The Overcome Inspiration

I am inspired. I heard this song entitled Overcome. But a song is just a pointless melody if it is without a story: Overcome Song Story. The video of the song: Overcome.

Sing to the Lord. The New Life church saw that God is real despite the many tragedies that happened to them. Whether in stormy waters, spiritual drought, or joyful moments, we can sing our own beautiful anthems to the Lord.

God is near. I ponder on these words and see that the word come is associated with drawing near to, or coming into contact with someone. God sent many prophet – and even showed Himself to some of them – so as to speak to His people. God saw that that wasn’t enough, so He sent a Son named Emmanuel, which meant God is with us.

He overcame. He did not just come…He overcame. What do I know in the last 10 years that keep me coming back to God in prayer or in service? That I am made right before Him through the blood of His Son. With this knowledge, the only appropriate response is to say yes to Him whatever the cost, to do right despite the worldly ways that tempt me, and to persevere moreso if it reaches to a point of desperation - where everything around me compels me to believe that He has forsaken me.

I've come into full circle. Many say that to follow the Lord, one needs to turn 180 degrees. I have my own interpretation of the life that I now lead. It is coming to terms with everything around me and me personally changing how I deal with these things. I may go 180 degrees but a bend in the road may get me back to the same circumstances that tell me to just go with the flow. So I think I have come into full circle. There is nothing in this world that can change who God is, who I am to Him, and who He is to me.

It is done. I delight in the same God who has given us His breath, His promise, and His character…the Holy Spirit. With His power, what can we not overcome? If God is the Alpha (and He is), then we know how this will end (He still is).

Title: Overcome/Author: Jon Egan/Artist: Desperation Band

Seated above, enthroned in the Father's love. Destined to die, poured out for all mankind. God's only son perfect and spotless one. He never sinned, but suffered as if he did.

All authority, every victory is Yours. All authority, every victory is Yours.

Savior, worthy of honor and glory, worthy of all our praise, You overcame. Jesus, awesome in power forever, awesome and great is Your name, You overcame.

Power in hand speaking the Father's plan. You're sending us out, light in this broken land.

We will overcome by the blood of the Lamb. And the word of our testimony, everyone overcome.

This is my story. This is my song. Praising my Savior. All the day long.

Un-prodigal Me

I am moved by this article. It talks about how God can make something good out of painful situations. It talks about the feeling of unworthiness when we have sinned.

Yesterday, I studied the Parable of the Prodigal Son. Popularly known for the love of a (prodigal) father, I picked up the lesson on the attitudes of the two brothers. Much as I realize that I am redeemed and now bask in the Lord's untiring love for me, the barely healed hurts in my heart cloud my perception of God's encompassing love and mercy. I am guilty of wondering what good can turn out of the people who have done me evil and pain. If at all, perhaps the experiences have allowed me to see that God is my comforter, that I can help others in the same situation, and that I am tougher than before. But as to how loving God should be to those who did such evil, I could not fathom. My mind tells me not to even pray for them, after all they have done.

I have become like the older brother in the parable. I come to God and tell Him, "Lord, show them who You are...that all things work for good for those who love You (Ro 8:28)." But the following article tells me that everything that happens is part of God's plan. It is not right for me to put Him in a box. That God is merciful and generous to all His children, and that none of us deserves more than the other. To be blessed at all is supposed to make me grateful. That just because I am now walking in the light does not mean that God should bless me more. That just because another sinner did more or did worse does not mean that God should spare him less than He spared me. God can still transform anyone who comes to Him with a repentant heart. Forgive me, Lord, for I have sinned.

Transforming Power by Elisabeth Elliot

If God is almighty, there can be no evil so great as to be beyond His power to transform. That transforming power brings light out of darkness, joy out of sorrow, gain out of loss, life out of death.

Sometimes we boggle at the evil in the world and especially in ourselves, feeling that this sin, this tragedy, this offense cannot possibly fit into a pattern for good. Let us remember Joseph's imprisonment, David's sin, Paul's violent persecution of Christians, Peter's denial of his Master. None of it was beyond the power of grace to redeem and turn into something productive. The God who establishes the shoreline for the sea also decides the limits of the great mystery which is evil. He is "the Blessed Controller of all things." God will finally be God, Satan's best efforts notwithstanding.

"Because it’s the only way to grow spiritually and be emotionally healthy. The Bible says, 'Make this your common practice: Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you can live together whole and healed.'" - James 5:16

Thirty Years in the Making

This is long overdue. It was supposed to be my birthday blog entry, thus the title. I also played the acoustic background music (and guess who sang in it!) in the 2nd slide entitled "Why Present?". I still have two of the slide's timing off and the volume can get a bit low in some slides. But I may not find time to edit this. As it is, I already used multiple softwares to create/edit the sound and the video. Also, I only used an unregistered software for the PPS to WMV conversion (unless you could recommend a different software). Dami ko pa sinabe noh? Enjoy!

PART 1 OF 3:


PART 2 OF 3:


PART 3 OF 3:

Outcry

I tried hard not to fall for him again.
I drank too much when he came to see me.
But I woke up to a place where sin can start again.
I thought I saw love, longing, and hope in his eyes.
Only to find passion and lust masquerading.

He came back and reclaimed my heart.
Oh! The same old story, but I did not see it coming.
After promises of love and fidelity.
And convincing me to let the new one go.
Once again, he left me cold.

Why be so cruel that he would not let me heal?
Why did I let him trick me once again?
What evil lurks within one’s soul?
As to cause the slowest death unto my being?
When will I ever see that he is cause for misery?

Can he not let me be…happy and content?
Why do I allow him to cause me more pain?
When will I ever find the strength to say no?
Where can I run so my heart will just harden?
Do I have any loved ones left to protect me?

When I am not myself, please shake me.
When he comes near me, please cover me.
When I could not stop crying, please accept me.
When I am alone, please intercede for me.
When I see no hope, Lord, have mercy on me.

Not Smitten Enough

You serenaded me on our first meeting.
You gave me three white roses and a drink.
You impressed my friends with the finest serving.
You never left my side since then.

You once brought me breakfast and lunch at work.
You surprised me with a visit at church and Ferrero!
You gave me the most beautiful flowers I'd ever seen.
You bought a healthy sandwich for a health-conscious me.

You are one true gentleman - yes, I've noticed.
You make me feel important, loved, and needed.
You inspire me to be me, and perhaps to be a better me.
Should I believe this is the right time for us?

You assure me of faithfulness, even when I do not doubt.
You care for me like there's no tomorrow.
You have faith that can take us places.
Why can't your heart cradle mine?

Why am I not smitten with your pleasantry and style…
When it must be right? You must be right.
What else could you possibly do to win me over?
Maybe nothing, I just am not ready for love.

Trusting God’s No

My mom raised me to be independent, even when I was young.
I was always very active in sports, training after school hours.
My first time away from home was when I was 12 years old due to a tournament.
I enrolled myself in self-defense classes, swimming lessons, and fitness programs.
I developed and followed my own exercise routine till now.

Naturally, I became a person who always insisted on what I wanted.
I was not the type to back down on any argument.
Whenever someone opposed my two cents, I would be on the defensive.
The corporate world also taught me how to get the buy-in of management.
This in turn enabled me to influence employees’ stand on certain issues.

I prayed that the Lord grant me a visa to travel to the US, and got one.
I prayed that I get a new car after college graduation, and my mom gave me one.
I prayed that I pass an exam or deliver a presentation well, and did.
For a while, I became confident of my enhanced skill.
I seemed to get what I want when I prayed for it, or even when I didn’t.

Until one time that I sincerely prayed for my potential partner in life.
He did to me all things that would make me despise him.
All my family and friends told me to not take him back, but I did.
The Lord revealed to me that he was not the man he wanted for me.
But even when God set up roadblocks, I insisted on my own will.

Waiting was not an option, it meant suffering - else, it meant defeat.
I told myself, "Bargain with the Lord so He could change the man you loved."
Yet God told me that He has given us the free will to allow Him inside or not.
And that if I trusted in His great plan for me, then I can someday thank Him for His no.
It was an answered prayer all the same, just packaged differently.

God is still working on answering my prayer for that potential partner.
What is important is I glorify Him in the suffering, and allow Him to heal me.
I no longer walk in the shadow of my past achievements and defeats.
God has emptied me that I may be confident instead on what He can do for me.
So I am filled with joy knowing that God has a promise waiting to be fulfilled.

"Our troubles are slight and short-lived, and their outcome an eternal glory
which outweighs them far. Meanwhile our eyes are fixed,
not on the things that are seen, but on the things that are unseen." (2 Cor 4:17, 18 NEB).

Making Music Together

We played the guitar together, putting joy to my heart.
He struggled to sing me his composition.
To me, it was perfect because he gave his best.
I loved watching him play while I did the singing.
He listened to a song once and knew how to play it.

We praised God in church through our music.
We served the church with our music.
He led in playing every song, I simply followed.
I had a different style, but his sounded better.
Through it, I learned how to support and submit.

Humility was never an issue for me.
He subjected me to torture with his infidelity.
I accepted him believing it was momentary.
He said I fit into his essentials, and I was his love.
But he was confused and continued juggling.

I told him I loved him despite the wrong he did me.
He asked for forgiveness, but he continued to err.
He asked for time to let the other go at his convenience,
He soon made me see, he no longer loved me.
The music we played together was going out of sync.

In sorrow, I prayed again to God for strength.
Why settle when God had someone better in mind?
With this prayer came another revelation,
I found proof that he was still in darkness.
The music faded. But all will soon be well.

Can You Be a Wild Card?

You said you're sorry and you would never do it again.
You said the other woman just came on to you and you could not resist.
You said I am the one you love, not her.
You said she does not fit your essentials; I am your perfect match.
You said you would take me with you from now on.
You said you would leave her; just waiting for the perfect time to avoid a scandal.
You said God told you to choose me.

How can you ever make up for the lost time?
How can you make it work between us?
How can you make up your mind when you are together with us both?
How can you be trusted again?
How can you prove to me everyday that I am the only one?
How can you assure me without getting tired?
How can you ease the pain?

How can I live a day not wondering if you looked at her while at work?
How can I feel secure in your arms when you have fallen while you were with God?
How can I dream a future with you after the pain you have caused me?
How can I believe when all you've been doing is lying to me?
How can I love you still when all the tears have already dried up?
How can I accept you when you have been unfaithful to me more than once?
How can I forget that you once chose to hurt me even when you choose me now?

Glorious Exits

When he said for me to wait 'cause he'll come back,
When he made me hope with I miss you's and I will see you soon,
When he kissed me again when we saw each other,
What does it mean?

When he said there was no other and he's not such a man,
When he denied that he was back at his past bad habits,
When he lied again that he could not see me because of work,
What am I to think?

When everything now tells me he loves me no more,
When my tears are dried up, and it seems he'll rejoice,
When my love for him wanes till I can make it on my own,
Why can't he just say it straight?

Is he just pulling my leg or just preserving his ego?
Why can't he just let me cry all at one time?
When is it ever kinder to break someone's heart gently?
What glory is there in exiting your loved one's life?

Hard times hit and left me crying to God in my lenten plight.
Jesus is more alive in my heart as I shared with Him this pain.
God sent loved ones to comfort and pray and guide.
Lord, with my surrender, may I have a glorious exit heaven-bound.

The Grace to Say "No More"

He was a potential partner.
He started with many love affairs: with God, with his brothers, and with me. He had such great training, was a born leader, and had everything going well for him in every area of his life. He had some four surprises for me I would never forget: two times he bought me something, and two surprise visits.

Loving him is never wrong.
Even when I began noticing the changes in him, I had to be patient, I had to be more understanding, I had to work it out with him. I loved him despite his shortcomings. I was always overwhelmed with glee when he tried to make it up to me. The love I gave away, I gave fully. For love shared is never wasted. Even though the love that is real is only one-sided. I just knew that I loved. And by that love that I chose to give, I found joy. So even when I am now hurting, I could never regret loving.

Why the change - this remains unanswered.
Slowly he drifted away from God. He changed and started a web of lies. He lost all the things that mattered to him. He became a lost soul. Suddenly, he was the only one who knew about the plan for our future. Or maybe he just didn't know what they really were. This is because he was not ready, contrary to what he made me believe. He didn't know what he wanted. He had forgotten my value. He simply saw that I loved him too much. He knows I would always forgive him.

The man he used to be is history.
Despite all my concerns, he continued to drag me down. I found no peace as months wore on. He drained what little joy was left in our relationship. He failed to make me see the promise in him which was there when we started.

A love that was lost.
He had too many plans that had to go first. I was the least of his priorities, but just was not man enough to admit it. He kept pulling my leg. He kept failing at keeping his promises. He kept hiding things from me: his schedule, his whereabouts, his doings, and his wrongdoings. He was no longer showing me his thoughtfulness, forgot about his commitments, drank too much alcohol, started to go in and out of my life as he pleased, and continued to abandon me. All the while, he pressed me to believe and to wait. Though I was always quick to love and forgive, he was quick to dismiss me. He was almost eager to do the same thing to me everytime. It was just a one-way street. It seemed he did not want to let go, and yet he was just waiting to be set free. He wanted for me to keep on believing in him, when he could not even find his own self.

Time heals all wounds.
So even when I am nursing a broken heart, I also rejoice. For in my suffering, I discovered a loving God who promises to be my strength and comfort. In the process of breaking, I discover more love willingly given by family, friends, and spiritual partners.

Prayers do move mountains.
I pray for joy that comes from God alone. I have hope in the Lord. For all things work for good for those who love the Lord and are called according to His purpose (Ro 8:28).

I pray that I will one day be fully healed, and can go back to this ordeal one day with a victorious laugh. May He never find me lacking in my singleness now, which I offer back to Him. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me (Phil 4:13).

I look back and pray for him who hurt me. I choose not to question him nor the Lord. I choose not to judge Him for God alone is perfect. The Lord, in all His mercy and faithfulness, will be with him in his own pain.

May I recover from this pain soon. May I one day find it in my heart to love again, in the best way that I was with him. May my fears be melted away, and may I find security once again in the arms of one who is worth fighting for, one who finds worth in me to fight for me. Even though I once said, "No more."

Lies, Lies, Lies

I saw the worst in me.
Learned to doubt my principles.
Believed the problem was with me.
With the stories tied together.
You had everyone under your finger.

Too many inconsistencies I let slide.
Out of my love, I was too blind.
With all the working outs,
The tears you wiped.
A creative mind you formed indeed.

You were smitten by someone else.
Or was it something else?
Fought for our love for nothing.
Even went a little crazy.
Hoping it's all worth fighting for.

Was just your second fiddle.
You told me lies, lies, lies.
A minute too long would cause more pain.
You don't know what you want.
You don't know what you got.

You lost my trust.
Even with all my love,
I cannot find faith in our future.
How could you lie to your "love"?
No more why's, just plain facts.

These are little things,
But you cannot be trusted.
You are my brother in faith.
So I took your word.
I thought I was sure with you.

You were supposed to support me.
You were supposed to add some joy.
You were supposed to respect me.
You were supposed to be honest.
You were supposed to lead our love home.

I don't know where else to turn.
I need a love that's forever.
I need a shoulder to cry on.
I need the strength to move mountains.
Lord, count my tears.

Make me whole, I beg you.
Take me back to that time.
When I knew who I was - before him.
Else claim all that's left in me.
Grant me the grace to say farewell.

Free Spirits

You started out interesting,
Thought it made things more exciting.
Boredom was not an option,
Our similarity made it possible.

Ours was a promising partnership,
Chemistry factor was undeniable.
Your love for God nailed it,
A match made in heaven it could be.

After barely months together,
You started to show little interest.
Everything else came first,
A free spirit you remained.

I myself am a free spirit,
But chose to change with commitment.
I expected reciprocation,
Yet you went your own way.

Despite the demands I aired,
I kept getting neglected.
The free spirit in you I loved,
Now raised more questions about our future.

Silenced for my impatience,
You said "Trust it will get better."
Perhaps staying meant working it out,
Forgiving meant seeing you through.

If we were to overcome this stage,
The love may last a lifetime.
If we were not,
At least my part I have done.

How does one?

He asked so much of me.
He held me strong in his arms.
Helped me see brighter days when life hit me hard.
So many times, he showed signs.
Yet I believed. I loved. He’s just right.

He’s the reason I stayed, the reason I gave.
Thought he deserved my love.
He’s the reason for my pain.
Thought our love was worth it.
Wish I could say, “It’s over. I can.”

I should’ve seen it coming.
He was the last man for me.
I was a fool, he could be better.
He said our love was forever.
He made me believe. I loved. So wrong.

He said not to compare.
So I said maybe it’s real.
But I made the same mistake.
God, this is twice the pain.
Oh I believed. I loved. Too much.

How does one stop from caring?
How does one stop from going crazy?
How does one sleep at night?
How does one believe once more?
How does one stop the tears from falling?
How does one learn to kneel and pray?
How does one love herself again?
How does one start all over?

He’s the reason I stayed, the reason I gave.
So much, too much of what he deserves.
He’s the reason for my pain.
Thought our love was worth it.
Wish I could say “It’s over. I can.”
Help me believe I'll make it right again.

The Men in My Life

Before March 1999 – I had three serious boyfriends starting from my college freshmen years. I was never happy with them because they were not rich enough, loving enough, or intelligent enough. I never felt they deserved my commitment, and I left them without much explanation.

March 1999 to June 1999 – I loved Francis. With him, I decided that I was going to be a better person. I quit smoking and I grabbed a bible in National Bookstore. We talked marriage and kids, and I made him my world. In three months, I noticed certain things which made me feel that I was not the only woman in his life. The big blow: he admitted to me he was already married. Right then and there, I ended our relationship and went home to Pampanga.

August 1999 – I committed myself to Christ. This is supposed to be the part where I write longer. But there was nothing visual as that of the tongues of fire cut in half. Yet the Holy Spirit rested upon me and I experienced the power of the Holy Spirit through the gift of tongues. This, however, is not where I end victoriously.

May 2000 to sometime in 2002 – I met with Francis on several occasions. He said sorry, updated me on the status of his annulment, and I gave him a second chance. We tried to patch things up. What hindered me from becoming fruitful in my commitment to Christ was I still continued to see Francis. We were talking about trips around the world, and his plea for me to wait for him until he finishes the annulment case in about a year. But the Lord was already knocking on the door to my heart. There was no longer any desire for me to live in two worlds.

September 2001 – I ended my relationship and decided to attend the annual Lingkod national leadership training conference. I met a brother in that conference. He was the branch leader, and proved to be handsome inside and out.

October 2001 to October 2006 – The brother and I started getting to know each other. He would fly all the way to Makati to see me. We went to Baguio together, he visited me in Makati about 5 times, and spent two Christmases and New Years at my house. My family accepted him. We had an understanding that we were each other’s potential partner.

January 2002 – I realized that there are certain things in life that the brother had to fix before he could fully enter into a relationship with me. He had to discern whether he is called to serve as a single man for the Lord. This is called state of life discernment. He also faced his responsibilities as head of the family (his mom and sister were staying illegally in Canada and he needed to help them).

July 2002 – He went to Canada and an employer sponsored him because he is intelligent, is really good in Sales and Marketing, and has a degree in the medical field. I understood that he needed to establish himself there and help his family. But he said that he would go back to the Philippines and present himself before me again in September 2005 (in time for the Lingkod national leadership training conference. He sent me CDs, a book signed by the author Mitch Albom himself, and money by surprise. I had major upsets with my previous work, and he was virtually there just like when he was still in the Philippines.

Sometime after the brother left in 2002 – Francis told me about the community he has started attending. He was still trying to win me back. This has also kept me in constant struggle because I was not yet fully healed from the pain he caused me. I figured if he was causing me pain, then getting back with him would take away the pain. But I had a firmer grasp of God’s will for me, so I told him that I am already seeing someone else. I lied for my own sake, because I knew he would always have a way with words. I would always end up giving him another chance. But I thought to myself, he would stop contacting me if I was already seeing someone else. He did stop contacting me after that.

September 2004 – The brother financed my trip to Iloilo and registration fee to the Lingkod national leadership training conference.

August 2005 – I went to the US, and I got to chat on the phone with the brother almost everyday for about 2 weeks. He said he had to move his return to the Philippines to September 2006 because he still needed to switch jobs and build a bigger network for his new job. He also said that his sister was getting serious with a Canadian, and that his mom needed to go home to the Philippines to settle some property issues. It meant that he was going to be freed from his obligations.

However, our last phone conversation changed it all. He was throwing something in the air, "What if it became us?" I was caught off guard by his question cuz he was the one who caused so much delay already. So I just shrugged the thought of it and told him, "Well, it's not us." His mood changed, he came up with an excuse that he had to go and could not stay long on the phone, and didn’t call even until I went back to the Philippines. Since then, he barely kept in touch. At around the same time, an employer gave me the opportunity to work in the US. This was not attractive to me then cuz there was a lot going for me in AOL. Also, I hoped he was still going home September 2006.

September 2005 to March 2006 – My friends told me that he is no longer into me. This was a hard slap on my face. They made me realize that it was a stupid thing to reserve myself cuz in the first place, we never made a commitment before he left. I could not find any brother then that compared to him. I was unfair towards other suitors cuz I did not give them a chance at all. I was so into the brother after the traumatic experience I had with Francis that I thought he was God’s answer to my prayers. At the same time, I was already doing my job discernment (whether I was going to the US to work or staying in AOL).

March 2006 – I went back to the US. I kept on trying to reach the brother, but he never returned my calls. It was the saddest US trip ever. It was becoming clear to me that the special relationship we had was going nowhere.

September 2006 – The brother did not come home. At this time, I made my decision to move to the US to help pay the family debts.

October 8, 2006 – I was on a business trip in Cebu. I greeted the brother on his birthday and felt inclined to tell him about my decision to go to the US. I also wanted to put a closure on what we had because I had waited and hoped too long. I asked him why he had not kept his promise of going home, and why he has not been there for me for the longest time. His response: I have not been there for you. You deserve a better man. I was checked in ShangriLa Mactan and I stayed in my room crying my eyes out until there were no more tears left. It was painful that I have allowed myself to become emotionally attached to someone. I told myself that I have turned down so many brothers because I kept comparing them to a brother who had no plans in the future with me. How foolish I had been.

It did not take long before I was on my feet again. After the long wait for the brother, I simply had to grab hold of myself and say what difference would it make that I wait further. I have been technically alone since 2001. Yet, because I was preparing for a trip to the US, I still had to turn down suitors. It's hard enough trying to uproot myself from my country. I cannot commit to someone from the Philippines and maintain a long distance relationship. So the Lord told me to wait again.

March 22, 2007 – I waited at the airport because my mom was running late. I still could not believe I was in the U.S. to start anew.

March 26, 2007 – I began at a new job as a technician (what!?). I did mostly follow up calls and basic troubleshooting.

March 30, 2007 – I joined the COH prayer meeting for the first time. There was an Easter Egg Hunt game. Lucky me, I picked up an egg that had a question in it. That meant I had to share. So I did. Other sharers were a brother who called me often, and Omeng, who was a former branch leader in another Lingkod branch.

April - June 2007 – Two interested brothers, who were complete opposites, were trying to get my attention. One I considered just as a brother. The other, I was extremely interested in.

June 6, 2007 – They both expressed their desire to court me. Soon after, I began to see the downside of the first brother. He talked to everyone about me and had to tell him to stop pursuing me. Omeng found ways to really make me feel special. At the same time, we got into a lot of talking. It was only with him that I went out with, and attended Sunday masses with.

I learned about his past, his dreams, his essentials, and how he fit right into my essentials. What is interesting is I actually tried to de-romanticize everything just so I can really be objective and find out if he is a potential partner.

During my SOL discernment, I realized that there are five things that my partner should essentially possess: he must be a man of God and can serve with me in community, he has a heart for the missions, he is able to lead me and God's children to Him, he will love and accept me and my family, and he is financially stable (to be able to provide for our future family). But I told God that chemistry, humor, and the ability to speak English correctly are my preferences. I am a woman of passion and I would want to love someone whom I will also be attracted to. I have a tendency to become melancholy so a humorous partner is a plus. I used to be a writer and trainer so I could speak English very well. Yet, I was willing to forget the preferences, for as long as I will be with the man that God prepared for me. He granted me all my essentials and two of my preferences. I thank God for the bonuses.

June 23, 2007 – I sealed our partnership with a kiss. Well, he asked for it, of course. It was the sweetest thing.

Now – I look at all that I have been through with men in my life. I just exclaim to God how grateful I am for all His blessings. He sheltered me from further disappointment. He helped me discover the partner that would be compatible with my personality and spirituality. What I went through in life with men were nothing compared to the many heartaches and disappointments of my mom, my best friend, or any of my neighbors. I just pray that the Lord will seal this partnership with His approval and blessing someday. May I always remember that before I can be a partner, I am first God's beloved daughter.