Heaven Knows

Some events in my life have caused my destruction. I have allowed them to bring me into the point of hopelessness and despair. I just considered them as my fate because God has allowed them. What I did not really see is they were made for the purpose of strengthening me. Otherwise, they were made for the purpose of weakening me that I may realize how strong my God is. For a time, I found myself lacking, unloved, and abandoned. I tried to understand things on my own, struggled to live each day, wandering in a world of lawless people. By law, I mean that which was made in heaven. My heart stops in envy of others who share about not experiencing much hardships in life. I often find myself asking God the infamous question, "Why?"

Once, I went to this orphanage. The girls there were either abandoned, battered, or sexually abused. I wonder, "In all of God's power, why can a man's sin, which causes so much destruction on another, escape His sight? Why can He not choose to protect His beloved children?" My mom admitted to me in sorrow that I was an unwanted child. Recalling the past, I used to wish that God allowed me to be unborn. That way, I would not have been hurt. I have not been spared from much hardships as a child, ones that are too painful to write. Having to live with my pain at one point almost drove me insane. I did not want to live, and asked God to have mercy and to strike me dead.

In August 1999, my conversion, God gave me hope. Fresh out of college and of a heartbreak, God proved that He is my protector. I met the Lord through Ang Lingkod ng Panginoon, and realized that there is no point in pursuing relationships that led me to sin. He protected me from further falling into sin and from making further mistakes in life. Being in a Catholic community helped me open my perspective in dealing with sisters who had the same questions for the Lord, who had unbearable pain, and who for a moment, lost their desire to bounce after falling. In my efforts to please the Lord, I always claim that I say "Your will be done." This sometimes causes me too much pain, one that I cannot seem to bear.

But God is faithful. Over time, I experience His healing. He has given me a ministry - one that helps me and those like me to be healed. I wanted to be God's messenger and healer, after experiencing God's healing. Why the pills did not take effect when I tried to end it all, why I did not get aborted, why I did not marry the man of my dreams, and any other Why question I throw at Him, I now have the answer. It's as simple as this: God wants what's best for me. It took me 23 years before I realized my ministry. Hence, I choose God first always. And when I get hurt in my choosing, I know God will bring me back to my purpose. May my yes give Him glory.

God's plans endure forever; His purposes last eternally. - Ps 33:11