The Gift of Singleness

"A single woman missionary writes, ‘I've never dated anyone. Is it realistic for a woman to desire confirmation of her femininity at one point in her life?’…I would answer yes, it's realistic, it's natural, it's not wrong. A real woman's desire is to be a real woman, and a man's love helps to confirm that. But human desire is to be brought under the lordship of Christ for fulfillment according to His wisdom and choosing. (See Psalm 10:17; 37:4; 38:9; 145:19.)" – Elisabeth Elliot

Much like that missionary, I would see a couple in one of the church pews holding hands or giving each other a kiss of peace…and I’d be like, "God, please shield my eyes so I don’t get too distracted (or envious!). In fact, the kind of "knight-in-shining-armor-fairy-tale" a girl could be dreaming of has been lowered to simply having-a-good-man-stand-by-your-side-without-having-to-do-anything-special. To be affirmed is perhaps the greatest language of love for every marriageable-aged woman.

Of course with faith the size of a mustard seed, I just shrug off such thoughts. I realize that when I pray, I'm not the least bit worried to have a partner. I just know that God will make it happen. It doesn’t mean that He will make a man fall onto my lap. But I believe that He will surprise me with a good man – good by His standards and not by mine.

I talked to a brother who shared about his desire for a ‘single blessedness’ state of life. Automatically, I encouraged him to read 1 Corinthians chapter 7. That conversation drew me back to my own decision. It made me open my bible to the same verses. As though reading it for the first time, six verses seemed to come right out of the book…emphasizing what I must do at my current state:

• "Now to the unmarried…I say: it is a good thing for them to remain as they are, as I do, but if they cannot exercise self-control they should marry, for it is better to marry than to be on fire."(v. 8-9)
  
• "Only, everyone should live as the Lord has assigned, just as God called each one." (v.17)
  
• "Everyone should remain in the state in which he was called." (v.20)
  
• "So this is what I think best because of the present distress: that it is a good thing for a person to remain as he is." (v.26)
  
• "So then, the one who marries his virgin does well; the one who does not marry her will do better."(v.38)
  
• "She is more blessed, though, in my opinion, if she remains as she is, and I think that I too have the Spirit of God."(v. 40)

This Christmas, I thought about the perfect gift I can give to the birthday celebrant. What could I possibly have that would make Jesus grin from ear to ear? Off the top of my head, I say, “Uhhh…nothing!” But rethinking about all the blessings I have received, there must be something that God wants out of me for Him to keep me alive and kicking.

And then it dawned on me. I can offer me. How many times has He heard this? In my blog alone, I think half of the entries have a theme of self-offering. But what is distinct about my life now is I am single. And what better way to thank God for the gift than to give it back to the Giver. I thank God for the privilege to serve him in the state that I have now; a state where:

• There’s little to change.
  
• Worries are at a minimum.
  
• Righteousness is not an afterthought.
  
• What is essential is the focus.
  
• God has me at His disposal.

My singleness may not be the end, but it is not by chance. I am single in this universe full of the same, but my realization comes with a challenge. What is essential for a single woman? "An unmarried man is anxious about the things of the Lord, how he may please the Lord." (v. 32)

All my heart goes out to you this day and always, my Lord, Jesus. Happy Birthday!

I Am Not Home Yet

I found out a couple of weeks ago that I am scheduled to do my finger printing for my green card application on 12/17/08. So that is supposed to be exciting news.

Well, there's another side to this story. As you all know, I am on a student visa, so I am required to go to school. Yesterday, I found out that the last day of school registration is 1/12/09. That will be another $3500 for me if my work authorization is not out by then. About the same amount of money is what I need to pay my lawyer once the green card, travel parole, and work authorization come out. My lawyer said that the latest that my work authorization would come out is February. This means that my work authorization needs to come out before 1/12/09.

I hit the end of the road again where God presented me with two choices: to surrender or to worry. Guess what I chose. I feel like I am racing against time -- wanting to save enough to be able to get home to my ailing father, wishing that I can zero out the family debts, and looking to please God with a yes to "whatever next steps" He has for me. I have a lot of "tangible needs" of which I have chosen to deprive myself, if only to help my family. As money continues to go out for schooling, my desire to spend time with my father gets pushed back as well. At the same time, I want to get the family debts out of the way before I start discerning for God's next steps for me (if it is in the mission field or any other service).

It could not possibly get any more personal than this. It is almost too painful to imagine, that I might have to endure more sacrifices if I have to continue on a student visa. I do look at sacrifices as part of pruning, and I find comfort in the fact that I get to share this experience with the Lord who made the greatest sacrifice of all. It gives me joy to know that my family is able to make ends meet with my help. There is no greater joy than knowing that God finds favor in me, so I may extend that favor to my family. Through this, I learned discipline when it came to spending, and I learned to find joy in choosing to live a simple lifestyle.

My best friend and I always talk about our desire to be in heaven. When I lose my focus, I immerse my thoughts with Revelations 4, closing my eyes even in order to visualize and hear that moment. The thought of heaven does not give me a form of escape. But it tells me that I am not home yet. Somehow I realized that these distractions are the enemy's feeble attempts to make me feel lonely, poor, and doubtful (my purposes in going here seem futile, I can't seem to bear fruit, etc). I am not rich, but I told God that I am rich with friends who can help me plead my case before Him. May the Lord grant me peace of mind, even when the stars do not seem aligned with the USCIS calendar."

Peace I leave with you; I do not give to you as the world gives."- Jn 14:27

A Life Consecrated

Yesterday, I was supposed to attend a Filipino mass at St. Lucy Catholic Church in Long Beach. I sensed that God is leading me to respond to His call to evangelism, and this is perhaps the first of many things I hope to offer to the Lord.

The celebrant was already 30 minutes late, but he did not send word why he was absent. The attendees were getting restless. With whispers that there was no priest available, some families opted to leave and catch the next mass in another church. The mass servants went to the seminary beside the church, and found two potential replacements. The first one brushed the servants aside with this statement: "I do not want to meddle in that affair." As for the second priest, the servants were told that father was having his afternoon siesta and could not be disturbed.

I looked around the chapel, and saw the faces of God's sheep - wondering, spiritually hungry, and lost. For a moment, I could not believe that I was so affected by this situation. The mass servants resorted to ask a Filipino deacon, who gladly accepted to perform a prayer service. He was neither in the position to celebrate the Holy Mass, nor perform the consecration. Instead, the mass servants gathered the leftover hosts from the morning mass. The Lord somehow made me feel uncomfortable with these words:

"Chastised a little, they shall be greatly blessed, because God tried them and found them worthy of himself. As gold in the furnace, he proved them, and as sacrificial offerings he took them to himself. In the time of their visitation they shall shine, and shall dart about as sparks through stubble; They shall judge nations and rule over peoples, and the LORD shall be their King forever. Those who trust in him shall understand truth, and the faithful shall abide with him in love." – Ws 6:5-9

As I lined up to partake of the body of Christ, I felt the Holy Spirit tugging at my heart:

• These are God's people intending to partake of the meal that Christ offered. God will bless them equally as when an actual priest stood before them.
• God was confirming His message through Tito Tony during his evangelization talk: there is an alarming decrease in the number of surviving Catholic priests, and those being ordained annually.
• The church's eyes were opened to the possibility that there will come a time when a priest will have to serve as a parish priest to several parishes, and that some parishes will not be catered to, just because there aren't enough priests.
• Someone has to stand up to gather His flock and lead them to the Lord.
• There was no consecration during the service, but I sincerely offered myself before the Lord.
• The focus is not on the priests whether they were too tired or were simply unavailable to serve. The focus should be on the role of the church for we comprise the body of Christ.
• Whatever state of life decision I made, God assures me that He will still make it happen despite the big task ahead because nothing is impossible with Him.

Yesterday, each St. Lucy partaker received a 1/8th piece of the host. But, as for me, God placed a big chunk of compassion in my heart. It loomed over me that I could not bring myself to pray about it. I felt that I was not ready. I got scared because I still had responsibility at home, and way so much more responsibility at hand if I said yes to His call. Yet, when I return to God, remembering the words of the song "While We Still Breathe", I could only utter this prayer: "Lord, let your will be done."

Un-prodigal Me

I am moved by this article. It talks about how God can make something good out of painful situations. It talks about the feeling of unworthiness when we have sinned.

Yesterday, I studied the Parable of the Prodigal Son. Popularly known for the love of a (prodigal) father, I picked up the lesson on the attitudes of the two brothers. Much as I realize that I am redeemed and now bask in the Lord's untiring love for me, the barely healed hurts in my heart cloud my perception of God's encompassing love and mercy. I am guilty of wondering what good can turn out of the people who have done me evil and pain. If at all, perhaps the experiences have allowed me to see that God is my comforter, that I can help others in the same situation, and that I am tougher than before. But as to how loving God should be to those who did such evil, I could not fathom. My mind tells me not to even pray for them, after all they have done.

I have become like the older brother in the parable. I come to God and tell Him, "Lord, show them who You are...that all things work for good for those who love You (Ro 8:28)." But the following article tells me that everything that happens is part of God's plan. It is not right for me to put Him in a box. That God is merciful and generous to all His children, and that none of us deserves more than the other. To be blessed at all is supposed to make me grateful. That just because I am now walking in the light does not mean that God should bless me more. That just because another sinner did more or did worse does not mean that God should spare him less than He spared me. God can still transform anyone who comes to Him with a repentant heart. Forgive me, Lord, for I have sinned.

Transforming Power by Elisabeth Elliot

If God is almighty, there can be no evil so great as to be beyond His power to transform. That transforming power brings light out of darkness, joy out of sorrow, gain out of loss, life out of death.

Sometimes we boggle at the evil in the world and especially in ourselves, feeling that this sin, this tragedy, this offense cannot possibly fit into a pattern for good. Let us remember Joseph's imprisonment, David's sin, Paul's violent persecution of Christians, Peter's denial of his Master. None of it was beyond the power of grace to redeem and turn into something productive. The God who establishes the shoreline for the sea also decides the limits of the great mystery which is evil. He is "the Blessed Controller of all things." God will finally be God, Satan's best efforts notwithstanding.

"Because it’s the only way to grow spiritually and be emotionally healthy. The Bible says, 'Make this your common practice: Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you can live together whole and healed.'" - James 5:16

My Understanding of Commitment

Last night, I thought about what I learned in community.
How different life in the Spirit is from the secular world.
Where radicalism is worthy when Christ is the cause.
It is more of a personal discovery as to the purpose for ‘being’.

Commitment taught me to serve even when I had no strength.
Commitment taught me to give when all I have left is little.
Commitment taught me to love and forgive the unlovable.
Commitment taught me about being in a safe environment.

I thought about the kind of service that my mentor showed.
She led by example going out of her comfort zone – way out.
I was blessed with transportation, money, and a source of living.
And I realized what I had belonged to the community.

I traveled to pick up and bring home my sisters foremost.
I traveled without counting the distance.
God is generous to me so His people may see Him generous.
I put it upon myself to ensure my brethren were home safe.

I even remember taking a brother home to a faraway town.
His father was killed and news about slaying was rampant.
His barrio was known as a rebel’s camp, so public transit ended at 9pm.
I took him home with rosary in hand and Psalm 91 on my lips.

We had a way of life where we gathered nine times a month.
Four Fridays was for prayer meetings, four weekdays for small groups.
One Sunday for social action – not counting service-related meetings.
The servant-leaders had to meet their members separately.

In all those times, we took care of our brethren.
We were happy to be with those who traveled far.
I had a share of being on the receiving end here in the U.S.
But humility is godly, self-pity the enemy’s priority.

When I asked a brother to take me home because I had no ride.
He turned me down and it rang in my ears for a while.
There is another brother who would drop everything
He would say, “That’s service”; more so to make sure I was home safe.

More than an ordinary friendship, community is a privilege.
It is where meaningful relationships are built.
In it, God entrusted me to my brethren.
God instructed me to commit first to my brethren.

I held a sister in high regard because she was a committed member.
So I asked her about a Gentile friend we were evangelizing who disappeared.
She denied knowing, yet believed in lies spurn out of bitterness.
She thought it was a pastoral concern and saw the need for intervention.

We have a different understanding of teachings in community.
The secular world teaches us to respond in apathy and indifference.
My commitment is simple: it knows no bounds, it protects, it guides.
It says, “I am not my own; I must forgive; I must honor and respect.”

They devoted themselves to the teaching of the apostles and to the communal life, to the breaking of the bread and to the prayers. Awe came upon everyone, and many wonders and signs were done through the apostles. All who believed were together and had all things in common; they would sell their property and possessions and divide them among all according to each one's need. Every day they devoted themselves to meeting together in the temple area and to breaking bread in their homes. They ate their meals with exultation and sincerity of heart, praising God and enjoying favor with all the people. And every day the Lord added to their number those who were being saved. – Acts 2:42-47

I Go for Depth

He was an entrepreneur as are most Chinoys in Pinas.
But he paid off many people for his business to survive.
He said he sees no point in pursuing his career here.
He’s better off in the Philippines where he could move freely.
I told him that he can be honest and earn just enough to survive.

He said he believes his mom’s "vibes" on people.
He believes in Feng Shui and could make good business out of it.
He said he no longer believed in marriages.
Just because his brothers did not do so well in that area.
Of course, that is just an addition to his traumatic experiences.

I listened, but I tried mostly to wake him up.
Surely, God must have sent him here because that kind of life was futile.
He must simply allow God more room in his life.
That if he went back to bribery and going with the flow,
He probably has not learned anything at all.

As if to highlight our discussion, during the mass we attended,
The reading talked about non-conformity to the worldly ways.
I do not see him victorious in his plight.
Although he could live to inspire with his story,
He chooses to go back to his old life.

That was the last I heard of him.
I have long seen that friendship's all there is to it.
But now even friendship seems out of the equation.
I tell you, it is really difficult to become a disciple.
Yet, as a discip le, it is much more difficult to fish for more.

Jesus said to him, "If you wish to be perfect, go, sell what you have and give to (the) poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me.” When the young man heard this statement, he went away sad, for he had many possessions. Then Jesus said to his disciples, "Amen, I say to you, it will be hard for one who is rich to enter the kingdom of heaven. – Mt 18: 21-23

"To anyone who has, more will be given and he will grow rich; from anyone who has not, even what he has will be taken away...But the seed sown on rich soil is the one who hears the word and understands it, who indeed bears fruit and yields a hundred or sixty or thirtyfold...Whoever has ears ought to hear." – Mt 13

"Sometimes I sympathize with the author of Psalm 119--"Gusts of anger seize me as I think of evil men who forsake Thy law"--and wish I could force people to accept what I see as truth. Jesus did not force them. "With many such parables He would give them His message, so far as they were able to receive it" (Mk 4:33 NEB). There may be some who are willing but not able to receive, others able but not willing. Only God can be sure who's who. We are to be faithful in transmitting the message and willing to respect the hearer. If God grants him freedom of will to receive or reject, so must I. If he is as yet unable to receive it, I must entrust him to God, remembering the narrow limits of my own understanding as well." - Excerpt from Able to Receive by Elisabeth Elliot

Blessed, Broken, and Given Away

This is my article written in the book "Seasons of Grace". The book talks about waiting in the Lord. An open invitation was sent to Ang Lingkod ng Panginoon and Ligaya ng Panginoon branches in the Philippines to write their experiences about waiting in the Lord. The chosen articles were later compiled and made into this book and published in October 2005. The book was created much like a devotional for all the seasons of waiting that a woman of the Lord experiences. Thus the last page for every article contained reflection questions.