The Overcome Inspiration

I am inspired. I heard this song entitled Overcome. But a song is just a pointless melody if it is without a story: Overcome Song Story. The video of the song: Overcome.

Sing to the Lord. The New Life church saw that God is real despite the many tragedies that happened to them. Whether in stormy waters, spiritual drought, or joyful moments, we can sing our own beautiful anthems to the Lord.

God is near. I ponder on these words and see that the word come is associated with drawing near to, or coming into contact with someone. God sent many prophet – and even showed Himself to some of them – so as to speak to His people. God saw that that wasn’t enough, so He sent a Son named Emmanuel, which meant God is with us.

He overcame. He did not just come…He overcame. What do I know in the last 10 years that keep me coming back to God in prayer or in service? That I am made right before Him through the blood of His Son. With this knowledge, the only appropriate response is to say yes to Him whatever the cost, to do right despite the worldly ways that tempt me, and to persevere moreso if it reaches to a point of desperation - where everything around me compels me to believe that He has forsaken me.

I've come into full circle. Many say that to follow the Lord, one needs to turn 180 degrees. I have my own interpretation of the life that I now lead. It is coming to terms with everything around me and me personally changing how I deal with these things. I may go 180 degrees but a bend in the road may get me back to the same circumstances that tell me to just go with the flow. So I think I have come into full circle. There is nothing in this world that can change who God is, who I am to Him, and who He is to me.

It is done. I delight in the same God who has given us His breath, His promise, and His character…the Holy Spirit. With His power, what can we not overcome? If God is the Alpha (and He is), then we know how this will end (He still is).

Title: Overcome/Author: Jon Egan/Artist: Desperation Band

Seated above, enthroned in the Father's love. Destined to die, poured out for all mankind. God's only son perfect and spotless one. He never sinned, but suffered as if he did.

All authority, every victory is Yours. All authority, every victory is Yours.

Savior, worthy of honor and glory, worthy of all our praise, You overcame. Jesus, awesome in power forever, awesome and great is Your name, You overcame.

Power in hand speaking the Father's plan. You're sending us out, light in this broken land.

We will overcome by the blood of the Lamb. And the word of our testimony, everyone overcome.

This is my story. This is my song. Praising my Savior. All the day long.

No Longer Unknown

Now, I am given another year. I just fall at His feet, praying that He is so far pleased. I strum my guitar, and sing with all my might. Up to now, I keep trying to win His love. Then He tells me that there is nothing I could do that would make Him love me more; there is nothing I could not do that would make Him love me less. As I ponder on that, one word -- that does not encompass His magnanimity -- settles in my heart. Sovereignty.

I had no childhood to look back to. I was robbed off my innocence at the age of nine. I wanted someone to be accountable for all the wrongs done unto me. But no one could pay me. Nothing could give me the answer to my question, why. I rebelled against God because He allowed it to happen. I thought I was dirty, and did not deserve love. I just believed that I was loathsome. I felt unknown, unloved, and unprotected. Still I worked for it. I kept getting honors, medals, and success. I tried all.

When I learned to live in community, it was not acceptance that I learned. It was God’s sovereignty. It was His sovereignty that made me see that there is much more to what cruelty was done to me. It was His sovereignty that told me He cried with me while my dad’s friend violated me. It was His sovereignty that filled my room when I cried myself years and years later on as I held this secret. It was His sovereignty that taught me that I was beautiful. It was His sovereignty that opened my eyes to the fact that I am His beloved. It was His sovereignty that kept me in places where I will be with Him. It was His sovereignty that assured me…He knew.

My self-perception was corrupted. It was filled with lies. My desire to be made worthy of His love was too great. I became weary. I was after something that was right in front of me. Until He opened my eyes, and there He was fighting for me. "But you will not even need to fight. Take your positions; then stand still and watch the Lord’s victory (2 Chron 20:17)."

My God sees, knows, and guides. For though many are the plans of man, God’s will is unchanging (Prov 19:21). My life is not without purpose. My life is His, and all the wrongs have long been paid for. He blesses me with a ministry: a story of a life that was mine…and now, His. The ministry is simple. It will inspire. It will teach. It will move. It will change. It will bless. Be it now or when I join my Master, it is His will that prevails. He will make a way for me to get there. He staked a claim on me. I am no longer unknown. There it goes...The story of my life...For Him.

"I have called you by name... You are my Beloved, on you my favor rests. Wherever you go, I go with you, and wherever you rest, I keep watch. I will give you food that will satisfy all your hunger and drink that will quench all your thirst. I will not hide my face from you... I know you as my own. You belong to me... Nothing will ever separate us. We are one." - Henri Nouwen, Life of the Beloved

Favor Undeserved

Last year, I knocked at His door.

God has made me right before Him. He breathed upon me when friends did not believe. He told me to not pass judgment. His Spirit was my comfort and strength. He taught me to forgive the unforgivable. He taught me to love the unlovable. I saw that I have different needs. He drove in my heart that quest even in a new church. I met new friends. I was able to keep old and faithful friends. He taught me to simplify my life to extend blessings to my loved ones. He gave me an unexpected work promotion at a time of recession. My green card was released after only 11 months. My sister was able to join us. We moved to our new house. Now, I have my own room. I can pray without interruption.

I received an undeserved favor.

All my days, whether burdened or blessed, I will proclaim God’s greatness. For my God is able. His grace allows me to ask even when circumstances overwhelm me. I cannot even imagine how far He has gone for me. I dared not test Him. Yet, as though He wanted to prove to me His greatness, He poured out blessing after blessing upon me and those around me, while my enemies watched. But I will always remember. All I have now is undeserved, yet He gave.

Now, I still cast my cares upon the Lord.

1. That I would learn more about God’s Word.
2. For opportunities to become more involved in social action.
3. That He will not let me grow weary in praising and pleasing Him.
4. That I will not sin even when I know God is forgiving.
5. That He financially bless me more so I can help my family.
6. That my brother’s petition gets approved.
7. That we can furnish the house with nice things.
8. That I can buy my own car to become more independent.
9. To meet my inside-out handsome partner.

I dare not doubt. Because I believe He can make things happen at a snap of His fingers. He knew I was going to ask even before I asked. I ask because He finds favor in those who ask. The blessing He has already prepared to send my way. I hold tight in the Lord, for He knows everything.

Ecclesiastes 3: 1-15

There is an appointed time for everything, and a time for every affair under the heavens. A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to uproot the plant. A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to tear down, and a time to build. A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance. A time to scatter stones, and a time to gather them; a time to embrace, and a time to be far from embraces. A time to seek, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away. A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to be silent, and a time to speak. A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.

What advantage has the worker from his toil? I have considered the task which God has appointed for men to be busied about. He has made everything appropriate to its time, and has put the timeless into their hearts, without men's ever discovering, from beginning to end, the work which God has done.

I recognized that there is nothing better than to be glad and to do well during life. For every man, moreover, to eat and drink and enjoy the fruit of all his labor is a gift of God. I recognized that whatever God does will endure forever; there is no adding to it, or taking from it. Thus has God done that he may be revered.

Un-prodigal Me

I am moved by this article. It talks about how God can make something good out of painful situations. It talks about the feeling of unworthiness when we have sinned.

Yesterday, I studied the Parable of the Prodigal Son. Popularly known for the love of a (prodigal) father, I picked up the lesson on the attitudes of the two brothers. Much as I realize that I am redeemed and now bask in the Lord's untiring love for me, the barely healed hurts in my heart cloud my perception of God's encompassing love and mercy. I am guilty of wondering what good can turn out of the people who have done me evil and pain. If at all, perhaps the experiences have allowed me to see that God is my comforter, that I can help others in the same situation, and that I am tougher than before. But as to how loving God should be to those who did such evil, I could not fathom. My mind tells me not to even pray for them, after all they have done.

I have become like the older brother in the parable. I come to God and tell Him, "Lord, show them who You are...that all things work for good for those who love You (Ro 8:28)." But the following article tells me that everything that happens is part of God's plan. It is not right for me to put Him in a box. That God is merciful and generous to all His children, and that none of us deserves more than the other. To be blessed at all is supposed to make me grateful. That just because I am now walking in the light does not mean that God should bless me more. That just because another sinner did more or did worse does not mean that God should spare him less than He spared me. God can still transform anyone who comes to Him with a repentant heart. Forgive me, Lord, for I have sinned.

Transforming Power by Elisabeth Elliot

If God is almighty, there can be no evil so great as to be beyond His power to transform. That transforming power brings light out of darkness, joy out of sorrow, gain out of loss, life out of death.

Sometimes we boggle at the evil in the world and especially in ourselves, feeling that this sin, this tragedy, this offense cannot possibly fit into a pattern for good. Let us remember Joseph's imprisonment, David's sin, Paul's violent persecution of Christians, Peter's denial of his Master. None of it was beyond the power of grace to redeem and turn into something productive. The God who establishes the shoreline for the sea also decides the limits of the great mystery which is evil. He is "the Blessed Controller of all things." God will finally be God, Satan's best efforts notwithstanding.

"Because it’s the only way to grow spiritually and be emotionally healthy. The Bible says, 'Make this your common practice: Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you can live together whole and healed.'" - James 5:16

My Understanding of Commitment

Last night, I thought about what I learned in community.
How different life in the Spirit is from the secular world.
Where radicalism is worthy when Christ is the cause.
It is more of a personal discovery as to the purpose for ‘being’.

Commitment taught me to serve even when I had no strength.
Commitment taught me to give when all I have left is little.
Commitment taught me to love and forgive the unlovable.
Commitment taught me about being in a safe environment.

I thought about the kind of service that my mentor showed.
She led by example going out of her comfort zone – way out.
I was blessed with transportation, money, and a source of living.
And I realized what I had belonged to the community.

I traveled to pick up and bring home my sisters foremost.
I traveled without counting the distance.
God is generous to me so His people may see Him generous.
I put it upon myself to ensure my brethren were home safe.

I even remember taking a brother home to a faraway town.
His father was killed and news about slaying was rampant.
His barrio was known as a rebel’s camp, so public transit ended at 9pm.
I took him home with rosary in hand and Psalm 91 on my lips.

We had a way of life where we gathered nine times a month.
Four Fridays was for prayer meetings, four weekdays for small groups.
One Sunday for social action – not counting service-related meetings.
The servant-leaders had to meet their members separately.

In all those times, we took care of our brethren.
We were happy to be with those who traveled far.
I had a share of being on the receiving end here in the U.S.
But humility is godly, self-pity the enemy’s priority.

When I asked a brother to take me home because I had no ride.
He turned me down and it rang in my ears for a while.
There is another brother who would drop everything
He would say, “That’s service”; more so to make sure I was home safe.

More than an ordinary friendship, community is a privilege.
It is where meaningful relationships are built.
In it, God entrusted me to my brethren.
God instructed me to commit first to my brethren.

I held a sister in high regard because she was a committed member.
So I asked her about a Gentile friend we were evangelizing who disappeared.
She denied knowing, yet believed in lies spurn out of bitterness.
She thought it was a pastoral concern and saw the need for intervention.

We have a different understanding of teachings in community.
The secular world teaches us to respond in apathy and indifference.
My commitment is simple: it knows no bounds, it protects, it guides.
It says, “I am not my own; I must forgive; I must honor and respect.”

They devoted themselves to the teaching of the apostles and to the communal life, to the breaking of the bread and to the prayers. Awe came upon everyone, and many wonders and signs were done through the apostles. All who believed were together and had all things in common; they would sell their property and possessions and divide them among all according to each one's need. Every day they devoted themselves to meeting together in the temple area and to breaking bread in their homes. They ate their meals with exultation and sincerity of heart, praising God and enjoying favor with all the people. And every day the Lord added to their number those who were being saved. – Acts 2:42-47

I Go for Depth

He was an entrepreneur as are most Chinoys in Pinas.
But he paid off many people for his business to survive.
He said he sees no point in pursuing his career here.
He’s better off in the Philippines where he could move freely.
I told him that he can be honest and earn just enough to survive.

He said he believes his mom’s "vibes" on people.
He believes in Feng Shui and could make good business out of it.
He said he no longer believed in marriages.
Just because his brothers did not do so well in that area.
Of course, that is just an addition to his traumatic experiences.

I listened, but I tried mostly to wake him up.
Surely, God must have sent him here because that kind of life was futile.
He must simply allow God more room in his life.
That if he went back to bribery and going with the flow,
He probably has not learned anything at all.

As if to highlight our discussion, during the mass we attended,
The reading talked about non-conformity to the worldly ways.
I do not see him victorious in his plight.
Although he could live to inspire with his story,
He chooses to go back to his old life.

That was the last I heard of him.
I have long seen that friendship's all there is to it.
But now even friendship seems out of the equation.
I tell you, it is really difficult to become a disciple.
Yet, as a discip le, it is much more difficult to fish for more.

Jesus said to him, "If you wish to be perfect, go, sell what you have and give to (the) poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me.” When the young man heard this statement, he went away sad, for he had many possessions. Then Jesus said to his disciples, "Amen, I say to you, it will be hard for one who is rich to enter the kingdom of heaven. – Mt 18: 21-23

"To anyone who has, more will be given and he will grow rich; from anyone who has not, even what he has will be taken away...But the seed sown on rich soil is the one who hears the word and understands it, who indeed bears fruit and yields a hundred or sixty or thirtyfold...Whoever has ears ought to hear." – Mt 13

"Sometimes I sympathize with the author of Psalm 119--"Gusts of anger seize me as I think of evil men who forsake Thy law"--and wish I could force people to accept what I see as truth. Jesus did not force them. "With many such parables He would give them His message, so far as they were able to receive it" (Mk 4:33 NEB). There may be some who are willing but not able to receive, others able but not willing. Only God can be sure who's who. We are to be faithful in transmitting the message and willing to respect the hearer. If God grants him freedom of will to receive or reject, so must I. If he is as yet unable to receive it, I must entrust him to God, remembering the narrow limits of my own understanding as well." - Excerpt from Able to Receive by Elisabeth Elliot

Thirty Years in the Making

This is long overdue. It was supposed to be my birthday blog entry, thus the title. I also played the acoustic background music (and guess who sang in it!) in the 2nd slide entitled "Why Present?". I still have two of the slide's timing off and the volume can get a bit low in some slides. But I may not find time to edit this. As it is, I already used multiple softwares to create/edit the sound and the video. Also, I only used an unregistered software for the PPS to WMV conversion (unless you could recommend a different software). Dami ko pa sinabe noh? Enjoy!

PART 1 OF 3:


PART 2 OF 3:


PART 3 OF 3:

More than Conquerors

I think I had fun – one I haven’t had in a long time.
The Saturday we met was quite unplanned.
He said he likes surprises, contrary to the planner in me.
He joked that he was in a pink car, while I searched around the full parking lot.
As I approached a red car that was obviously his, he faked a panic.
And asked over the line, "Is that you, the beautiful girl walking my way?"
He made me grin up to my ears, and I knew that he knew all about fun.

The conversations we had lasted for about six hours.
He had a lot of things to say about anything.
I learned he was the youngest, half-Chinese, and loved to cook.
He knew how to speak Chinese, loved to work out, and had an adopted sister.
As usual, the planner in me just imagined a meeting over coffee or dinner.
I told myself, "Just plain talk, nothing serious or heavy."
But I was completely unaware of how meaningful it was becoming.

I almost choked as he told me his story here in this foreign land.
After 13 years together and being cheated on once, he was willing to work it out
When she moved to the U.S. on their 9th year, he took odd jobs to visit his love here.
Until he finally decided to leave everything behind to marry her.
Unfortunately, he found out that his love is cheating on him once more.
So he detached himself from everyone he loved, to find himself again.
I almost hugged him to tell him that he had such a beautiful story to tell.

After two years, he is out on a first date with me.
That this is his excuse for any mess he is making.
He expressed his yearning for his family, to make up for lost time with his parents.
He longed for his friends who wanted to be there for him all this time.
I saw an opportunity to speak to him about the Lord.
And I told him about friends within our age group that exists in City on the Hill.
I also said I would understand if this religious talk would scare him away (it did not).

We ended up talking about the purposes of all that happened to us.
That all that happened was out of God’s kindness towards us.
That the Lord will not bring us all the way here just to see us scurry home.
That he can find life in the US and not be married to the idea of life with that woman.
And I sincerely asked God that He protect and heal our wounded hearts.
May we become more than conquerors that those who hear of our stories glorify the Lord.
May the Lord restore what was lost, and may we look beyond our circumstances.

"What, then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us? …In all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." – Ro 8:31, 37-38

Truth Be Told

I shall quiet my soul and allow my all-knowing Lord to reveal it in His time.

I will not defend myself against the slander of someone in darkness.

There is a time when I must choose not to explain or defend myself.

For even the Lord once told those who knew His identity to not tell.

I thank the Lord for the grace to see His mantle of protection over me.

No one else knows where the truth ended and the absurd lies began.

No one else knows but the Lord; and anyone who is wise should fear.

At the appointed time, God will hold those who are upright in heart.

Light shines in the darkness and the darkness has not overcome it. - Jn 1:5

A Slave No Longer

I was too afraid of losing his love.
I met him the first time I attended church.
Being in a new country, I adjusted with him in the picture.
Naturally I knew not how to be separate from him
Because I never did things on my own.

I lost my sense of independence.
I planned my time according to his free time.
I waited for his regular phone call at certain times of the day.
I thought of him whenever I got the chance.
I willed whatever he willed for me.

I made him my world.
I lost myself to sin with him.
I stopped seeing my spiritual director.
I accepted his lies for fear of being alone.
I was more afraid of not being in familiar ground.

I lost the joy I used to possess coming to this land.
This was going to be the second time of admitting.
I made a mistake once again in choosing my partner.
I realized I was not afraid of losing him.
Even when I knew he was no longer the person I loved.

It has been a full month of non-communication.
I have decided to allow God to free me from that baggage.
I keep busy if only to get preoccupied.
I only cry about it a little before God now.
He is the only one who cares to listen.

God has long revealed it many times.
No one deserves that kind of treatment.
My healing is now His business.
I am a better person without him.
The truth has set me free.

"If you remain in my word, you will truly be my disciples,
and you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free." - Jn 8: 31-32

Outcry

I tried hard not to fall for him again.
I drank too much when he came to see me.
But I woke up to a place where sin can start again.
I thought I saw love, longing, and hope in his eyes.
Only to find passion and lust masquerading.

He came back and reclaimed my heart.
Oh! The same old story, but I did not see it coming.
After promises of love and fidelity.
And convincing me to let the new one go.
Once again, he left me cold.

Why be so cruel that he would not let me heal?
Why did I let him trick me once again?
What evil lurks within one’s soul?
As to cause the slowest death unto my being?
When will I ever see that he is cause for misery?

Can he not let me be…happy and content?
Why do I allow him to cause me more pain?
When will I ever find the strength to say no?
Where can I run so my heart will just harden?
Do I have any loved ones left to protect me?

When I am not myself, please shake me.
When he comes near me, please cover me.
When I could not stop crying, please accept me.
When I am alone, please intercede for me.
When I see no hope, Lord, have mercy on me.

I Don't Have the Mind of God Yet

Whirlwind romance?

I hope not. Right now, it’s really too early to say much about how deeply I feel for him. Yes, it is strong especially because it is something new. As to how deep it is, only time will tell.

When I got into it, I was just relying merely on how I felt, how I longed for love, and how promising and so much better a man he presented himself. Most of the time we spent together can be counted over the phone whether voice or text. He has consistently been present in my life, and he is someone I can talk to and love listening to.

I know I should have discerned before I went ahead with this relationship. Neither he nor I deny the fact that we rushed into things. He is mature enough to agree with me to take a step back and discover more of each other day by day. So, while we are in this relationship, he is also taking his time. At the end of each day, we see to it that we talk about what we have learned from each other.

I discovered that…

• He works really hard. I just try to understand because I want him to do the things he loves doing.
  He gets jealous, but tries to understand. We resolved this by informing each other of our whereabouts, and letting trust operate.


• He knows how to pray, and prays such beautiful prayers with me impromptu (he also tells me what he prays to the Lord about us).


• He inspires me to pray (yesterday after our phone conversation, I really worshipped and prayed to the Lord for taking care of an area of my life when I least expected it).


• He understands what I have been through with my exes. Though we discussed that I should not go by such measures with him, he told me to take enough time that I need until I am able to love fully.


• He is "matampuhin". He asked me to be more sensitive of his feelings, while he also would loosen up. We also resolved that we should not let the sun set on any ill feelings toward each other.


• He is really sweet, and likes to assure me of his love. He sings me songs in my voicemail and sometimes before I sleep; surprises me with flowers, chocolates, breakfast and lunch at work; and he assures me of his faithfulness (telling me about how he evades women who try to get onto him i.e. one time he was at Musikahan).


• He is really serious with me and is not just into meaningless pursuits (he introduced me to his family and tells his friends and coworkers about me).


• He is a gentleman and is actually conservative (he carries heavy stuffs, opens doors, holds my hand, walks at the danger zone, and told me last Saturday to wear shorts cuz my dress during the retreat was a bit flimsy).


• He is protective of how his family may perceive me (His mom is here and wants to spend as much time with him as possible, so he said that he will do as his mom says. This way, his mom will not see me as competition).


• He is really serious with his singing (joining a contest next month, and planning to join American Idol next season!!!)


• He is lovable (he makes me feel loved, needed, beautiful, and precious. I tell myself that all these I know because God told me so. But for him to see that, and treat me as I deserve to be treated…that is what makes him different. Should I compare? Maybe I should not, especially because it is too early. But at this time, that is something added to the essentials on my list. That is something that my partner should be able to consistently exhibit during our relationship).

Did I learn from my previous mistakes?

During the retreat, I faced the Lord with the recent decision I made. With this relationship now taking place, I asked the Lord what he wanted me to do. Simply this…to offer our bodies as living sacrifices to the Lord…to let Him take center stage in our relationship…and to take things slow and make things always right before Him (things that did not transpire with my previous relationships). The Lord promises that He will bless it if we follow His commandments.

I do not want to take a messianic attitude. I do invite him to attend church activities. In time, I believe he will attend. Right now, I just know that I have loved and lost…and survived. I thought I could not love again. With the recent heartache, God is still working in me. I know I am a better person because I know that I now love myself more. I know that I should never settle because God wants the best for me. I know I should be firm with my decisions, especially ones that I make with the Lord. So now I continue to have the attitude of prayer with my new relationship. This way, God can lead me and reveal to me His will. I want to be in stride with the Lord as I walk towards my goal.

I once lost all hope in being able to love again, but I now find hope in the Lord. I know not if he has come at the right time of my life. I do not know what the Lord has in mind about us. With my decision to move on and to love him, I can hope in a limitless God…where possibilities of love can come in unexpected packages…even right after a major heartbreak…while still on the road to complete healing…and when our faith relies on a promise of a heaven where all things are in place.

Brothers and sisters, I can’t consider myself a winner yet. This is what I do: I don’t look back, I lengthen my stride, and I run straight toward the goal to win the prize that God’s heavenly call offers in Christ Jesus. - Phil 3:13-14

Idle Thoughts of Him

I see him sincere and always wanting to make me happy.
He makes me feel beautiful and precious.
Even when he’s tired, he shows me he cares.
Maybe he does want to start a new chapter with me.
Why should I not trust his offering?

He asked, "Am I not deserving?" but respects my need for time.
He said he does not play and wants us to be exclusive.
He sings me songs till he melts my heart each day.
He understands my fears for I want to decide apart from feeling.
Could this be a risk worth taking?

One night, he counted my pulse rate: normal but fast.
I know little about the field of medicine.
But I just know that he would find out…it was nerve-racking!
He introduced me to his family though it was too early for such.
I came because it meant a lot to him – to make him happy.

We share an intimacy and honesty only old friendships attain.
I can listen to his sharing…his singing…his laughter all night long.
He is part of my life now…more like a good habit.
With him, I can be both strong and vulnerable.
Even when we fall silent together, he puts me right at ease.

He reminds me of lazy afternoons at our hammock back home.
He is lemonade after life has thrown me lemons.
So with all my might I pray to God for what’s in store for us…
That with each discovery, we could accept and enjoy each other.
Perhaps we can hope for a ride of a lifetime.

Rise

The other day I found myself wondering...
It is already the month of May...
The tears are all dried up...
And the pain still comes every now and then...
But God assures me...
Just because people treat you like trash...
Doesn't define who you are...
You are my beloved daughter...
You are precious in my eyes...
I will make you soar like an eagle...
You will shine and become victorious...
Everything will be all right.

"But you will not even need to fight.
Take your positions; then stand still
and watch the Lord’s victory." - 2 Chronicles 20:17

This song captures it all...

Rise by Gabrielle

I know that it's over.
That I can't believe we're through.
They say that time's a healer.
Yeah.And I'm better without you.

It's gonna take time I know,
But I'll get over you.

Look in my life.
Look in my heart.
I have seen them fall apart.
Now I'm ready to rise again.
Just look in my hopes.
Look at my dreams building

bridges from these scenes.
Now, I'm ready to rise again.

Caught up in my thinking.
Yeah.
Like a prisoner in my mind.
You pose so many questions.
But, the truth was hard to find.

I better think twice I know
that I'll get over you.

Look in my life.
Look in my heart.
I have seen them fall apart.
Now I'm ready to rise again.
Just look in my hopes.
Look in my dreams building
bridges from these scenes.
Now, I'm ready to rise again.

Much time has passed between us.
Mmm.
Do you still think of me at all?
My world of broken promises.
Now, you won't catch me when I fall.

Look in my life.
Look in my heart.
I have seen them fall apart.
Now I'm ready to rise again.
Just look in my hopes.
Look at my dreams building
bridges from these scenes.
Now, I'm ready to rise again.

Yes, I'm gonna rise, and make it all right,
I'm going to be who I want to be, yeah baby.
Yeah. Yeah.
I'm going to make it all right.
I'm going to make it all right.

Trusting God’s No

My mom raised me to be independent, even when I was young.
I was always very active in sports, training after school hours.
My first time away from home was when I was 12 years old due to a tournament.
I enrolled myself in self-defense classes, swimming lessons, and fitness programs.
I developed and followed my own exercise routine till now.

Naturally, I became a person who always insisted on what I wanted.
I was not the type to back down on any argument.
Whenever someone opposed my two cents, I would be on the defensive.
The corporate world also taught me how to get the buy-in of management.
This in turn enabled me to influence employees’ stand on certain issues.

I prayed that the Lord grant me a visa to travel to the US, and got one.
I prayed that I get a new car after college graduation, and my mom gave me one.
I prayed that I pass an exam or deliver a presentation well, and did.
For a while, I became confident of my enhanced skill.
I seemed to get what I want when I prayed for it, or even when I didn’t.

Until one time that I sincerely prayed for my potential partner in life.
He did to me all things that would make me despise him.
All my family and friends told me to not take him back, but I did.
The Lord revealed to me that he was not the man he wanted for me.
But even when God set up roadblocks, I insisted on my own will.

Waiting was not an option, it meant suffering - else, it meant defeat.
I told myself, "Bargain with the Lord so He could change the man you loved."
Yet God told me that He has given us the free will to allow Him inside or not.
And that if I trusted in His great plan for me, then I can someday thank Him for His no.
It was an answered prayer all the same, just packaged differently.

God is still working on answering my prayer for that potential partner.
What is important is I glorify Him in the suffering, and allow Him to heal me.
I no longer walk in the shadow of my past achievements and defeats.
God has emptied me that I may be confident instead on what He can do for me.
So I am filled with joy knowing that God has a promise waiting to be fulfilled.

"Our troubles are slight and short-lived, and their outcome an eternal glory
which outweighs them far. Meanwhile our eyes are fixed,
not on the things that are seen, but on the things that are unseen." (2 Cor 4:17, 18 NEB).

Making Music Together

We played the guitar together, putting joy to my heart.
He struggled to sing me his composition.
To me, it was perfect because he gave his best.
I loved watching him play while I did the singing.
He listened to a song once and knew how to play it.

We praised God in church through our music.
We served the church with our music.
He led in playing every song, I simply followed.
I had a different style, but his sounded better.
Through it, I learned how to support and submit.

Humility was never an issue for me.
He subjected me to torture with his infidelity.
I accepted him believing it was momentary.
He said I fit into his essentials, and I was his love.
But he was confused and continued juggling.

I told him I loved him despite the wrong he did me.
He asked for forgiveness, but he continued to err.
He asked for time to let the other go at his convenience,
He soon made me see, he no longer loved me.
The music we played together was going out of sync.

In sorrow, I prayed again to God for strength.
Why settle when God had someone better in mind?
With this prayer came another revelation,
I found proof that he was still in darkness.
The music faded. But all will soon be well.

Concrete Expressions of God's Love

Having been brought up with a lot of brokenness,
Our family only said I love you over the phone or through a letter.
Mama had the most influence in my life.
Good memories of my tatang stopped 15 years ago.

Whenever I made overseas calls, tatang was never home.
About 11 months being separated, we never conversed.
Till I saw no need to ask for him to get on the phone,
And we became even more absent in each other's lives.

A recent heartbreak caused me to go down on my knees.
Life away from home has been really rough for me.
All I could do is pray to the mountains,
I need concrete expressions of Your love for me.

Tatang was grieving a close relative's death.
But what saddened me is news about his health which is failing.
I called home and amazingly heard tatang's voice in the background.
Once he heard it was I on the phone, he grabbed the receiver.

In a gruff voice, he said "Hi baby!"
I could not believe the change in his voice, tatang is aging.
We talked a little, but it was a good memory.
The Father's love, I could see.

He was grieving, I was lonely.
Though we did not talk about it, it was enough.
God used a significant man in my life to show me I mattered.
My father (in heaven and on earth) loves me.

God is the Faithful One

You said, “You are the answer to my prayers.”
I will take care of you.
You had no money, only had love to offer.
Your honesty won my heart.

We made plans for the future.
You gave me about a day a week.
An extra day was a treat.
My love grew as much as our dreams.

One day, you started giving less.
I asked for time, you said you’d work on it.
You fell many times, I was quick to forget.
Cu’z you said everything will be all right.

You hurt me. Little by little, you left me.
You promised you’d change.
'Guess you never meant a word.
Still the same mistake, I lost count.

Lies, secrets, lost time and accountability.
You hid from me like I was an angry mob.
I could have had some dignity left.
You could have just asked me to go away.

The Lord said "I will count your tears.
I will love you even when no one does."
I pray, "Give me, Lord, your heavenly strength."
Or I beg you, just make the pain go away."

The favors of the Lord are not exhausted, his mercies are not spent; They are renewed each morning, so great is his faithfulness. - La 3:22-23

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted, saves those whose spirit is crushed. - Ps 34:19

The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

Topsy-turvy!
This September, God's plans for me became clearer. My boss was about to sign the contract with my lawyer on availing her services to process my sponsorship, but (once again) he changed his mind about sponsoring me. The company lost a lot of clients and he said he could not justify why he would still sponsor another employee.

Gut-feel?
I had this feeling that my employer was going to ask me to find another employer. I contacted an employment agency last Friday and I was scheduled for an interview on Tuesday. Coincidentally, Monday came and my boss told me I had 15 days to find another job. Was I glad to have seen it coming!

Praise Him in everything!
I told my friends about the latest happenings and detours in my life, and I asked for prayers. I never talked to anyone about how I truly felt. I just thought it would be good to consult God first just like I used to. Little did I know that all my pent up emotions were just waiting to be spilled. I could not help but cry to the Lord that night. All my efforts seem to go in vain. God told me to sing to Him songs of victory. Could you imagine the turmoil that went inside of me? Here I am, feeling like a failure. Yet God instructed me to praise Him for He is a victorious God. That night, I did not know how to end my prayer. I fell asleep crying.

How great is our God!
I got a job after 2 days. It was going to pay me higher than what I was getting now, enough to cover the employment agency's cut. I could not believe it all happened within a week!

Tough race to heaven.
Many times, I am humbled and I become lonely. In the process, I have done many things to cope with depression and I fail pathetically at earning any of the Lord's mercy - including failing to pray when I am in a state of ungrace. Even after eight years in community, I realize I have not grown in major areas of my life. So I continue to ask for your prayers.

Total recall.
Today, I will meet with a priest to avail of the Sacrament of Reconciliation. Shortly after, I will meet my new Spiritual Director, a nun who has helped a sister in her healing process. I pray that she may indeed help me tap on that grace that I need to stay rooted in the Lord.

Birthday Reflections

My Parents
I experienced a great deal of suffering when I was growing up. This was because my parents constantly argued in the middle of the night. I witnessed my father's playboy antics. This was back when my mother gave him a forwarding business which put in enough money for him to maintain such a lifestyle. With money, my father was always Santa Claus, and he had so many friends. He would whistle in admiration (or lust) for young women in the streets while he drove me to school. He would even drop by at another woman's house near my school while I waited in the car.

I could still remember that one time my parents were about to separate. My father packed his bags and was getting ready to leave us. My mom asked me to stop my father from leaving. She did not realize that these things that she tried to endure were critical for me to witness. I was crying and asked my father not to leave. He cried and hugged me saying "We no longer love each other. We are just staying together for the kids." It was a memory so vivid because my father hugged me then. I was in the arms of my father while he showed his struggle to love us. I was confused because he was leaving us, and I was hurting inside even though he had never given me an image of a loving father.

Consequences of Staying Together
Years later, in one of their arguments, my mom told me the same thing my father told me. "We no longer love each other. We are just staying together for the kids." I had accepted that fact, but wondered why they still lived under the same roof. It left me feeling broken and incomplete.

When I was 17 yrs old, mama and I had to confront a girl who was only a year older than I was, because someone told my mom that the girl was my father's mistress. The girl denied it that time. But time came when the Lord put everything into the light. Another report came to my mom about my father and the same girl renting an apartment. My younger brother (who was 12 yrs old at that time) knocked on the door, and the girl opened it. However, from the front door, my brother saw my father step out of the restroom. He was only wearing his briefs.

After this, my parents came to an agreement, and my mother settled to send the girl to Japan with our money, for as long as she would leave my father alone. That was the start of my brother's problems.

The Black Sheep
I had started my rebellion earlier than my sister and brother. As early as the 5th grade, I was smoking cigarettes, and stealing money from my mom. When I was in my high school sophomore year, I began drinking hard liquor and started having drinking parties at home. I also joined an underground sorority just to show the world that I was a tough nut to crack. When I became a college freshman, I got a tattoo that described me in a dark world, added 6 pierces to both my ears, drank alcohol in-between classes, cut classes, smoked pot, partied all night with friends, stopped going to church, joined in rumbles for the thrill of it, left home more than 10 times, and got into many immoral relationships. All this was to spite my mom. I thought she was stupid for staying with my father.

The Next Black Sheep
At around the same time, my sister was also stealing from us and from her friends, and was getting hooked on shabu. At one time, she went home wearing a skin-head look because she lost in the student council elections. My sister eventually dropped out of her second school, got pregnant, married a businessman, and went home.

Behind Bars
When I was in high school, my father's forwarding business died due to stiff competition with other forwarding businesses that my father's "so-called friends" set up. Together with the business, his friends also left him. He also suffered a mild heart attack because of his vices. Shortly after this, my father got imprisoned because of perjury.

My Brother's Downfall
Because of this, my brother reached his limit, and went from one school to another. He became hardened and angry towards my mother for putting up with my father. It was at this time that I met Christ through Ang Lingkod ng Panginoon, and decided to help my mom with the finances. I sent money for my brother's weekly school allowance. Only to find out, he never went to school. He became addicted to alcohol, and fathered a daughter to a married woman who had another child. He started wasting his life away through women and booze, and went missing from school and home. My mother was also on the brink of depression when we could not find my brother.

Choosing to Love My Family
By this time, I had already finished college, broke it off with my married lover, earned a lot, and surrendered my life to Christ. While my career hit rock bottom because I was accused of negligence, my mom asked me to go home for good. I prayed and asked the Lord if this is already the time to go home. With all the circumstances around me, the Lord made me see why I needed to go home. It is the time that my family needed me. So I decided to go home to help my family from spiraling further down.

I got a loan to help pay for my brother's debts. Out of love for my mother, my brother decided to go back home and get serious about becoming sober from alcohol. However, I was angry about my brother's relationship with the married woman. Although my brother left her at first, it was more complicated than it actually was.

My sister surprised me one time I came home from work. There was a baby at home. When I asked whose baby it was, she said it's my brother's. I had to break down to God in prayer. I felt deceived. My mom knew all along and paid for the hospital bills. I remember God's words to me then. "For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, a stranger and you welcomed me, naked and you clothed me, ill and you cared for me, in prison and you visited me.' Then the righteous will answer him and say, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you drink? When did we see you a stranger and welcome you, or naked and clothe you? When did we see you ill or in prison, and visit you?' And the king will say to them in reply, 'Amen, I say to you, whatever you did for one of these least brothers of mine, you did for me.' (Mt 25:35-40)

I did not understand this until I heard my sister say that the mother of my niece had no more money for clothing and milk for the baby. Right then and there, I conceded to take her and my niece into our own home.

The Aftermath
Eventually, we were all able to stand on our feet again: my brother is more responsible with money, my sister is on her 4th year in nursing school, my mom works in the US, my father is a stay-home grandfather to my nephew and niece, and my brother's partner has the lovable qualities of my mom to the point of martyrdom. I, on the other hand, am educating myself with the IT business and computers.

For a time, I was bitter. My earthly father just could not measure up. My family was torn to pieces. My heart seemed to have stopped from feeling. My sadness reeked through my face, my words, my disposition, and my spirit. My faithfulness was tested up to the point that I questioned if it was all worth it to be a follower of Christ. The Lord showed me that God will fill me up for every shortcoming that my father had. He taught me to give up smoking by lifting it up to Him. He commanded me to leave my immoral self and be washed by His blood that I may behold His face in the end of time. He taught me to move within my own circle before I even think of reaching out to others.

God’s Encouraging Words
"Rejoice always. Pray without ceasing. In all circumstances give thanks, for this is the will of God for you in Christ Jesus." - 1 Thess 5:16-18.

"My soul is deprived of peace, I have forgotten what happiness is; I tell myself my future is lost, all that I hoped for from the Lord...Remembering it over and over leaves my soul downcast within me. But I will call this to mind, as my reason to have hope: The favors of the Lord are not exhausted, his mercies are not spent; They are renewed each morning, so great is his faithfulness. My portion is the Lord, says my soul; therefore will I hope in him. Good is the Lord to one who waits for him, to the soul that seeks him; It is good to hope in silence for the saving help of the Lord." - Lam 3:17-26

My Life
On my birthday, I spent a holy hour before the Lord at the Blessed Sacrament, attended mass, and witnessed how God is already at work in answering my prayers. I prayed for the many important areas of my life: My prayer and scripture time, my services, my community, my career, my family, my mission, my healing, my loved ones, and my future loved one. As the song goes "I'm trading my sorrows, I'm trading my shame. I'm trading my sickness. I'm trading my pain. I'm laying them down for the joy of the Lord."

Through the last 28 years of my life, the Lord continues to remain faithful to me. He continues to anoint my head with oil and my cup overflows. In my hardships, He has counted my tears. He will never get tired even when I feel like retreating. He will hear me when I feel like whispering a prayer or shouting in despair. He will carry me in His arms when I am hopeless.

God's messages for me on my day: He will never treat us according to what our sins deserve. He assures us of His provisions and greatness over uncertain situations in life. All that I am going through is part of my pruning so that I may become worthy to behold His greatness.

I thank God for all that He has allowed me to endure. Only in Him, will my joy be ever complete.