

For about four months, I have been deceived.
He juggled between three love affairs.
For months I tried to keep the relationship going.
I gambled on love and lost.

I negotiated with the Lord many times.
I thought to myself if I took a chance on our love,
There will no longer be room for what ifs and maybes.
I fell in love, but I also failed in it.

It is true that one knows once something isn't quite right.
I felt it but tried to understand.
I allowed him to abuse me.
I loved him too much to let go.

I faltered at my decision in ending our relationship.
He kept putting false hopes in my heart.
I accepted him despite how desolate he left me.
I prayed to God that He change him to be the man I met.

God sent me angels to pray with me.
They all said the same thing about how wrong he is for me.
And when the prayers I prayed where no longer apt.
They uttered the right prayers that I could not utter.

I prayed that I could no longer wait and hope for nothing.
I prayed "Lord, further pain may break me."
I prayed for concrete leadings and dead ends.
I prayed that he would spell for me YES or NO.

Within a week's time, God revealed to me.
The man I loved chose darkness and he was taking me with him.
God showed me two other women who were deceived like me.
The love was not worth fighting for.

Today, I could not even bring myself to grieve.
There is such joy in the morning.
God allowed me to lose everything so I could gain Him.
Forever I will sing of Your goodness, Lord!