Made for the Lord

I have been driven in life by my passions, desire for success and recognition, and hope for a place in God's kingdom. I am defocused as good things have happened that keep me from doing what God really wants. I am hardened by the wrong choices I've made and the struggles that made me think I am on my own.

I am currently driven by guilt, sometimes hiding from God's presence when He has never shun me away. My past seems to catch up on me. I feel so undeserving of His mercy and goodness. How can He love me?

I am driven by materialism wishing I had more...salary, properties, and skills. I was nothing and I did nothing good. God's spirit bore much fruit since my renewal...fruit of joy, peace, and hope. How can I turn down another opportunity to bring Him glory? My sin can overwhelm me and my slow healing progress can really be disheartening. I am in constant struggle with my own self.

Attending one Lingkod household made me realize one thing: I have to remain open to God's leading. In my desire to open to God and to please Him, I decided to say yes to attending the household. The objectives: to simplify, focus, and serve. I still say yes in the hopes of being able to exhort my sisters by His Spirit. I am not worthy, but the Lord is. I pray that I may stand before Him in fear, and that I may be courageous in bringing Him glory.

When I stand before God's people, I want to please God alone. May He prepare my heart for both big and small tasks. I am a witness of His greatness, and so shall His people be.

The Reason I Live

My romantic relationships have further caused my downfall. I try to begin everyday hoping for a miracle of healing. Only God knows how to end it all. My good friend in the faith told me, "No, the trauma you faced was not easy. And God wept that it hurt you so. But it was allowed to shape your heart so that into His likeness you'd grow."

How marvelous to look at every detail surrounding me exclaiming God's attention for me. He must indeed love me. The perfect love shared in the Trinity allowed my presence right here on earth. How He fashioned everything from my mother's womb even while she tried to abort me. God planned that I would still be alive.

It is my second life then! You knew me before I was born. My heart rejoices knowing that I will forever have your mark as your creation. I will always be your daughter and I belong to you - failures, sickness, shortcomings, sin and all.

God is my father and I will no longer try to parent myself. God has the best plans for me from the very beginning. "You are who you are...because there is a God." It can be hard to look at myself in the mirror because of my flaws. His Word gives me life. I know in my heart a fire that burns and says I am precious in the eyes of my Father. God purposefully made me for a reason and waits for me to recognize Him when I feel unloved. I want to start anew, rediscover that purpose by going back to making God the center of my life. I am not so cast out or beaten by my mistakes and sin. The Lord will do all things for His plans to happen.

All that has happened to me and what is about to happen has not escaped the Lord's watchful eye. He is with me even before I was conceived. I find comfort knowing that God has always helped me pick up the pieces of my life that I may one day be whole again. Trusting in God's wisdom whose thoughts are higher than mine will one day help me understand.

Heaven Knows

Some events in my life have caused my destruction. I have allowed them to bring me into the point of hopelessness and despair. I just considered them as my fate because God has allowed them. What I did not really see is they were made for the purpose of strengthening me. Otherwise, they were made for the purpose of weakening me that I may realize how strong my God is. For a time, I found myself lacking, unloved, and abandoned. I tried to understand things on my own, struggled to live each day, wandering in a world of lawless people. By law, I mean that which was made in heaven. My heart stops in envy of others who share about not experiencing much hardships in life. I often find myself asking God the infamous question, "Why?"

Once, I went to this orphanage. The girls there were either abandoned, battered, or sexually abused. I wonder, "In all of God's power, why can a man's sin, which causes so much destruction on another, escape His sight? Why can He not choose to protect His beloved children?" My mom admitted to me in sorrow that I was an unwanted child. Recalling the past, I used to wish that God allowed me to be unborn. That way, I would not have been hurt. I have not been spared from much hardships as a child, ones that are too painful to write. Having to live with my pain at one point almost drove me insane. I did not want to live, and asked God to have mercy and to strike me dead.

In August 1999, my conversion, God gave me hope. Fresh out of college and of a heartbreak, God proved that He is my protector. I met the Lord through Ang Lingkod ng Panginoon, and realized that there is no point in pursuing relationships that led me to sin. He protected me from further falling into sin and from making further mistakes in life. Being in a Catholic community helped me open my perspective in dealing with sisters who had the same questions for the Lord, who had unbearable pain, and who for a moment, lost their desire to bounce after falling. In my efforts to please the Lord, I always claim that I say "Your will be done." This sometimes causes me too much pain, one that I cannot seem to bear.

But God is faithful. Over time, I experience His healing. He has given me a ministry - one that helps me and those like me to be healed. I wanted to be God's messenger and healer, after experiencing God's healing. Why the pills did not take effect when I tried to end it all, why I did not get aborted, why I did not marry the man of my dreams, and any other Why question I throw at Him, I now have the answer. It's as simple as this: God wants what's best for me. It took me 23 years before I realized my ministry. Hence, I choose God first always. And when I get hurt in my choosing, I know God will bring me back to my purpose. May my yes give Him glory.

God's plans endure forever; His purposes last eternally. - Ps 33:11