The Gift of Singleness

"A single woman missionary writes, ‘I've never dated anyone. Is it realistic for a woman to desire confirmation of her femininity at one point in her life?’…I would answer yes, it's realistic, it's natural, it's not wrong. A real woman's desire is to be a real woman, and a man's love helps to confirm that. But human desire is to be brought under the lordship of Christ for fulfillment according to His wisdom and choosing. (See Psalm 10:17; 37:4; 38:9; 145:19.)" – Elisabeth Elliot

Much like that missionary, I would see a couple in one of the church pews holding hands or giving each other a kiss of peace…and I’d be like, "God, please shield my eyes so I don’t get too distracted (or envious!). In fact, the kind of "knight-in-shining-armor-fairy-tale" a girl could be dreaming of has been lowered to simply having-a-good-man-stand-by-your-side-without-having-to-do-anything-special. To be affirmed is perhaps the greatest language of love for every marriageable-aged woman.

Of course with faith the size of a mustard seed, I just shrug off such thoughts. I realize that when I pray, I'm not the least bit worried to have a partner. I just know that God will make it happen. It doesn’t mean that He will make a man fall onto my lap. But I believe that He will surprise me with a good man – good by His standards and not by mine.

I talked to a brother who shared about his desire for a ‘single blessedness’ state of life. Automatically, I encouraged him to read 1 Corinthians chapter 7. That conversation drew me back to my own decision. It made me open my bible to the same verses. As though reading it for the first time, six verses seemed to come right out of the book…emphasizing what I must do at my current state:

• "Now to the unmarried…I say: it is a good thing for them to remain as they are, as I do, but if they cannot exercise self-control they should marry, for it is better to marry than to be on fire."(v. 8-9)
  
• "Only, everyone should live as the Lord has assigned, just as God called each one." (v.17)
  
• "Everyone should remain in the state in which he was called." (v.20)
  
• "So this is what I think best because of the present distress: that it is a good thing for a person to remain as he is." (v.26)
  
• "So then, the one who marries his virgin does well; the one who does not marry her will do better."(v.38)
  
• "She is more blessed, though, in my opinion, if she remains as she is, and I think that I too have the Spirit of God."(v. 40)

This Christmas, I thought about the perfect gift I can give to the birthday celebrant. What could I possibly have that would make Jesus grin from ear to ear? Off the top of my head, I say, “Uhhh…nothing!” But rethinking about all the blessings I have received, there must be something that God wants out of me for Him to keep me alive and kicking.

And then it dawned on me. I can offer me. How many times has He heard this? In my blog alone, I think half of the entries have a theme of self-offering. But what is distinct about my life now is I am single. And what better way to thank God for the gift than to give it back to the Giver. I thank God for the privilege to serve him in the state that I have now; a state where:

• There’s little to change.
  
• Worries are at a minimum.
  
• Righteousness is not an afterthought.
  
• What is essential is the focus.
  
• God has me at His disposal.

My singleness may not be the end, but it is not by chance. I am single in this universe full of the same, but my realization comes with a challenge. What is essential for a single woman? "An unmarried man is anxious about the things of the Lord, how he may please the Lord." (v. 32)

All my heart goes out to you this day and always, my Lord, Jesus. Happy Birthday!

I Am Not Home Yet

I found out a couple of weeks ago that I am scheduled to do my finger printing for my green card application on 12/17/08. So that is supposed to be exciting news.

Well, there's another side to this story. As you all know, I am on a student visa, so I am required to go to school. Yesterday, I found out that the last day of school registration is 1/12/09. That will be another $3500 for me if my work authorization is not out by then. About the same amount of money is what I need to pay my lawyer once the green card, travel parole, and work authorization come out. My lawyer said that the latest that my work authorization would come out is February. This means that my work authorization needs to come out before 1/12/09.

I hit the end of the road again where God presented me with two choices: to surrender or to worry. Guess what I chose. I feel like I am racing against time -- wanting to save enough to be able to get home to my ailing father, wishing that I can zero out the family debts, and looking to please God with a yes to "whatever next steps" He has for me. I have a lot of "tangible needs" of which I have chosen to deprive myself, if only to help my family. As money continues to go out for schooling, my desire to spend time with my father gets pushed back as well. At the same time, I want to get the family debts out of the way before I start discerning for God's next steps for me (if it is in the mission field or any other service).

It could not possibly get any more personal than this. It is almost too painful to imagine, that I might have to endure more sacrifices if I have to continue on a student visa. I do look at sacrifices as part of pruning, and I find comfort in the fact that I get to share this experience with the Lord who made the greatest sacrifice of all. It gives me joy to know that my family is able to make ends meet with my help. There is no greater joy than knowing that God finds favor in me, so I may extend that favor to my family. Through this, I learned discipline when it came to spending, and I learned to find joy in choosing to live a simple lifestyle.

My best friend and I always talk about our desire to be in heaven. When I lose my focus, I immerse my thoughts with Revelations 4, closing my eyes even in order to visualize and hear that moment. The thought of heaven does not give me a form of escape. But it tells me that I am not home yet. Somehow I realized that these distractions are the enemy's feeble attempts to make me feel lonely, poor, and doubtful (my purposes in going here seem futile, I can't seem to bear fruit, etc). I am not rich, but I told God that I am rich with friends who can help me plead my case before Him. May the Lord grant me peace of mind, even when the stars do not seem aligned with the USCIS calendar."

Peace I leave with you; I do not give to you as the world gives."- Jn 14:27

A Life Consecrated

Yesterday, I was supposed to attend a Filipino mass at St. Lucy Catholic Church in Long Beach. I sensed that God is leading me to respond to His call to evangelism, and this is perhaps the first of many things I hope to offer to the Lord.

The celebrant was already 30 minutes late, but he did not send word why he was absent. The attendees were getting restless. With whispers that there was no priest available, some families opted to leave and catch the next mass in another church. The mass servants went to the seminary beside the church, and found two potential replacements. The first one brushed the servants aside with this statement: "I do not want to meddle in that affair." As for the second priest, the servants were told that father was having his afternoon siesta and could not be disturbed.

I looked around the chapel, and saw the faces of God's sheep - wondering, spiritually hungry, and lost. For a moment, I could not believe that I was so affected by this situation. The mass servants resorted to ask a Filipino deacon, who gladly accepted to perform a prayer service. He was neither in the position to celebrate the Holy Mass, nor perform the consecration. Instead, the mass servants gathered the leftover hosts from the morning mass. The Lord somehow made me feel uncomfortable with these words:

"Chastised a little, they shall be greatly blessed, because God tried them and found them worthy of himself. As gold in the furnace, he proved them, and as sacrificial offerings he took them to himself. In the time of their visitation they shall shine, and shall dart about as sparks through stubble; They shall judge nations and rule over peoples, and the LORD shall be their King forever. Those who trust in him shall understand truth, and the faithful shall abide with him in love." – Ws 6:5-9

As I lined up to partake of the body of Christ, I felt the Holy Spirit tugging at my heart:

• These are God's people intending to partake of the meal that Christ offered. God will bless them equally as when an actual priest stood before them.
• God was confirming His message through Tito Tony during his evangelization talk: there is an alarming decrease in the number of surviving Catholic priests, and those being ordained annually.
• The church's eyes were opened to the possibility that there will come a time when a priest will have to serve as a parish priest to several parishes, and that some parishes will not be catered to, just because there aren't enough priests.
• Someone has to stand up to gather His flock and lead them to the Lord.
• There was no consecration during the service, but I sincerely offered myself before the Lord.
• The focus is not on the priests whether they were too tired or were simply unavailable to serve. The focus should be on the role of the church for we comprise the body of Christ.
• Whatever state of life decision I made, God assures me that He will still make it happen despite the big task ahead because nothing is impossible with Him.

Yesterday, each St. Lucy partaker received a 1/8th piece of the host. But, as for me, God placed a big chunk of compassion in my heart. It loomed over me that I could not bring myself to pray about it. I felt that I was not ready. I got scared because I still had responsibility at home, and way so much more responsibility at hand if I said yes to His call. Yet, when I return to God, remembering the words of the song "While We Still Breathe", I could only utter this prayer: "Lord, let your will be done."

Un-prodigal Me

I am moved by this article. It talks about how God can make something good out of painful situations. It talks about the feeling of unworthiness when we have sinned.

Yesterday, I studied the Parable of the Prodigal Son. Popularly known for the love of a (prodigal) father, I picked up the lesson on the attitudes of the two brothers. Much as I realize that I am redeemed and now bask in the Lord's untiring love for me, the barely healed hurts in my heart cloud my perception of God's encompassing love and mercy. I am guilty of wondering what good can turn out of the people who have done me evil and pain. If at all, perhaps the experiences have allowed me to see that God is my comforter, that I can help others in the same situation, and that I am tougher than before. But as to how loving God should be to those who did such evil, I could not fathom. My mind tells me not to even pray for them, after all they have done.

I have become like the older brother in the parable. I come to God and tell Him, "Lord, show them who You are...that all things work for good for those who love You (Ro 8:28)." But the following article tells me that everything that happens is part of God's plan. It is not right for me to put Him in a box. That God is merciful and generous to all His children, and that none of us deserves more than the other. To be blessed at all is supposed to make me grateful. That just because I am now walking in the light does not mean that God should bless me more. That just because another sinner did more or did worse does not mean that God should spare him less than He spared me. God can still transform anyone who comes to Him with a repentant heart. Forgive me, Lord, for I have sinned.

Transforming Power by Elisabeth Elliot

If God is almighty, there can be no evil so great as to be beyond His power to transform. That transforming power brings light out of darkness, joy out of sorrow, gain out of loss, life out of death.

Sometimes we boggle at the evil in the world and especially in ourselves, feeling that this sin, this tragedy, this offense cannot possibly fit into a pattern for good. Let us remember Joseph's imprisonment, David's sin, Paul's violent persecution of Christians, Peter's denial of his Master. None of it was beyond the power of grace to redeem and turn into something productive. The God who establishes the shoreline for the sea also decides the limits of the great mystery which is evil. He is "the Blessed Controller of all things." God will finally be God, Satan's best efforts notwithstanding.

"Because it’s the only way to grow spiritually and be emotionally healthy. The Bible says, 'Make this your common practice: Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you can live together whole and healed.'" - James 5:16

My Understanding of Commitment

Last night, I thought about what I learned in community.
How different life in the Spirit is from the secular world.
Where radicalism is worthy when Christ is the cause.
It is more of a personal discovery as to the purpose for ‘being’.

Commitment taught me to serve even when I had no strength.
Commitment taught me to give when all I have left is little.
Commitment taught me to love and forgive the unlovable.
Commitment taught me about being in a safe environment.

I thought about the kind of service that my mentor showed.
She led by example going out of her comfort zone – way out.
I was blessed with transportation, money, and a source of living.
And I realized what I had belonged to the community.

I traveled to pick up and bring home my sisters foremost.
I traveled without counting the distance.
God is generous to me so His people may see Him generous.
I put it upon myself to ensure my brethren were home safe.

I even remember taking a brother home to a faraway town.
His father was killed and news about slaying was rampant.
His barrio was known as a rebel’s camp, so public transit ended at 9pm.
I took him home with rosary in hand and Psalm 91 on my lips.

We had a way of life where we gathered nine times a month.
Four Fridays was for prayer meetings, four weekdays for small groups.
One Sunday for social action – not counting service-related meetings.
The servant-leaders had to meet their members separately.

In all those times, we took care of our brethren.
We were happy to be with those who traveled far.
I had a share of being on the receiving end here in the U.S.
But humility is godly, self-pity the enemy’s priority.

When I asked a brother to take me home because I had no ride.
He turned me down and it rang in my ears for a while.
There is another brother who would drop everything
He would say, “That’s service”; more so to make sure I was home safe.

More than an ordinary friendship, community is a privilege.
It is where meaningful relationships are built.
In it, God entrusted me to my brethren.
God instructed me to commit first to my brethren.

I held a sister in high regard because she was a committed member.
So I asked her about a Gentile friend we were evangelizing who disappeared.
She denied knowing, yet believed in lies spurn out of bitterness.
She thought it was a pastoral concern and saw the need for intervention.

We have a different understanding of teachings in community.
The secular world teaches us to respond in apathy and indifference.
My commitment is simple: it knows no bounds, it protects, it guides.
It says, “I am not my own; I must forgive; I must honor and respect.”

They devoted themselves to the teaching of the apostles and to the communal life, to the breaking of the bread and to the prayers. Awe came upon everyone, and many wonders and signs were done through the apostles. All who believed were together and had all things in common; they would sell their property and possessions and divide them among all according to each one's need. Every day they devoted themselves to meeting together in the temple area and to breaking bread in their homes. They ate their meals with exultation and sincerity of heart, praising God and enjoying favor with all the people. And every day the Lord added to their number those who were being saved. – Acts 2:42-47

I Go for Depth

He was an entrepreneur as are most Chinoys in Pinas.
But he paid off many people for his business to survive.
He said he sees no point in pursuing his career here.
He’s better off in the Philippines where he could move freely.
I told him that he can be honest and earn just enough to survive.

He said he believes his mom’s "vibes" on people.
He believes in Feng Shui and could make good business out of it.
He said he no longer believed in marriages.
Just because his brothers did not do so well in that area.
Of course, that is just an addition to his traumatic experiences.

I listened, but I tried mostly to wake him up.
Surely, God must have sent him here because that kind of life was futile.
He must simply allow God more room in his life.
That if he went back to bribery and going with the flow,
He probably has not learned anything at all.

As if to highlight our discussion, during the mass we attended,
The reading talked about non-conformity to the worldly ways.
I do not see him victorious in his plight.
Although he could live to inspire with his story,
He chooses to go back to his old life.

That was the last I heard of him.
I have long seen that friendship's all there is to it.
But now even friendship seems out of the equation.
I tell you, it is really difficult to become a disciple.
Yet, as a discip le, it is much more difficult to fish for more.

Jesus said to him, "If you wish to be perfect, go, sell what you have and give to (the) poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me.” When the young man heard this statement, he went away sad, for he had many possessions. Then Jesus said to his disciples, "Amen, I say to you, it will be hard for one who is rich to enter the kingdom of heaven. – Mt 18: 21-23

"To anyone who has, more will be given and he will grow rich; from anyone who has not, even what he has will be taken away...But the seed sown on rich soil is the one who hears the word and understands it, who indeed bears fruit and yields a hundred or sixty or thirtyfold...Whoever has ears ought to hear." – Mt 13

"Sometimes I sympathize with the author of Psalm 119--"Gusts of anger seize me as I think of evil men who forsake Thy law"--and wish I could force people to accept what I see as truth. Jesus did not force them. "With many such parables He would give them His message, so far as they were able to receive it" (Mk 4:33 NEB). There may be some who are willing but not able to receive, others able but not willing. Only God can be sure who's who. We are to be faithful in transmitting the message and willing to respect the hearer. If God grants him freedom of will to receive or reject, so must I. If he is as yet unable to receive it, I must entrust him to God, remembering the narrow limits of my own understanding as well." - Excerpt from Able to Receive by Elisabeth Elliot

Blessed, Broken, and Given Away

This is my article written in the book "Seasons of Grace". The book talks about waiting in the Lord. An open invitation was sent to Ang Lingkod ng Panginoon and Ligaya ng Panginoon branches in the Philippines to write their experiences about waiting in the Lord. The chosen articles were later compiled and made into this book and published in October 2005. The book was created much like a devotional for all the seasons of waiting that a woman of the Lord experiences. Thus the last page for every article contained reflection questions.

Thirty Years in the Making

This is long overdue. It was supposed to be my birthday blog entry, thus the title. I also played the acoustic background music (and guess who sang in it!) in the 2nd slide entitled "Why Present?". I still have two of the slide's timing off and the volume can get a bit low in some slides. But I may not find time to edit this. As it is, I already used multiple softwares to create/edit the sound and the video. Also, I only used an unregistered software for the PPS to WMV conversion (unless you could recommend a different software). Dami ko pa sinabe noh? Enjoy!

PART 1 OF 3:


PART 2 OF 3:


PART 3 OF 3:

More than Conquerors

I think I had fun – one I haven’t had in a long time.
The Saturday we met was quite unplanned.
He said he likes surprises, contrary to the planner in me.
He joked that he was in a pink car, while I searched around the full parking lot.
As I approached a red car that was obviously his, he faked a panic.
And asked over the line, "Is that you, the beautiful girl walking my way?"
He made me grin up to my ears, and I knew that he knew all about fun.

The conversations we had lasted for about six hours.
He had a lot of things to say about anything.
I learned he was the youngest, half-Chinese, and loved to cook.
He knew how to speak Chinese, loved to work out, and had an adopted sister.
As usual, the planner in me just imagined a meeting over coffee or dinner.
I told myself, "Just plain talk, nothing serious or heavy."
But I was completely unaware of how meaningful it was becoming.

I almost choked as he told me his story here in this foreign land.
After 13 years together and being cheated on once, he was willing to work it out
When she moved to the U.S. on their 9th year, he took odd jobs to visit his love here.
Until he finally decided to leave everything behind to marry her.
Unfortunately, he found out that his love is cheating on him once more.
So he detached himself from everyone he loved, to find himself again.
I almost hugged him to tell him that he had such a beautiful story to tell.

After two years, he is out on a first date with me.
That this is his excuse for any mess he is making.
He expressed his yearning for his family, to make up for lost time with his parents.
He longed for his friends who wanted to be there for him all this time.
I saw an opportunity to speak to him about the Lord.
And I told him about friends within our age group that exists in City on the Hill.
I also said I would understand if this religious talk would scare him away (it did not).

We ended up talking about the purposes of all that happened to us.
That all that happened was out of God’s kindness towards us.
That the Lord will not bring us all the way here just to see us scurry home.
That he can find life in the US and not be married to the idea of life with that woman.
And I sincerely asked God that He protect and heal our wounded hearts.
May we become more than conquerors that those who hear of our stories glorify the Lord.
May the Lord restore what was lost, and may we look beyond our circumstances.

"What, then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us? …In all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." – Ro 8:31, 37-38

Truth Be Told

I shall quiet my soul and allow my all-knowing Lord to reveal it in His time.

I will not defend myself against the slander of someone in darkness.

There is a time when I must choose not to explain or defend myself.

For even the Lord once told those who knew His identity to not tell.

I thank the Lord for the grace to see His mantle of protection over me.

No one else knows where the truth ended and the absurd lies began.

No one else knows but the Lord; and anyone who is wise should fear.

At the appointed time, God will hold those who are upright in heart.

Light shines in the darkness and the darkness has not overcome it. - Jn 1:5

Tough Break from the Bible

I am having a hard time understanding 1 Sam 16 NAB version.

14

The spirit of the LORD had departed from Saul, and he was tormented by an evil spirit sent by the LORD.

15

So the servants of Saul said to him: "Please! An evil spirit from God is tormenting you.

16

If your lordship will order it, we, your servants here in attendance on you, will look for a man skilled in playing the harp. When the evil spirit from God comes over you, he will play and you will feel better."

17

Saul then told his servants, "Find me a skillful harpist and bring him to me."

18

A servant spoke up to say: "I have observed that one of the sons of Jesse of Bethlehem is a skillful harpist. He is also a stalwart soldier, besides being an able speaker, and handsome. Moreover, the LORD is with him."

19

Accordingly, Saul dispatched messengers to ask Jesse to send him his son David, who was with the flock.

20

Then Jesse took five loaves of bread, a skin of wine, and a kid, and sent them to Saul by his son David.

21

Thus David came to Saul and entered his service. Saul became very fond of him, made him his armor-bearer,

22

and sent Jesse the message, "Allow David to remain in my service, for he meets with my approval."

23

Whenever the spirit from God seized Saul, David would take the harp and play, and Saul would be relieved and feel better, for the evil spirit would leave him.

I know God is all powerful and even the evil one recognizes and fears His might. But could the Catholic translation have misconstrued what the author meant? Other bible versions say that it is an "ill" spirit sent by the Lord. It is a hard passage to understand.

The Upper Room Experience

A couple of days ago, I spoke with my pastoral leader.
She told me about more lies that the lost man told to save face.
Things that he had done, he said I did.
How could I have even loved a man capable of such evil?

It has been quite a while since my last conversation with my leader.
I felt I should not involve her with any further pain I put myself into.
I have long realized how I must have hurt my friends.
For not listening, and insisting on doing what's not good for me.

Although I am now treading the right way (through healing),
The damage to many of my relationships happened.
I left them all frustrated and wishing they did not care.
But they did, and so they turned away.

When Jesus died on the cross, the disciples could not understand.
They all came together before the ascencion with wavering faith.
They were afraid and locked themselves in the upper room.
Jesus went to that upper room, and so their ministry began.

My decisions had nothing to do with my friends.
My friends were and had always been right about it.
But my decision had everything to do with my faith in myself.
I didn't believe I could do it on my own.

But the fact is I must have little faith in the Lord.
Because I could not understand why He allowed it to happen.
I found myself always coming to Him in tears and questions.
I saw in my heart that I bore a grudge against the Lord.

When I took my state of life discernment, it was with the Lord.
When I had to wait until I was ready for love, it was with the Lord.
When I began the love affair, it was all with the Lord.
I had an upper room experience when the love did not last.

No one should go through pain alone - that is what the enemy wants.
I should not have tried to do it all on my own because I could not.
That is why God sent friends who would be strong when I was weak.
And even when they got tired, the Holy Spirit is able.

No pain, no broken relationship is beyond repair with God's grace.
With a humble heart, I want to commit my life to the Rock of my life.
I belong to the Lord; and I have every reason to thank Him for what happened.
To all those I have hurt with my stubborn ways, I ask for your forgiveness.

The way of the Lord gives refuge to the honest man, but dismays those who do evil - Prv. 10:29

A Slave No Longer

I was too afraid of losing his love.
I met him the first time I attended church.
Being in a new country, I adjusted with him in the picture.
Naturally I knew not how to be separate from him
Because I never did things on my own.

I lost my sense of independence.
I planned my time according to his free time.
I waited for his regular phone call at certain times of the day.
I thought of him whenever I got the chance.
I willed whatever he willed for me.

I made him my world.
I lost myself to sin with him.
I stopped seeing my spiritual director.
I accepted his lies for fear of being alone.
I was more afraid of not being in familiar ground.

I lost the joy I used to possess coming to this land.
This was going to be the second time of admitting.
I made a mistake once again in choosing my partner.
I realized I was not afraid of losing him.
Even when I knew he was no longer the person I loved.

It has been a full month of non-communication.
I have decided to allow God to free me from that baggage.
I keep busy if only to get preoccupied.
I only cry about it a little before God now.
He is the only one who cares to listen.

God has long revealed it many times.
No one deserves that kind of treatment.
My healing is now His business.
I am a better person without him.
The truth has set me free.

"If you remain in my word, you will truly be my disciples,
and you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free." - Jn 8: 31-32

Outcry

I tried hard not to fall for him again.
I drank too much when he came to see me.
But I woke up to a place where sin can start again.
I thought I saw love, longing, and hope in his eyes.
Only to find passion and lust masquerading.

He came back and reclaimed my heart.
Oh! The same old story, but I did not see it coming.
After promises of love and fidelity.
And convincing me to let the new one go.
Once again, he left me cold.

Why be so cruel that he would not let me heal?
Why did I let him trick me once again?
What evil lurks within one’s soul?
As to cause the slowest death unto my being?
When will I ever see that he is cause for misery?

Can he not let me be…happy and content?
Why do I allow him to cause me more pain?
When will I ever find the strength to say no?
Where can I run so my heart will just harden?
Do I have any loved ones left to protect me?

When I am not myself, please shake me.
When he comes near me, please cover me.
When I could not stop crying, please accept me.
When I am alone, please intercede for me.
When I see no hope, Lord, have mercy on me.

Not Smitten Enough

You serenaded me on our first meeting.
You gave me three white roses and a drink.
You impressed my friends with the finest serving.
You never left my side since then.

You once brought me breakfast and lunch at work.
You surprised me with a visit at church and Ferrero!
You gave me the most beautiful flowers I'd ever seen.
You bought a healthy sandwich for a health-conscious me.

You are one true gentleman - yes, I've noticed.
You make me feel important, loved, and needed.
You inspire me to be me, and perhaps to be a better me.
Should I believe this is the right time for us?

You assure me of faithfulness, even when I do not doubt.
You care for me like there's no tomorrow.
You have faith that can take us places.
Why can't your heart cradle mine?

Why am I not smitten with your pleasantry and style…
When it must be right? You must be right.
What else could you possibly do to win me over?
Maybe nothing, I just am not ready for love.

I Don't Have the Mind of God Yet

Whirlwind romance?

I hope not. Right now, it’s really too early to say much about how deeply I feel for him. Yes, it is strong especially because it is something new. As to how deep it is, only time will tell.

When I got into it, I was just relying merely on how I felt, how I longed for love, and how promising and so much better a man he presented himself. Most of the time we spent together can be counted over the phone whether voice or text. He has consistently been present in my life, and he is someone I can talk to and love listening to.

I know I should have discerned before I went ahead with this relationship. Neither he nor I deny the fact that we rushed into things. He is mature enough to agree with me to take a step back and discover more of each other day by day. So, while we are in this relationship, he is also taking his time. At the end of each day, we see to it that we talk about what we have learned from each other.

I discovered that…

• He works really hard. I just try to understand because I want him to do the things he loves doing.
  He gets jealous, but tries to understand. We resolved this by informing each other of our whereabouts, and letting trust operate.


• He knows how to pray, and prays such beautiful prayers with me impromptu (he also tells me what he prays to the Lord about us).


• He inspires me to pray (yesterday after our phone conversation, I really worshipped and prayed to the Lord for taking care of an area of my life when I least expected it).


• He understands what I have been through with my exes. Though we discussed that I should not go by such measures with him, he told me to take enough time that I need until I am able to love fully.


• He is "matampuhin". He asked me to be more sensitive of his feelings, while he also would loosen up. We also resolved that we should not let the sun set on any ill feelings toward each other.


• He is really sweet, and likes to assure me of his love. He sings me songs in my voicemail and sometimes before I sleep; surprises me with flowers, chocolates, breakfast and lunch at work; and he assures me of his faithfulness (telling me about how he evades women who try to get onto him i.e. one time he was at Musikahan).


• He is really serious with me and is not just into meaningless pursuits (he introduced me to his family and tells his friends and coworkers about me).


• He is a gentleman and is actually conservative (he carries heavy stuffs, opens doors, holds my hand, walks at the danger zone, and told me last Saturday to wear shorts cuz my dress during the retreat was a bit flimsy).


• He is protective of how his family may perceive me (His mom is here and wants to spend as much time with him as possible, so he said that he will do as his mom says. This way, his mom will not see me as competition).


• He is really serious with his singing (joining a contest next month, and planning to join American Idol next season!!!)


• He is lovable (he makes me feel loved, needed, beautiful, and precious. I tell myself that all these I know because God told me so. But for him to see that, and treat me as I deserve to be treated…that is what makes him different. Should I compare? Maybe I should not, especially because it is too early. But at this time, that is something added to the essentials on my list. That is something that my partner should be able to consistently exhibit during our relationship).

Did I learn from my previous mistakes?

During the retreat, I faced the Lord with the recent decision I made. With this relationship now taking place, I asked the Lord what he wanted me to do. Simply this…to offer our bodies as living sacrifices to the Lord…to let Him take center stage in our relationship…and to take things slow and make things always right before Him (things that did not transpire with my previous relationships). The Lord promises that He will bless it if we follow His commandments.

I do not want to take a messianic attitude. I do invite him to attend church activities. In time, I believe he will attend. Right now, I just know that I have loved and lost…and survived. I thought I could not love again. With the recent heartache, God is still working in me. I know I am a better person because I know that I now love myself more. I know that I should never settle because God wants the best for me. I know I should be firm with my decisions, especially ones that I make with the Lord. So now I continue to have the attitude of prayer with my new relationship. This way, God can lead me and reveal to me His will. I want to be in stride with the Lord as I walk towards my goal.

I once lost all hope in being able to love again, but I now find hope in the Lord. I know not if he has come at the right time of my life. I do not know what the Lord has in mind about us. With my decision to move on and to love him, I can hope in a limitless God…where possibilities of love can come in unexpected packages…even right after a major heartbreak…while still on the road to complete healing…and when our faith relies on a promise of a heaven where all things are in place.

Brothers and sisters, I can’t consider myself a winner yet. This is what I do: I don’t look back, I lengthen my stride, and I run straight toward the goal to win the prize that God’s heavenly call offers in Christ Jesus. - Phil 3:13-14

Idle Thoughts of Him

I see him sincere and always wanting to make me happy.
He makes me feel beautiful and precious.
Even when he’s tired, he shows me he cares.
Maybe he does want to start a new chapter with me.
Why should I not trust his offering?

He asked, "Am I not deserving?" but respects my need for time.
He said he does not play and wants us to be exclusive.
He sings me songs till he melts my heart each day.
He understands my fears for I want to decide apart from feeling.
Could this be a risk worth taking?

One night, he counted my pulse rate: normal but fast.
I know little about the field of medicine.
But I just know that he would find out…it was nerve-racking!
He introduced me to his family though it was too early for such.
I came because it meant a lot to him – to make him happy.

We share an intimacy and honesty only old friendships attain.
I can listen to his sharing…his singing…his laughter all night long.
He is part of my life now…more like a good habit.
With him, I can be both strong and vulnerable.
Even when we fall silent together, he puts me right at ease.

He reminds me of lazy afternoons at our hammock back home.
He is lemonade after life has thrown me lemons.
So with all my might I pray to God for what’s in store for us…
That with each discovery, we could accept and enjoy each other.
Perhaps we can hope for a ride of a lifetime.

Rise

The other day I found myself wondering...
It is already the month of May...
The tears are all dried up...
And the pain still comes every now and then...
But God assures me...
Just because people treat you like trash...
Doesn't define who you are...
You are my beloved daughter...
You are precious in my eyes...
I will make you soar like an eagle...
You will shine and become victorious...
Everything will be all right.

"But you will not even need to fight.
Take your positions; then stand still
and watch the Lord’s victory." - 2 Chronicles 20:17

This song captures it all...

Rise by Gabrielle

I know that it's over.
That I can't believe we're through.
They say that time's a healer.
Yeah.And I'm better without you.

It's gonna take time I know,
But I'll get over you.

Look in my life.
Look in my heart.
I have seen them fall apart.
Now I'm ready to rise again.
Just look in my hopes.
Look at my dreams building

bridges from these scenes.
Now, I'm ready to rise again.

Caught up in my thinking.
Yeah.
Like a prisoner in my mind.
You pose so many questions.
But, the truth was hard to find.

I better think twice I know
that I'll get over you.

Look in my life.
Look in my heart.
I have seen them fall apart.
Now I'm ready to rise again.
Just look in my hopes.
Look in my dreams building
bridges from these scenes.
Now, I'm ready to rise again.

Much time has passed between us.
Mmm.
Do you still think of me at all?
My world of broken promises.
Now, you won't catch me when I fall.

Look in my life.
Look in my heart.
I have seen them fall apart.
Now I'm ready to rise again.
Just look in my hopes.
Look at my dreams building
bridges from these scenes.
Now, I'm ready to rise again.

Yes, I'm gonna rise, and make it all right,
I'm going to be who I want to be, yeah baby.
Yeah. Yeah.
I'm going to make it all right.
I'm going to make it all right.

The Little Big Boy

He was fashionably late; he claimed he had an errand.
We went to PF Chang's over at The Pike.
He stated a number to the welcome party there.
To my surprise, he made prior reservations (impressive!).

We were seated at a nice booth with a cozy couch.
He asked me to order for him (I was not used to that at all).
But when we decided on our order,
He was the one who stated our order (nice!).

When the starters came,
I asked if he prayed before meals.
This was gonna make or break it.
He was either gonna accept me as me, or not.

He said he always prays before meals.
Which often caught his lunch buddies offguard.
I asked him to lead the prayer.
And he gladly said grace.

We talked about his work, family, and interests.
He is with a family of musicians, and music is his outlet.
He is very passionate about his work.
He keeps his weight down by playing basketball.

He was part of a band, where he learned how to smoke (oops!)
But he surprisingly did not light a single cigarette the whole time.
Neither did his car smell of cigar stench.
He also showed his picture with chin-length hair (no way!).

Like me, he can down a lot of beer and not get drunk.
He has been serving in the church since third grade.
He misses his brothers and mom.
He loves to cook, and prefers seafood and pork.

We walked around the bay.
He was not bringing a jacket so we dared not go far.
I came up with a three question game
I had one rule: No duplicate questions.

"What gets you excited?" (he took a long time to answer)
He finally answered sneaking out.
What one thing would you not want me to know about you?
He used to weigh 250 lbs at 5'11.5" in height.

"Would someone get hurt or angry if she found out you were out dating now?"
He had a long-distance girlfriend and they are no longer together.
He said it was hard for them both, it's been on and off since mid last year.
He said it was a mutual decision to finally end it.

He asked me "What ticks you off?"
I answered, "Guys who are so full of themselves"
"Where do you want me to kiss you tonight?"
I slapped his arm and said, "My hand." (naughty eh!?)

We watched Iron Man (he purchased tickets online!).
It was really exciting to watch with him.
He was always looking at how I reacted.
And I almost got ticklish whenever he whispered in my ear.

At his car, he played Iris from Googoo Dolls.
It's the same song he sang for me when we first met.
He asked me his 3rd question, "You know why I was late?"
"I had to go to Disney World," and handed me a giant stuffed toy.

I laughed and said, "It's been ages since I got a stuffed toy!"
The story behind: He once asked me if I liked muscled men.
I told him, "I think baby fat, huggable guys are cute.
So he said he liked Garfield, and I said I liked Winnie the Pooh.

Then he drove me home and walked me to the front door.
And he could not look me in the eye (funny little boy!)
Then I asked him, "Ask me the question again." (And he couldn't!)
I said, "Just at the cheek." And he kissed me at the cheek. (Oh sweetness!)

Trusting God’s No

My mom raised me to be independent, even when I was young.
I was always very active in sports, training after school hours.
My first time away from home was when I was 12 years old due to a tournament.
I enrolled myself in self-defense classes, swimming lessons, and fitness programs.
I developed and followed my own exercise routine till now.

Naturally, I became a person who always insisted on what I wanted.
I was not the type to back down on any argument.
Whenever someone opposed my two cents, I would be on the defensive.
The corporate world also taught me how to get the buy-in of management.
This in turn enabled me to influence employees’ stand on certain issues.

I prayed that the Lord grant me a visa to travel to the US, and got one.
I prayed that I get a new car after college graduation, and my mom gave me one.
I prayed that I pass an exam or deliver a presentation well, and did.
For a while, I became confident of my enhanced skill.
I seemed to get what I want when I prayed for it, or even when I didn’t.

Until one time that I sincerely prayed for my potential partner in life.
He did to me all things that would make me despise him.
All my family and friends told me to not take him back, but I did.
The Lord revealed to me that he was not the man he wanted for me.
But even when God set up roadblocks, I insisted on my own will.

Waiting was not an option, it meant suffering - else, it meant defeat.
I told myself, "Bargain with the Lord so He could change the man you loved."
Yet God told me that He has given us the free will to allow Him inside or not.
And that if I trusted in His great plan for me, then I can someday thank Him for His no.
It was an answered prayer all the same, just packaged differently.

God is still working on answering my prayer for that potential partner.
What is important is I glorify Him in the suffering, and allow Him to heal me.
I no longer walk in the shadow of my past achievements and defeats.
God has emptied me that I may be confident instead on what He can do for me.
So I am filled with joy knowing that God has a promise waiting to be fulfilled.

"Our troubles are slight and short-lived, and their outcome an eternal glory
which outweighs them far. Meanwhile our eyes are fixed,
not on the things that are seen, but on the things that are unseen." (2 Cor 4:17, 18 NEB).

Making Music Together

We played the guitar together, putting joy to my heart.
He struggled to sing me his composition.
To me, it was perfect because he gave his best.
I loved watching him play while I did the singing.
He listened to a song once and knew how to play it.

We praised God in church through our music.
We served the church with our music.
He led in playing every song, I simply followed.
I had a different style, but his sounded better.
Through it, I learned how to support and submit.

Humility was never an issue for me.
He subjected me to torture with his infidelity.
I accepted him believing it was momentary.
He said I fit into his essentials, and I was his love.
But he was confused and continued juggling.

I told him I loved him despite the wrong he did me.
He asked for forgiveness, but he continued to err.
He asked for time to let the other go at his convenience,
He soon made me see, he no longer loved me.
The music we played together was going out of sync.

In sorrow, I prayed again to God for strength.
Why settle when God had someone better in mind?
With this prayer came another revelation,
I found proof that he was still in darkness.
The music faded. But all will soon be well.

Can You Be a Wild Card?

You said you're sorry and you would never do it again.
You said the other woman just came on to you and you could not resist.
You said I am the one you love, not her.
You said she does not fit your essentials; I am your perfect match.
You said you would take me with you from now on.
You said you would leave her; just waiting for the perfect time to avoid a scandal.
You said God told you to choose me.

How can you ever make up for the lost time?
How can you make it work between us?
How can you make up your mind when you are together with us both?
How can you be trusted again?
How can you prove to me everyday that I am the only one?
How can you assure me without getting tired?
How can you ease the pain?

How can I live a day not wondering if you looked at her while at work?
How can I feel secure in your arms when you have fallen while you were with God?
How can I dream a future with you after the pain you have caused me?
How can I believe when all you've been doing is lying to me?
How can I love you still when all the tears have already dried up?
How can I accept you when you have been unfaithful to me more than once?
How can I forget that you once chose to hurt me even when you choose me now?

Cutting the Chain of Ungrace

A mother allowed her son to take drugs at a young age.
One day, she left her children after much physical abuse.
She went to a foreign land and made a life of her own.
Her children had questions, and yearned to be with her.
The children pushed it to their subconscious but not for long.

The youngest child was left to take care of herself.
The son continued his experimentation.
The youngest child had an opportunity to be with her mom.
The son became close to his father because he had no one else.
The youngest child did much better, the son is the weaker sex.

The son met God and turned his life around.
He left his live-in partner, and stopped using drugs.
He led a group of men and women to love the Lord.
Until he had an opportunity to be with his mom.
But a young woman from church whom he liked would not give her heart.

He finally reunited with his mom and sister and started anew.
Serving at church, he met a woman he thought would make a good wife.
But he continued to write to the young woman back home and won her heart.
Till he said to himself, "Wouldn't three be nice?"
So he pursued a third woman at work, younger than the rest.

He finally had all three women under his spell.
The one who loved him the most, he made her hope for a future.
The one he left in the Philippines, he once in a while wrote.
The one he loved the latest, he chose to live with.
The Lord put under the light all his deception.

He chose to be a victim of his past experiences.
He does not physically abuse, but the pain he inflicts is greater.
He has run out of excuses, he was just like his father.
He deserves no one among the three women, but one of them stayed.
He has not known love, the chain of ungrace remains uncut.

The one who loved him the most, he left and loved as he pleased.
The one who loved him the most, he fooled the longest.
The one who loved him the most lifts it all up to a God who is able.
The one who loved him the most is under the Lord's care.
The one who loved him the most wishes she did not love him still.

Praying My Goodbyes

For about four months, I have been deceived.
He juggled between three love affairs.
For months I tried to keep the relationship going.
I gambled on love and lost.

I negotiated with the Lord many times.
I thought to myself if I took a chance on our love,
There will no longer be room for what ifs and maybes.
I fell in love, but I also failed in it.

It is true that one knows once something isn't quite right.
I felt it but tried to understand.
I allowed him to abuse me.
I loved him too much to let go.

I faltered at my decision in ending our relationship.
He kept putting false hopes in my heart.
I accepted him despite how desolate he left me.
I prayed to God that He change him to be the man I met.

God sent me angels to pray with me.
They all said the same thing about how wrong he is for me.
And when the prayers I prayed where no longer apt.
They uttered the right prayers that I could not utter.

I prayed that I could no longer wait and hope for nothing.
I prayed "Lord, further pain may break me."
I prayed for concrete leadings and dead ends.
I prayed that he would spell for me YES or NO.

Within a week's time, God revealed to me.
The man I loved chose darkness and he was taking me with him.
God showed me two other women who were deceived like me.
The love was not worth fighting for.

Today, I could not even bring myself to grieve.
There is such joy in the morning.
God allowed me to lose everything so I could gain Him.
Forever I will sing of Your goodness, Lord!

Glorious Exits

When he said for me to wait 'cause he'll come back,
When he made me hope with I miss you's and I will see you soon,
When he kissed me again when we saw each other,
What does it mean?

When he said there was no other and he's not such a man,
When he denied that he was back at his past bad habits,
When he lied again that he could not see me because of work,
What am I to think?

When everything now tells me he loves me no more,
When my tears are dried up, and it seems he'll rejoice,
When my love for him wanes till I can make it on my own,
Why can't he just say it straight?

Is he just pulling my leg or just preserving his ego?
Why can't he just let me cry all at one time?
When is it ever kinder to break someone's heart gently?
What glory is there in exiting your loved one's life?

Hard times hit and left me crying to God in my lenten plight.
Jesus is more alive in my heart as I shared with Him this pain.
God sent loved ones to comfort and pray and guide.
Lord, with my surrender, may I have a glorious exit heaven-bound.

The Grace to Say "No More"

He was a potential partner.
He started with many love affairs: with God, with his brothers, and with me. He had such great training, was a born leader, and had everything going well for him in every area of his life. He had some four surprises for me I would never forget: two times he bought me something, and two surprise visits.

Loving him is never wrong.
Even when I began noticing the changes in him, I had to be patient, I had to be more understanding, I had to work it out with him. I loved him despite his shortcomings. I was always overwhelmed with glee when he tried to make it up to me. The love I gave away, I gave fully. For love shared is never wasted. Even though the love that is real is only one-sided. I just knew that I loved. And by that love that I chose to give, I found joy. So even when I am now hurting, I could never regret loving.

Why the change - this remains unanswered.
Slowly he drifted away from God. He changed and started a web of lies. He lost all the things that mattered to him. He became a lost soul. Suddenly, he was the only one who knew about the plan for our future. Or maybe he just didn't know what they really were. This is because he was not ready, contrary to what he made me believe. He didn't know what he wanted. He had forgotten my value. He simply saw that I loved him too much. He knows I would always forgive him.

The man he used to be is history.
Despite all my concerns, he continued to drag me down. I found no peace as months wore on. He drained what little joy was left in our relationship. He failed to make me see the promise in him which was there when we started.

A love that was lost.
He had too many plans that had to go first. I was the least of his priorities, but just was not man enough to admit it. He kept pulling my leg. He kept failing at keeping his promises. He kept hiding things from me: his schedule, his whereabouts, his doings, and his wrongdoings. He was no longer showing me his thoughtfulness, forgot about his commitments, drank too much alcohol, started to go in and out of my life as he pleased, and continued to abandon me. All the while, he pressed me to believe and to wait. Though I was always quick to love and forgive, he was quick to dismiss me. He was almost eager to do the same thing to me everytime. It was just a one-way street. It seemed he did not want to let go, and yet he was just waiting to be set free. He wanted for me to keep on believing in him, when he could not even find his own self.

Time heals all wounds.
So even when I am nursing a broken heart, I also rejoice. For in my suffering, I discovered a loving God who promises to be my strength and comfort. In the process of breaking, I discover more love willingly given by family, friends, and spiritual partners.

Prayers do move mountains.
I pray for joy that comes from God alone. I have hope in the Lord. For all things work for good for those who love the Lord and are called according to His purpose (Ro 8:28).

I pray that I will one day be fully healed, and can go back to this ordeal one day with a victorious laugh. May He never find me lacking in my singleness now, which I offer back to Him. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me (Phil 4:13).

I look back and pray for him who hurt me. I choose not to question him nor the Lord. I choose not to judge Him for God alone is perfect. The Lord, in all His mercy and faithfulness, will be with him in his own pain.

May I recover from this pain soon. May I one day find it in my heart to love again, in the best way that I was with him. May my fears be melted away, and may I find security once again in the arms of one who is worth fighting for, one who finds worth in me to fight for me. Even though I once said, "No more."

Lies, Lies, Lies

I saw the worst in me.
Learned to doubt my principles.
Believed the problem was with me.
With the stories tied together.
You had everyone under your finger.

Too many inconsistencies I let slide.
Out of my love, I was too blind.
With all the working outs,
The tears you wiped.
A creative mind you formed indeed.

You were smitten by someone else.
Or was it something else?
Fought for our love for nothing.
Even went a little crazy.
Hoping it's all worth fighting for.

Was just your second fiddle.
You told me lies, lies, lies.
A minute too long would cause more pain.
You don't know what you want.
You don't know what you got.

You lost my trust.
Even with all my love,
I cannot find faith in our future.
How could you lie to your "love"?
No more why's, just plain facts.

These are little things,
But you cannot be trusted.
You are my brother in faith.
So I took your word.
I thought I was sure with you.

You were supposed to support me.
You were supposed to add some joy.
You were supposed to respect me.
You were supposed to be honest.
You were supposed to lead our love home.

I don't know where else to turn.
I need a love that's forever.
I need a shoulder to cry on.
I need the strength to move mountains.
Lord, count my tears.

Make me whole, I beg you.
Take me back to that time.
When I knew who I was - before him.
Else claim all that's left in me.
Grant me the grace to say farewell.

Free Spirits

You started out interesting,
Thought it made things more exciting.
Boredom was not an option,
Our similarity made it possible.

Ours was a promising partnership,
Chemistry factor was undeniable.
Your love for God nailed it,
A match made in heaven it could be.

After barely months together,
You started to show little interest.
Everything else came first,
A free spirit you remained.

I myself am a free spirit,
But chose to change with commitment.
I expected reciprocation,
Yet you went your own way.

Despite the demands I aired,
I kept getting neglected.
The free spirit in you I loved,
Now raised more questions about our future.

Silenced for my impatience,
You said "Trust it will get better."
Perhaps staying meant working it out,
Forgiving meant seeing you through.

If we were to overcome this stage,
The love may last a lifetime.
If we were not,
At least my part I have done.

Concrete Expressions of God's Love

Having been brought up with a lot of brokenness,
Our family only said I love you over the phone or through a letter.
Mama had the most influence in my life.
Good memories of my tatang stopped 15 years ago.

Whenever I made overseas calls, tatang was never home.
About 11 months being separated, we never conversed.
Till I saw no need to ask for him to get on the phone,
And we became even more absent in each other's lives.

A recent heartbreak caused me to go down on my knees.
Life away from home has been really rough for me.
All I could do is pray to the mountains,
I need concrete expressions of Your love for me.

Tatang was grieving a close relative's death.
But what saddened me is news about his health which is failing.
I called home and amazingly heard tatang's voice in the background.
Once he heard it was I on the phone, he grabbed the receiver.

In a gruff voice, he said "Hi baby!"
I could not believe the change in his voice, tatang is aging.
We talked a little, but it was a good memory.
The Father's love, I could see.

He was grieving, I was lonely.
Though we did not talk about it, it was enough.
God used a significant man in my life to show me I mattered.
My father (in heaven and on earth) loves me.

God is the Faithful One

You said, “You are the answer to my prayers.”
I will take care of you.
You had no money, only had love to offer.
Your honesty won my heart.

We made plans for the future.
You gave me about a day a week.
An extra day was a treat.
My love grew as much as our dreams.

One day, you started giving less.
I asked for time, you said you’d work on it.
You fell many times, I was quick to forget.
Cu’z you said everything will be all right.

You hurt me. Little by little, you left me.
You promised you’d change.
'Guess you never meant a word.
Still the same mistake, I lost count.

Lies, secrets, lost time and accountability.
You hid from me like I was an angry mob.
I could have had some dignity left.
You could have just asked me to go away.

The Lord said "I will count your tears.
I will love you even when no one does."
I pray, "Give me, Lord, your heavenly strength."
Or I beg you, just make the pain go away."

The favors of the Lord are not exhausted, his mercies are not spent; They are renewed each morning, so great is his faithfulness. - La 3:22-23

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted, saves those whose spirit is crushed. - Ps 34:19

How does one?

He asked so much of me.
He held me strong in his arms.
Helped me see brighter days when life hit me hard.
So many times, he showed signs.
Yet I believed. I loved. He’s just right.

He’s the reason I stayed, the reason I gave.
Thought he deserved my love.
He’s the reason for my pain.
Thought our love was worth it.
Wish I could say, “It’s over. I can.”

I should’ve seen it coming.
He was the last man for me.
I was a fool, he could be better.
He said our love was forever.
He made me believe. I loved. So wrong.

He said not to compare.
So I said maybe it’s real.
But I made the same mistake.
God, this is twice the pain.
Oh I believed. I loved. Too much.

How does one stop from caring?
How does one stop from going crazy?
How does one sleep at night?
How does one believe once more?
How does one stop the tears from falling?
How does one learn to kneel and pray?
How does one love herself again?
How does one start all over?

He’s the reason I stayed, the reason I gave.
So much, too much of what he deserves.
He’s the reason for my pain.
Thought our love was worth it.
Wish I could say “It’s over. I can.”
Help me believe I'll make it right again.