When he said for me to wait 'cause he'll come back,
When he made me hope with I miss you's and I will see you soon,
When he kissed me again when we saw each other,
What does it mean?
When he said there was no other and he's not such a man,
When he denied that he was back at his past bad habits,
When he lied again that he could not see me because of work,
What am I to think?
When everything now tells me he loves me no more,
When my tears are dried up, and it seems he'll rejoice,
When my love for him wanes till I can make it on my own,
Why can't he just say it straight?
Is he just pulling my leg or just preserving his ego?
Why can't he just let me cry all at one time?
When is it ever kinder to break someone's heart gently?
What glory is there in exiting your loved one's life?
Hard times hit and left me crying to God in my lenten plight.
Jesus is more alive in my heart as I shared with Him this pain.
God sent loved ones to comfort and pray and guide.
Lord, with my surrender, may I have a glorious exit heaven-bound.
Saturday, March 22, 2008
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
The Grace to Say "No More"
He was a potential partner.
He started with many love affairs: with God, with his brothers, and with me. He had such great training, was a born leader, and had everything going well for him in every area of his life. He had some four surprises for me I would never forget: two times he bought me something, and two surprise visits.
Loving him is never wrong.
Even when I began noticing the changes in him, I had to be patient, I had to be more understanding, I had to work it out with him. I loved him despite his shortcomings. I was always overwhelmed with glee when he tried to make it up to me. The love I gave away, I gave fully. For love shared is never wasted. Even though the love that is real is only one-sided. I just knew that I loved. And by that love that I chose to give, I found joy. So even when I am now hurting, I could never regret loving.
Why the change - this remains unanswered.
Slowly he drifted away from God. He changed and started a web of lies. He lost all the things that mattered to him. He became a lost soul. Suddenly, he was the only one who knew about the plan for our future. Or maybe he just didn't know what they really were. This is because he was not ready, contrary to what he made me believe. He didn't know what he wanted. He had forgotten my value. He simply saw that I loved him too much. He knows I would always forgive him.
The man he used to be is history.
Despite all my concerns, he continued to drag me down. I found no peace as months wore on. He drained what little joy was left in our relationship. He failed to make me see the promise in him which was there when we started.
A love that was lost.
He had too many plans that had to go first. I was the least of his priorities, but just was not man enough to admit it. He kept pulling my leg. He kept failing at keeping his promises. He kept hiding things from me: his schedule, his whereabouts, his doings, and his wrongdoings. He was no longer showing me his thoughtfulness, forgot about his commitments, drank too much alcohol, started to go in and out of my life as he pleased, and continued to abandon me. All the while, he pressed me to believe and to wait. Though I was always quick to love and forgive, he was quick to dismiss me. He was almost eager to do the same thing to me everytime. It was just a one-way street. It seemed he did not want to let go, and yet he was just waiting to be set free. He wanted for me to keep on believing in him, when he could not even find his own self.
Time heals all wounds.
So even when I am nursing a broken heart, I also rejoice. For in my suffering, I discovered a loving God who promises to be my strength and comfort. In the process of breaking, I discover more love willingly given by family, friends, and spiritual partners.
Prayers do move mountains.
I pray for joy that comes from God alone. I have hope in the Lord. For all things work for good for those who love the Lord and are called according to His purpose (Ro 8:28).
I pray that I will one day be fully healed, and can go back to this ordeal one day with a victorious laugh. May He never find me lacking in my singleness now, which I offer back to Him. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me (Phil 4:13).
I look back and pray for him who hurt me. I choose not to question him nor the Lord. I choose not to judge Him for God alone is perfect. The Lord, in all His mercy and faithfulness, will be with him in his own pain.
May I recover from this pain soon. May I one day find it in my heart to love again, in the best way that I was with him. May my fears be melted away, and may I find security once again in the arms of one who is worth fighting for, one who finds worth in me to fight for me. Even though I once said, "No more."
He started with many love affairs: with God, with his brothers, and with me. He had such great training, was a born leader, and had everything going well for him in every area of his life. He had some four surprises for me I would never forget: two times he bought me something, and two surprise visits.
Loving him is never wrong.
Even when I began noticing the changes in him, I had to be patient, I had to be more understanding, I had to work it out with him. I loved him despite his shortcomings. I was always overwhelmed with glee when he tried to make it up to me. The love I gave away, I gave fully. For love shared is never wasted. Even though the love that is real is only one-sided. I just knew that I loved. And by that love that I chose to give, I found joy. So even when I am now hurting, I could never regret loving.
Why the change - this remains unanswered.
Slowly he drifted away from God. He changed and started a web of lies. He lost all the things that mattered to him. He became a lost soul. Suddenly, he was the only one who knew about the plan for our future. Or maybe he just didn't know what they really were. This is because he was not ready, contrary to what he made me believe. He didn't know what he wanted. He had forgotten my value. He simply saw that I loved him too much. He knows I would always forgive him.
The man he used to be is history.
Despite all my concerns, he continued to drag me down. I found no peace as months wore on. He drained what little joy was left in our relationship. He failed to make me see the promise in him which was there when we started.
A love that was lost.
He had too many plans that had to go first. I was the least of his priorities, but just was not man enough to admit it. He kept pulling my leg. He kept failing at keeping his promises. He kept hiding things from me: his schedule, his whereabouts, his doings, and his wrongdoings. He was no longer showing me his thoughtfulness, forgot about his commitments, drank too much alcohol, started to go in and out of my life as he pleased, and continued to abandon me. All the while, he pressed me to believe and to wait. Though I was always quick to love and forgive, he was quick to dismiss me. He was almost eager to do the same thing to me everytime. It was just a one-way street. It seemed he did not want to let go, and yet he was just waiting to be set free. He wanted for me to keep on believing in him, when he could not even find his own self.
Time heals all wounds.
So even when I am nursing a broken heart, I also rejoice. For in my suffering, I discovered a loving God who promises to be my strength and comfort. In the process of breaking, I discover more love willingly given by family, friends, and spiritual partners.
Prayers do move mountains.
I pray for joy that comes from God alone. I have hope in the Lord. For all things work for good for those who love the Lord and are called according to His purpose (Ro 8:28).
I pray that I will one day be fully healed, and can go back to this ordeal one day with a victorious laugh. May He never find me lacking in my singleness now, which I offer back to Him. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me (Phil 4:13).
I look back and pray for him who hurt me. I choose not to question him nor the Lord. I choose not to judge Him for God alone is perfect. The Lord, in all His mercy and faithfulness, will be with him in his own pain.
May I recover from this pain soon. May I one day find it in my heart to love again, in the best way that I was with him. May my fears be melted away, and may I find security once again in the arms of one who is worth fighting for, one who finds worth in me to fight for me. Even though I once said, "No more."
Monday, March 10, 2008
Lies, Lies, Lies
I saw the worst in me.
Learned to doubt my principles.
Believed the problem was with me.
With the stories tied together.
You had everyone under your finger.
Too many inconsistencies I let slide.
Out of my love, I was too blind.
With all the working outs,
The tears you wiped.
A creative mind you formed indeed.
You were smitten by someone else.
Or was it something else?
Fought for our love for nothing.
Even went a little crazy.
Hoping it's all worth fighting for.
Was just your second fiddle.
You told me lies, lies, lies.
A minute too long would cause more pain.
You don't know what you want.
You don't know what you got.
You lost my trust.
Even with all my love,
I cannot find faith in our future.
How could you lie to your "love"?
No more why's, just plain facts.
These are little things,
But you cannot be trusted.
You are my brother in faith.
So I took your word.
I thought I was sure with you.
You were supposed to support me.
You were supposed to add some joy.
You were supposed to respect me.
You were supposed to be honest.
You were supposed to lead our love home.
I don't know where else to turn.
I need a love that's forever.
I need a shoulder to cry on.
I need the strength to move mountains.
Lord, count my tears.
Make me whole, I beg you.
Take me back to that time.
When I knew who I was - before him.
Else claim all that's left in me.
Grant me the grace to say farewell.
Learned to doubt my principles.
Believed the problem was with me.
With the stories tied together.
You had everyone under your finger.
Too many inconsistencies I let slide.
Out of my love, I was too blind.
With all the working outs,
The tears you wiped.
A creative mind you formed indeed.
You were smitten by someone else.
Or was it something else?
Fought for our love for nothing.
Even went a little crazy.
Hoping it's all worth fighting for.
Was just your second fiddle.
You told me lies, lies, lies.
A minute too long would cause more pain.
You don't know what you want.
You don't know what you got.
You lost my trust.
Even with all my love,
I cannot find faith in our future.
How could you lie to your "love"?
No more why's, just plain facts.
These are little things,
But you cannot be trusted.
You are my brother in faith.
So I took your word.
I thought I was sure with you.
You were supposed to support me.
You were supposed to add some joy.
You were supposed to respect me.
You were supposed to be honest.
You were supposed to lead our love home.
I don't know where else to turn.
I need a love that's forever.
I need a shoulder to cry on.
I need the strength to move mountains.
Lord, count my tears.
Make me whole, I beg you.
Take me back to that time.
When I knew who I was - before him.
Else claim all that's left in me.
Grant me the grace to say farewell.
Sunday, March 2, 2008
Free Spirits
You started out interesting,
Thought it made things more exciting.
Boredom was not an option,
Our similarity made it possible.
Ours was a promising partnership,
Chemistry factor was undeniable.
Your love for God nailed it,
A match made in heaven it could be.
After barely months together,
You started to show little interest.
Everything else came first,
A free spirit you remained.
I myself am a free spirit,
But chose to change with commitment.
I expected reciprocation,
Yet you went your own way.
Despite the demands I aired,
I kept getting neglected.
The free spirit in you I loved,
Now raised more questions about our future.
Silenced for my impatience,
You said "Trust it will get better."
Perhaps staying meant working it out,
Forgiving meant seeing you through.
If we were to overcome this stage,
The love may last a lifetime.
If we were not,
At least my part I have done.
Thought it made things more exciting.
Boredom was not an option,
Our similarity made it possible.
Ours was a promising partnership,
Chemistry factor was undeniable.
Your love for God nailed it,
A match made in heaven it could be.
After barely months together,
You started to show little interest.
Everything else came first,
A free spirit you remained.
I myself am a free spirit,
But chose to change with commitment.
I expected reciprocation,
Yet you went your own way.
Despite the demands I aired,
I kept getting neglected.
The free spirit in you I loved,
Now raised more questions about our future.
Silenced for my impatience,
You said "Trust it will get better."
Perhaps staying meant working it out,
Forgiving meant seeing you through.
If we were to overcome this stage,
The love may last a lifetime.
If we were not,
At least my part I have done.
Sunday, February 24, 2008
Concrete Expressions of God's Love
Having been brought up with a lot of brokenness,
Our family only said I love you over the phone or through a letter.
Mama had the most influence in my life.
Good memories of my tatang stopped 15 years ago.
Whenever I made overseas calls, tatang was never home.
About 11 months being separated, we never conversed.
Till I saw no need to ask for him to get on the phone,
And we became even more absent in each other's lives.
A recent heartbreak caused me to go down on my knees.
Life away from home has been really rough for me.
All I could do is pray to the mountains,
I need concrete expressions of Your love for me.
Tatang was grieving a close relative's death.
But what saddened me is news about his health which is failing.
I called home and amazingly heard tatang's voice in the background.
Once he heard it was I on the phone, he grabbed the receiver.
In a gruff voice, he said "Hi baby!"
I could not believe the change in his voice, tatang is aging.
We talked a little, but it was a good memory.
The Father's love, I could see.
He was grieving, I was lonely.
Though we did not talk about it, it was enough.
God used a significant man in my life to show me I mattered.
My father (in heaven and on earth) loves me.
Our family only said I love you over the phone or through a letter.
Mama had the most influence in my life.
Good memories of my tatang stopped 15 years ago.
Whenever I made overseas calls, tatang was never home.
About 11 months being separated, we never conversed.
Till I saw no need to ask for him to get on the phone,
And we became even more absent in each other's lives.
A recent heartbreak caused me to go down on my knees.
Life away from home has been really rough for me.
All I could do is pray to the mountains,
I need concrete expressions of Your love for me.
Tatang was grieving a close relative's death.
But what saddened me is news about his health which is failing.
I called home and amazingly heard tatang's voice in the background.
Once he heard it was I on the phone, he grabbed the receiver.
In a gruff voice, he said "Hi baby!"
I could not believe the change in his voice, tatang is aging.
We talked a little, but it was a good memory.
The Father's love, I could see.
He was grieving, I was lonely.
Though we did not talk about it, it was enough.
God used a significant man in my life to show me I mattered.
My father (in heaven and on earth) loves me.
Monday, February 11, 2008
God is the Faithful One
You said, “You are the answer to my prayers.”
I will take care of you.
You had no money, only had love to offer.
Your honesty won my heart.
We made plans for the future.
You gave me about a day a week.
An extra day was a treat.
My love grew as much as our dreams.
One day, you started giving less.
I asked for time, you said you’d work on it.
You fell many times, I was quick to forget.
Cu’z you said everything will be all right.
You hurt me. Little by little, you left me.
You promised you’d change.
'Guess you never meant a word.
Still the same mistake, I lost count.
Lies, secrets, lost time and accountability.
You hid from me like I was an angry mob.
I could have had some dignity left.
You could have just asked me to go away.
The Lord said "I will count your tears.
I will love you even when no one does."
I pray, "Give me, Lord, your heavenly strength."
Or I beg you, just make the pain go away."
The favors of the Lord are not exhausted, his mercies are not spent; They are renewed each morning, so great is his faithfulness. - La 3:22-23
The Lord is close to the brokenhearted, saves those whose spirit is crushed. - Ps 34:19
I will take care of you.
You had no money, only had love to offer.
Your honesty won my heart.
We made plans for the future.
You gave me about a day a week.
An extra day was a treat.
My love grew as much as our dreams.
One day, you started giving less.
I asked for time, you said you’d work on it.
You fell many times, I was quick to forget.
Cu’z you said everything will be all right.
You hurt me. Little by little, you left me.
You promised you’d change.
'Guess you never meant a word.
Still the same mistake, I lost count.
Lies, secrets, lost time and accountability.
You hid from me like I was an angry mob.
I could have had some dignity left.
You could have just asked me to go away.
The Lord said "I will count your tears.
I will love you even when no one does."
I pray, "Give me, Lord, your heavenly strength."
Or I beg you, just make the pain go away."
The favors of the Lord are not exhausted, his mercies are not spent; They are renewed each morning, so great is his faithfulness. - La 3:22-23
The Lord is close to the brokenhearted, saves those whose spirit is crushed. - Ps 34:19
Sunday, January 27, 2008
How does one?
He asked so much of me.
He held me strong in his arms.
Helped me see brighter days when life hit me hard.
So many times, he showed signs.
Yet I believed. I loved. He’s just right.
He’s the reason I stayed, the reason I gave.
Thought he deserved my love.
He’s the reason for my pain.
Thought our love was worth it.
Wish I could say, “It’s over. I can.”
I should’ve seen it coming.
He was the last man for me.
I was a fool, he could be better.
He said our love was forever.
He made me believe. I loved. So wrong.
He said not to compare.
So I said maybe it’s real.
But I made the same mistake.
God, this is twice the pain.
Oh I believed. I loved. Too much.
How does one stop from caring?
How does one stop from going crazy?
How does one sleep at night?
How does one believe once more?
How does one stop the tears from falling?
How does one learn to kneel and pray?
How does one love herself again?
How does one start all over?
He’s the reason I stayed, the reason I gave.
So much, too much of what he deserves.
He’s the reason for my pain.
Thought our love was worth it.
Wish I could say “It’s over. I can.”
Help me believe I'll make it right again.
He held me strong in his arms.
Helped me see brighter days when life hit me hard.
So many times, he showed signs.
Yet I believed. I loved. He’s just right.
He’s the reason I stayed, the reason I gave.
Thought he deserved my love.
He’s the reason for my pain.
Thought our love was worth it.
Wish I could say, “It’s over. I can.”
I should’ve seen it coming.
He was the last man for me.
I was a fool, he could be better.
He said our love was forever.
He made me believe. I loved. So wrong.
He said not to compare.
So I said maybe it’s real.
But I made the same mistake.
God, this is twice the pain.
Oh I believed. I loved. Too much.
How does one stop from caring?
How does one stop from going crazy?
How does one sleep at night?
How does one believe once more?
How does one stop the tears from falling?
How does one learn to kneel and pray?
How does one love herself again?
How does one start all over?
He’s the reason I stayed, the reason I gave.
So much, too much of what he deserves.
He’s the reason for my pain.
Thought our love was worth it.
Wish I could say “It’s over. I can.”
Help me believe I'll make it right again.
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